On Life and Love after 50

THE CHAMPS SPEAK

by Tom Blake – Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 17, 2021

9/11 Tribute

Champ Larry, Ann Arbor, Michigan, emailed on Saturday, September 11, “Today is not busy until 4 p.m. when my wife Bonnie and I head toward the stadium to set up our tailgate for the Michigan vs. Washington football game at “The Big House.”

Friends will stop by, sometimes from as far away as Dallas or London. It’s game day. We have our University of Michigan flag flying in the front yard. It will be a late-night with the kickoff at 8 p.m. “The band has a spectacular light show planned at halftime commemorating 9/11.

Twenty years ago today, the 9/11 attack came when I was on my way back from dropping Bonnie at Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. She was headed for Fort Worth to babysit our granddaughters.

“I had pulled off I-94 at the Bellville exit and was one car from getting a cup of coffee at McDonalds when I heard the announcement of the crash. I thought it was an announcement like ‘War of the Worlds.’ “Bonnie’s flight was in the process of making an emergency landing at Indianapolis, where she would be kept at the Holiday Inn for three days until I went down and picked her up.”

Tom’s comment: I’ve known Larry for more years than I can remember. He was in my brother’s high school class in Jackson, Michigan, which makes him a couple of years older than I. He was an incredible golfer, good enough to have earned varsity letters on the UM golf team. He and his wife Bonnie, married for 61 years, are Champs and enjoy reading the eNewsletter.

**Bonnie and Larry Leach married 61 years – Ann Arbor, Michigan**

I asked Larry to send us a picture of the UM band light show. I was hoping that ABC TV, which carried the game, would show 30 seconds or so of the band’s performance during the half but the network finessed it. Here is Larry’s photo of the band at halftime on September 11, 2021.

**University of Michigan Band at halftime on September 11, 2021**

Movin’ in isn’t easy either

Champ Althea commented on the eight items I listed last week to do before deciding to cohabitate. She said, “I have to disagree with number 8. Moving in is NOT so easy; it’s as difficult as moving out. The decision to move in might be easy to make, in certain circumstances, but everything that surrounds the move-in is back-breaking (packing, lifting, carrying, etc.) and mind-boggling HARD.

“Especially when you’re over 65 with physical issues, and one whole house is trying to merge into another whole house…of stuff! Sometimes you need to take the good with the bad and suffer the consequences later.”

Have it notarized Regarding item number 6 from last week’s list, ‘Sign a written exit plan before the move, in case it doesn’t work out,’ Champ S. added: “Have it notarized.”

And John from Las Vegas shared, “You penned a very sobering article, which is demonstrably needed: After age 70, we must strive to spend our time wisely and thereby avoid devastating emotional stress. The subject reminder is akin to a well-thought-out, pre-nuptial agreement, i.e., failure to plan is planning to fail.”

Tom’s comment: Have that pre-nuptial notarized as well.

Traditional woman

A male Champ from Orange County. Ca., wrote, “I had a first date with a woman I met online. She said she had dated you. She made a comment about you saying that you felt women should pay their ‘fair’ share in dating expenses. She then added in that context, ‘I’m a traditional woman.’ I think that’s a code for a guy to pick up all the tabs.”

Tom’s comment: Our Champ shared the woman’s name with me. I had no recollection of her or her name. If we dated, that had to be more than a quarter-century ago, as I’ve been with Greta for 24 years and was in a short, committed relationship for two years before that. Maybe I simply forgot.

My guess is ‘we dated’ means we had one date. And when I found out she was a ‘traditional woman,’ that was the only time I asked her out. Or, because I wasn’t a ‘traditional man,’ (willing to pay every time) she bailed on me.

Moving him out is harder than moving him in

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 10, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior cohabitation: moving in is easier than moving out

Last week, we wrote about Jeanne, who was in a quandary because the man living with her for three years is a hoarder and treats her poorly. She wants him to move out. They met on OurTime in 2015.

Champs responded: Liping wrote: “I have been told before I criticize someone, I need to clean my room first. I will clean our rooms first tomorrow morning.”

S. emailed: “Jeanne says they have no agreement, yet he says she can’t kick him out. He can say anything he likes, but unless there’s a signed lease (not rental agreement), she can most certainly kick him out. “When the eviction suspension due to Covid is lifted, that is. Give him a three-day notice to quit and thus start the eviction process. This is assuming he holds no legal interest in the property.”

Cheryl, “What we don’t know are the contents of her partner’s boxes. Someone in their 70s has spent a lifetime putting together a well-stocked house. “Is he really a hoarder or did he just make a bad decision moving where there’s no room for his stuff? The bigger issue seems to be a volatile relationship where neither are happy but neither seems willing to leave.”

Shelley, “So she met the hoarder in 2015, and let him move in with her in 2018. He’s quick to get angry. I think she can kick him out immediately. Life is too short for this nonsense.” And then I heard about another unpleasant cohabitation situation.

This one from Beth (not her true name) 70, who wrote:

“Sixteen months ago, I started dating an older gentleman (79). We met on Match.com at the beginning of Covid 19. We missed the dating process because of Covid shutdowns.

“We walked often, and I cooked for us and cooked for him before I went home. We face-timed every night we weren’t together. He’d call eight times a day asking when I would come to his house. He asked me to marry him early on, but I said no.

“He wanted me to move in, but I said no. He started to fail physically, losing his balance and falling occasionally. I started going to doctor appointments with him. I went from girlfriend to caregiver in a few short months. I was cooking and cleaning with no days off for three months while staying at his house.

“He was very demanding of my time. He had brain surgery. I had to shower him. I started pushing back and told him when he got well, I was returning to my home. He asked me to stay another month.

“One day while he was on the phone, I packed and left. I felt guilty for leaving but knew no time would be a good time to leave. I am so burned out and I’ve decided to just enjoy my life.”

Tom’s comment: Back to Jeanne’s situation. This week, she sent an update: “Our couple’s counselor said today that we have senior irreconcilable differences. A week ago, I realized I could go no further trying to make it work and I asked him to leave.

“This relationship should never have been a move-in-with-me situation and the counselor pointed out to me that this was my biggest mistake, letting him move in with me.

“We had not known each other for enough time to live together. Seeing each other once a week, and sometimes only for part of a weekend didn’t give us enough time to get to really know each other and see all sides of each other.

“Because we were older did not mean we – especially me – were wiser! “
Three years wasn’t long enough to know each other? Really?

Tom’s eight lessons learned from these two situations

Before cohabitating:

1 – Heed red flag warnings

2 – Trust your instincts

3 – Get to know the person well (for Jeanne, three years wasn’t long enough)

4 – Don’t rush your decision

5 – Be objective. No rose-colored glasses

6 – Sign a written exit plan before the move, in case it doesn’t work out

7 – Don’t do it in order to just save money

8 – Remember, moving in is easy; moving out is difficult. I’m reminded of the Broadway musical that Greta, her daughter, Tammi, and I saw in NYC in 2005, called “Movin’ Out,” on the night before I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on “Good Morning America.”

Above, see Greta and me with Diane and that cover of the Playbill Magazine from the musical, which featured the music of Billy Joel, including the song, “Movin’ Out (Anthony’s song),” which was on Joel’s 1971 “The Stranger” album

Link to Billy Joel singing “Movin’ Out”

Seniors have the right to live again

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 3, 2021

by Tom P Blake

Seniors have the right to live again

Stuck with a live-in hoarder; a Champ wonders what to do

Champ Jeanne emailed: “I have a question about hoarding. Something that got glossed over when my partner moved in with me three years ago – the number of storage boxes etc. that he had and never used. It was pointed out to me that he is an organized hoarder. We met on the website Our Time in 2015.

“I had always envisioned hoarding as piles of newspaper etc. blocking passage in rooms and hallways! Every space has been filled with his stuff and he has more stuff in someone’s garage nearby. I am uncomfortable with every inch of space taken with the stuff that he never uses. It has become a problem in our relationship.

“I am constantly donating unused stuff that I have. I have learned that hoarders can’t get rid of stuff. I have asked that it go into the attic so at least it’s not taking up room that could be used by the things we do use, which have been shoved out of the way to make room for his things. That way he has access to it if needed.

“The bicycle, the motorcycle, the kayak, he refuses to move out. He is not going to use them – he’s in his late 70’s and out of shape!

“I’m hoping Champs shed some light and give some advice. If I mention moving anything, he wants me to take empty flowerpots and put them outside – that sort of thing…I’m over my head and completely frustrated!

“All this comes from my not bringing the subject of this ‘collecting’ up sooner in our relationship when I saw all the things he had and how he did not attempt to pare it down. “We don’t have an agreement, but he did say I can’t kick him out. The only way he would leave is if I put the house on the market and it sold! Maybe I had better ask my lawyer!

“I can’t live with the situation the way it is – I have tried to for the last few years but that didn’t work!! He has had two wives leave him to his utter surprise and although he has many wonderful characteristics, he is not relationship material.

“I ignored some red flags so that’s on me! He does give me some monetary contribution to the household, which is helpful, but not nearly what he would pay for a rental of this caliber in this area.

Tom’s response: We’ll see what Champs say. Last week’s title was “We have the right to love again?” This week’s title is “We have the right to live again.” Jeanne’s situation is not “if,” it’s “when and how?” Jeanne will get him out of her house.
I sent her a return email with a few questions. She responded, saying there are other issues in addition to the hoarding. He is quick to get angry and is an incessant talker.

men must earn friends with benefits status — **Stop arguing**

She added, “His flaws are too much for me and they killed my love for him. I didn’t like the person I had become–yelling and fighting back or shutting myself in my bedroom.”

Another Champ was in a similar, but a different situation. She moved into a new apartment building a year or so ago in Northern California, signing a one-year lease. It took one day to learn that people who lived above her were unbearably noisy, dropping things on the floor during all hours. And the people below her were also unbearably noisy. The situation was unacceptable; she could not get much sleep.

The building landlord would do nothing. She took it upon herself to find other accommodations, even considering small college towns back East. Competition for small one-or two-bedroom places was brutal. Rental prices in California have increased dramatically. She finally found a nice location a few miles away. She forfeited a month’s rent at the end of her lease to get out of the bad situation.

She wrote, “I moved yesterday! After contending with looking for months, high and low, and getting beaten out for the only standalone cottage in my price range, I signed Saturday for a 2BR upstairs condo surrounded by magical redwoods and other mature trees.

“A good night of sleep is pure medicine!” She made the relocation happen while functioning on little sleep. That’s why I call our readers Champs—because that’s what you are. Go-getters. When things aren’t right, you strive to make them right.

Please share your opinions with Jeanne regarding the hoarder.

Seniors have the right to love again

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 27, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Seniors have the right to love again

Champ Nancy emailed: “I had been friends with my neighbors for eight years. She and I were never close. She died last December and I developed a relationship with her husband. Did I violate a girl code by dating him?

“We found out she’d been cheating on him. Although her husband and I got to be friends before she died, we never were involved in anything other than that.

Am I wrong for dating him?”

Tom’s reply to Nancy: “What the heck is a girl code? Also, “You say, ‘we’ found out she’d been cheating on him. Who is we? And, how did you find out?”
“Her cheating on him has nothing to do with your dating him now. She is gone: he will need to move forward with his life.

“May I ask your approximate ages?”

Nancy’s reply: “Girl code is you don’t mess with a friend’s man.

“The guy she cheated with called their home after she passed not knowing she had died. He told her husband she told him she was a widow and said he was her current boyfriend. “I’m 65 and he’s 55.”

Tom’s second reply to Nancy: “You say, ‘Girl code is you don’t mess with a friend’s man.’ Does that code apply after the woman or man has passed away? I don’t think so. “

Can married women and men and people in committed relationships be platonic friends with members of the opposite sex?

“Yes, it’s healthy for us as we age to have friends of the same sex and the opposite sex. Recent studies during the pandemic by health officials reveal that loneliness and social isolation are unhealthy. We all need friends.

“Of course, knowing and respecting what is acceptable and not stepping over the relationship line are important. Trust and fidelity are essential in a marriage or committed relationship.

“Your friend’s wife wasn’t your friend, and you say your relationship with him was platonic. So, I don’t think your girl code applies here. The man probably needs and appreciates your friendship with him now. Your question made me think of a song sung by Jerry Vale in 1970, titled, ‘To Love Again.’

“Vale sang words that have stuck with me all these years:

‘No heart should refuse love

‘And if we should lose love, we have the right to love again.

‘Don’t live in the past dear. For you and me the die is cast dear. But if love won’t last dear, we have the right to love again.’ (The link to this song by Jerry Vale is below)

“I think all people have the right to pursue happiness after a loved one is gone. Of course, it’s a personal decision; there is no right or wrong. “We’ve all heard endless times where the dying spouse has unselfishly said to the spouse left behind, ‘I want you to find a nice mate.’

“Regarding the phone call from the man who called the house. How could he be dating a woman and not know that she still lived with her husband and wasn’t a widow? That sounds like a stretch of the truth and he was probably cheating with her.

“I feel the widower (and you as well Nancy) have the right to love again. Without guilt. Link to “To Love Again” by Jerry Vale

Reconnecting with Tom Maney

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 20, 2021
by Tom Blake – Columnist

Publishing my memoir, “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark,” yields an unexpected result: connecting with an old friend.

Most Champs are aware that I published a memoir in July. After all, you helped me create the book’s title, “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.” All paperback copies ordered by Champs so far have been autographed and shipped.

I wrote the book for three primary reasons:

1 -During the 26 years of owning and operating the deli, I met so many incredible people—employees, customers, friends, suppliers, and a few celebs—I wanted to acknowledge and thank them for contributing to the vitality of the deli. More than 550 are mentioned in the book.

2 -As we age, keeping our minds alert is nearly as important as keeping our bodies moving. This self-publishing project helped me keep my mind alert. There was a lot of research, a lot of looking facts up online, and a lot of editing and spellchecking. I did pretty well by keeping typos and errors to a minimum in the 382 pages. It helped fill the extra time made available by the Covid-19 epidemic.

3 -I thought that the book might contribute, ever so little, to the history of Dana Point, California, which became a city two weeks after I had opened the deli in 1988. The city and the deli grew up together. I felt that some people in Dana Point and surrounding cities might have an interest in the tidbits of history that the deli experienced during those years.

One thing I didn’t anticipate was the personal warmth I felt when reconnecting with people I hadn’t seen or talked to in up to 32 years. To locate many of them–even some who still live in Dana Point–required searching online, Facebook, Dana Point Unplugged, LinkedIn, and any other place I could think of.

This brings me to today’s story. In the book, in the 1990 chapter, I included two pictures of a customer named Tom Maney. One of the pictures is of Tom, which he had given me, chipping out a piece of the Berlin Wall, which had opened on November 9, 1988, signaling the fall of The Iron Curtain.

Tom chipped out that piece a few weeks after the Wall had fallen.

In addition to the picture, he also presented the deli with a chip from the wall he had brought back to Dana Point. That picture with the piece of the wall was mounted on the deli Wall of Fame. It remained there for 24 years until I retired in 2015.

Tom Maney moved to New York City in 1992. He went to work for ESPN sports. He sent me an ESPN tee-shirt in 1993, which I still have. We lost track of each other.

I wanted to include that picture with the piece of the wall in the book. So, I searched online for Tom Maney and discovered that he had done extremely well in a sports media career. Additionally, he has been successful in New Jersey and New York real estate. I sent him an email on June 26 with this subject line: “A Blast from the Past – Tutor & Spunky’s.”

And this is where that reward of connecting with old friends comes in. On June 29, Tom replied that he was semi-retired after spending 30 years in sports media. He wrote, “So many great memories that go beyond your terrific deli sandwiches.” His message gave me goosebumps.
He said he was going to order the book from Amazon.

Then, on August 14, Tom sent another email. He wrote, “What a great pleasure it was to spend the day at the beach (New Jersey’s Long Beach Island is a barrier island in the southern part of the Jersey Shore) reading your book. Dana Point has always had a special place in my heart. Thank you for including me in your wonderful story. What became of that picture and piece of the wall?”

I told him that the picture and piece of the Berlin Wall were now on our home-office wall. Reconnecting with Tom Maney happened because of the book. I had reached out to a long-lost friend. It meant so much to me.

I got to thinking, wondering if Tom Maney would like the picture and wall chip. So, I wrote him and said, “I would be honored to part ways with that deli artifact and send it to you as a return gift. It could become a part of your family’s genealogy and history.”

Tom responded: “I still have several pieces of the wall so there’s no need to return it. It belongs with all the Tutor & Spunky’s wall of fame items.

”32 years ago we were so young, handsome, and full of ambition. You did it right by doing your corporate career first and then moving to Dana Point. I did it backward. Now I have to figure out how to get back….”

So the piece of the Berlin Wall chipped out in 1990 remains in Dana Point, 31 years later.

Reconnecting with an old friend happened because of the book I had written. But people don’t need to write a book to reconnect with old friends. They can just do the search and try to find them. When you do, it will warm your heart.
I hope that as I reach out to more people who are in the book, there will be other stories similar to this one that will emerge–if I can track the people down.

Scott Schoeffel’s San Luis Obispo musical soiree

Reasons why married couples read this eNewsletter

**Ted and Marcia – Today’s featured couple – married 60 years**

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 6, 2021
By: Tom Blake Columnist

Reasons why senior married couples read this eNewsletter

About 10 years ago, I changed the name of this eNewsletter from Finding Love After 50 to On Life and Love After 50.

Why did I make the change?

I had started to hear from Champs that many were interested in topics other than just about senior dating. Some said they had met a mate and now wanted to hear more about other senior issues. Some had given up on meeting a mate and didn’t want to hear solely about dating. Heck, even some got married and had questions about later-in-life marriage issues.

Overall, Champs wanted to hear how other seniors were dealing with and coping with senior age-related issues.

Plus, I wanted to write about other topics in addition to keeping my toe in the dating, relationships-information waters. For example, Champs wanted to hear about the travels that Greta and I had taken, especially after we retired.
So, to keep up with the digital age, I changed the direction of the topics slightly.

However, a good old senior love story was still highly coveted.
I have always known that a good number of Champs are married or in long-term relationships. And I’m always curious why those people continue to read the eNewsletter.

Here’s a summary of what some have said:

“I read it when I was single; now that I’m married, I still enjoy it and learn from it.”

“Because people marry doesn’t mean they stop learning about other people.”

The most frequently stated reason is that when married people read about the woes and challenges of senior dating, it makes them appreciate their spouses more. They’ve said to me, “After reading what some of those singles go through; I’m holding my spouse close and never letting go. None of that senior single stuff for me.”

And when they say that, it pleases me.

One reason I don’t like to hear is when someone says, “I’m not happy in my (marriage, relationship, etc.,) and want to read what single life is like, as I may be back in it soon.” My hope is they will reconsider and stay married.

As always, my hope is to receive stories and comments from Champs. And today’s story comes from a man I’ve known a long time. Finally, this week, he agreed to share his story. He is married. His name is Ted; his wife’s name is Marcia. And that’s their picture above, taken two weeks ago (in July 2021).

And this is their story below, in the next section.

Ted and Marcia
Ted emailed, “Tom, you’d like this gal! Marcia is four years younger than I am and was just 18 and a recent high school graduate when we were married. I had just graduated from Albion College (Michigan) and was headed to the University of Michigan Law School. “People thought such a marriage could never last. But Harriett Pitts (high school English Literature teacher) would have smiled had she heard us discussing Shakespeare and great books while we courting.

“Marcia and I will be celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary in August. She grew up in Marshall, Michigan, and worked at the local radio station in nearby Albion during her junior and senior years in high school. I was working there at the time, and that’s where we met.

“We are planning a short ‘nostalgia tour’ of the Albion-Marshall area to celebrate. Romanticist that I am, the journey will include a trip to the First Presbyterian Church in Marshall where we were wed. We’ll be renewing our vows during the visit.

“Of course, any trip to Marshall involves dinner at Schuler’s (restaurant), and that will be special for us because we grew up in households where dining at an establishment of that caliber was something one aspired to do only once or twice in his or her lifetime. We are grateful that we are in a better place than our parents were.

“Every week, I read with interest your stories about, and your advice to, aging singles. Your advice always seems to be sound, but I’m glad that (so far) it’s not the guidance I need. We’ve been blessed with 60 happy years, three children (two sons and a daughter, all in their 50s), and five grandchildren aged 18 to 26. They have been, and of course continue to be, a hugely important part of our lives.

“Words of wisdom based on 60 years of marriage: ‘Talk to one another. Share your thoughts, whether they are good or not so good.’

“I’ve not purchased your new book yet, but that is my plan. I hope that it will finally satisfy my curiosity about the genesis of the name of your deli (Tutor & Spunky’s).”

Tom’s comment: Now I can confess. Ted and I graduated together from Jackson High School, Jackson, Michigan, a few years ago (64 years, egads) And yes, I ate at Schuler’s restaurant in Marshall many times with my family. I recall their bar cheese to be the best ever.

Lat (Living Apart Together) Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 30, 2021
By: Tom Blake – Columnist

Senior dating: Identifying the types of senior living relationships can be confusing

Lately, I’ve been receiving an increasing number of questions from Champs and single seniors regarding the various types of relationship living arrangements they are choosing or considering. The different acronyms can boggle the mind.

The most popular: LAT (living apart together)

In checking my columns-written archives, I first mentioned LAT relationships in eNewsletters during March 2018. The LAT designation was applied to Champs who were in unconventional relationships. Some stated they were committed, loving, intimate relationships, and yet, they lived under separate roofs.

This week, I searched online but couldn’t find any articles– other than ours–that had been published anywhere in the world earlier than 2019 on the LAT relationship topic. Our Champs blazed a trial in senior dating relationship definitions.

In the three and a half years since that 2018 article mention, the single senior living arrangement topic has mushroomed among people who write about senior relationships. And I sure hear more about the topic.

The primary reason why LAT relationships will not become the norm for seniors is financial. Two separate households are more expensive to occupy vs. when two people share expenses under the same roof. For some, a LAT isn’t affordable. And for some, it’s not even a desirable way to live.

For example, Mary Ann emailed: “To me, if a couple doesn’t live together there is no ‘US.’ The pluses appear to be having their own space, privacy, and daily routines. But living this way does not bring them closer and committed enough. I call this a compromised relationship (CR).” I’ve been in a few of those myself.

Champ Mark sent me a link to an online New York Times article dated July 16, 2021, titled, “Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart,” written by Francine Russo.

In the article, Russo mentions a widow named Linda Randall, who lives in Chicago and was widowed in 2016. Randall is now 81 and has a romantic, intimate, relationship with a widower, age 87, who lives across the alley from her and spends most nights at her apartment.

When the widower asked Randall if he could move in with her, Randall said no because she liked where she lived and felt they were different in how they lived.

Plus, a big factor was that Randall didn’t want to become a full-time caregiver. Living apart but nearby, Randall and the widower remain intimate.
Russo also wrote in the article, “In Europe, the data clearly shows that later-life LAT relationships are on the rise. And Russo quoted a Canadian sociology professor who said, “LAT is now a ‘popular option’ in the United States and Canada.”

Champ Joel, emailed this week: “I saw this term, which was new to me: ‘living celibate together.’ When I entered that as a Google search, a lot of articles showed up.”

I responded to Joel, “So now we have LCT (living celibate together) senior relationships? I don’t want to be in one of those.”
Joel answered, “Nor I, an

LCT doesn’t float my boat either.”

Another Champ, Ginny, whom we wrote about in April, a widow, age 80, has had a seven-year relationship with Harry, 87, a widower. They live three walking minutes apart.

Harry was the guy who didn’t want to remarry (he had been married 59 years). In April, Harry changed his mind and a November wedding was planned.

Now, Ginny says, they are planning to marry in September.

I asked her why they are getting married after seven years.
Ginny said, “I visit Harry nearly every evening. But I return home the same night. Because of our faith, we agreed years ago to abstain from sex unless married. It was difficult. After we marry, instead of coming home each night, I will come home the next morning. We can finally have sex.”

Ginny added, “Still, we will have a LAT marriage.”

“Why the LAT marriage?” I asked.

“We will have a prenup. We both have children and grandchildren. Our money stays separate as do our homes. I like my home. It’s a short walk. Why not?”

Tom’s comment

I love Ginny’s story! Could LAT-M (Living Apart Together Married’ become another senior dating term introduced to the world by our Champs?

I smile at the reason Ginny and Harry are getting married. Intimacy–better late than never–bless them, both. Update on Ginny and Harry: They married in September and a NY Times’ “Wedding columnist” Tammy LaGorce attended and is doing an article on them

There are three primary reasons why these unconventional LAT-type relationships are gaining popularity among seniors:

1. Avoiding being a full-time caregiver (one of the biggest and most often stated reasons)
2. Wanting a companion while keeping one’s home
3. Maintaining independence while enjoying intimacy (perhaps), love, and sharing.
More senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT relationship.
With these four options, LAT, LCT, CR, and LAT-M, no wonder senior dating is confusing.

Online dating question from Yolanda:“I am a widow of 11 years, looking for dating opportunities. I saw in an eNewsletter that you mentioned Cupid k 2 or Cupid two. Can you guide me to it?”

Tom’s answer to Yolanda: “I think the dating website you are looking for is OK Cupid. Their basic package is free. But there are some upgrades that could be helpful that will cost a small amount.
However, if you are beginning to go online with your dating, please be very careful because there are all kinds of scammers out there who try to take advantage of lonely women. Especially widows. NEVER send money to a stranger. If a person claims to be working overseas, that’s a red flag. Do not reveal your home address.

If you come across someone who might be interesting for you, have a background check done on that person. If he sends pictures, verify that the pictures are his via a Facebook or other account.I can’t stress enough to be leery of people you meet online. That being said, the Internet can be a good place to meet people, just be very aware. If you have doubts, feel free to contact me with details.

We can always post your situation in the eNewsletter and let Champs give you their opinions. I assure you, our Champs will leave no stone unturned–they’ve walked the walk and are a wealth of caring and loving information. Good luck. Keep us posted, Yolanda.

Tom Publishes “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” On life and love after 50 eNewsletter July 23, 2021

(The article today has been edited for length and clarity)

Tom has published a memoir titled “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.”

‌

This week’s news from Champs
Joanne, a Champ for more than 10 years, has moved into her new apartment on the West side of Albuquerque, New Mexico, after spending time at a friend’s place in Reno while her ABQ place was being renovated. She said, “I swore I’d never move again.” (But she did).

Larry, whose significant other lives in the Philippines Islands, had to postpone his travels to be with her for the 7^th time due to the pandemic. Larry said, “The Philippines are still not open for tourist visas due to raging Covid-19 there. I will try to book my 8th return flight schedule for late September, but I feel no optimism.”

Putting a positive spin on his frustration, Larry, an avid University of Alabama alumni (Roll Tide), added, “At least, I’ll be able to catch some college football!”

Beth emailed, “After reading your column about me in last week’s eNewsletter, I have made up my mind to not move to where my ex-boyfriend lives. I thought with my heart, and not with my brain when it came to him and maybe I was living in the past. My guess is this will be the last stop between us.”

Carmen – Champs will remember Carmen (Carm) Lodise, my high school classmate, who lives in Barra de Navidad, Mexico. Two months ago, Carm emailed that he would likely be visiting Northern Italy this summer or autumn. About five minutes after his email arrived, I received another email, which was from Annalisa, who lives in Milan, Italy.

In her email, Annalisa said she wanted to meet an American citizen as a potential mate. Although Annalisa doesn’t speak English, she uses a translation app to communicate in English. I introduced Carm and Annalisa via email and she invited him to visit her in Milan this summer and stay at her place.

Holy cow, a possible romance hatched via our eNewsletter and email. An eNewsletter column was written about Carmen and Annalisa and what might happen. That column linked to Andy Williams’s version of the song Where Do I Begin? the theme from Love Story.

However, Carm, similar to me, was busy finishing a memoir, a book titled, “Carmelo. The Adventures of a Smalltime Instigator.” (Pictured above on left). I understand how writing and publishing a book requires total dedication of time and effort to bring the project to the finish line. So, I understood why he wasn’t giving Annalisa the attention she craved.

Annalisa felt Carm wasn’t communicating enough with her so she became frustrated. Plans for the visit became iffy. And then the knockout punch landed. Even though they live in different countries, they are so politically divided that the trip was canceled. I won’t go into details, but as we Champs have discovered with this country’s political divide, that alone can be a relationship deal-breaker.

How fortunate Annalisa and Carm discovered they weren’t politically compatible before he traveled 5,000 miles and appeared at her front door.

Their story reminded me why I’m not a matchmaker. Similar to my book, Carmen Lodise’s book is on Amazon.com in paperback. I ordered and used Carmen’s book as a formatting guide in finishing my book. He will publish the eBook version on Amazon any day now.

Another Jackson High School (Jackson, Michigan) classmate, Rick Lenz (Rick Lenz.com) has authored several books and is always working on a new one. Why are three classmates from the same year and the same high school writing books? We had an incredible English Literature teacher named Harriett Pitts who inspired us and taught us well is the best answer.

Jackie emailed, “Congratulations on finishing your book. I’ve said so many times over the years how I could write a book with my juicy story! LOL. But, I’d have to change all the names and either be anonymous or change my name. Or, get a ghostwriter. I’m not sure I could stay focused long enough to write a book. “I’ve sold my home in Illinois and moved to Georgia. For the time being, I will be staying at a friend’s house. She and her family will be traveling for the first two weeks in August so I’ll have her home to myself.

“Maybe, I’ll travel to Dana Point this fall and attend another Meet and Greet at Tutor & Spunky’s with my sister, when you get them going again.”

Tom, “As mentioned above, I finished my memoir “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli: A Dana Point Landmark” this week. Both paperback and Kindle/eBook versions are available on Amazon.com. Of the five printed books I’ve published, it was the most demanding, timewise and effort-wise. It’s 365 pages with more than 100 photos. The book covers 28 years—1987 to 2015–and mentions 535 people who were directly or indirectly involved with the deli, including employees, customers, and celebrities, such as Johnny Cash, Abba, and Mick Fleetwood.

One thing that surprised me and Carmen about the paperback versions of our books is that Amazon determines the minimum price, based on the number of pages and number of photos. An author can’t demand a less expensive price if using Amazon. My paperback price is $24.52 plus shipping, except people with Amazon Prime get free shipping.

My eBook price is $8.99. If Champs want an autographed copy of my paperback version, I will personally mail that. The cost would be $23.97, including shipping. Email me if you would prefer a signed paperback copy and I will invoice you via Paypal at that price. The paperback version will be available in a week or so; the eBook version can be downloaded today. The link to my Amazon.com page is in the blue space below.

Next week’s eNewsletter topic will be Living Apart Together (LAT) and how various issues can influence this type of relationship, including caregiving, health, money, independence, and other considerations. I’d love to hear your opinions.

Tom’s book on Amazon.com

“Stay.” 7 reasons why she should not relocate to be with old beau

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 16, 2021

by Tom Blake – Columnist

Stay: 7 reasons why she should not relocate to be with old beau.

One of my readers named Beth emailed, “I need advice on a long-ago love from the 1990 years. We met through a singles ad in a local newspaper. We had great magic (chemistry) between us.

“We have kept in contact off and on for more than 20 years, with ups and downs. I live in Virginia; he lives in Connecticut, 500 miles apart. I am 79; he is 76.

“He has no children. My children are grown with families of their own. He wants me in his life again and wants me to live with him. I can’t seem to move away from my family. He will not visit me.

“He was in a biking accident three years ago and can’t travel a long distance even for a visit to see if we could make a go of it again. I don’t know what to do.”

My response: “From what you described you would be making all the sacrifices. He would be making none. That’s ridiculous! What if you moved there and he got sick or passed away? What would you be left with?

“Why didn’t it work out years ago?”

Beth said, “I want him, and I want my family. I want him to come for a visit, just to see if that magic is still there.

“He was getting over an ex-partner, and I was going through some things also when we met. I had to walk on eggshells at times with him. I think he had a trust issue with women, and he was a lawyer and saw the mean side of people all the time.

“I made the first contact this time after not hearing from him in over a year.

“No one since has made me feel the way he did and I don’t know what to do, he was special and I don’t want to lose him again, this might be the last stop for us.”

My response: “Beth, I don’t usually advise people on what to do. But here are seven questions to ponder.

7 Questions

He can’t travel long distances because of a bike accident three years ago. He can’t even take a bus or a train? Or, is it, he doesn’t want to bother to travel?

You hadn’t heard from him for more than a year. You contacted him. That doesn’t sound like a man who is interested in you.

The same magic, or chemistry that was between you two 20+ years before will not be the same. Age takes its toll on chemistry and senior sex. Also, if he is so debilitated from the bike accident, do you think he would have the same physical capabilities he had back then? And how about you? Would you still be like you were in that category?

Why, if you had to walk on eggshells with him before, do you think that would be different now?

You are 79. Do you think you’d want to relocate to be with a man you barely know and leave your family behind? Don’t you think that would be risky?

What if you moved and then got sick? At 79, it could happen. If he can’t ride on a train, how would he be able to care for you? And would he want to?

You say you don’t want to lose him again. As it is, you don’t have him.

I hope the above seven questions will clear the air for you. For a new senior relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page. It appears you two are not. You aren’t even in the same book or the same state. As Bob Seger sings, “Turn the Page.”

Speaking of music, you may or may not know that the song I culled the name “Champs” from is “Stay. The Load Out” by Jackson Browne.

Take heed from those lyrics: Stay where you are.

(Link to “Stay” is listed below. See if you can hear where Browne says “Champs.”)