Category: Tom Blake columnist

Senior Travel: Is this a cruise senior singles would enjoy? And, visiting Fiji

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – December 7, 2018

by Tom Blake Columnist

Senior travel: Is this a cruise singles would enjoy? And visiting Fiji

Champ Wayne asked, “Is the cruise you’re on one that singles would enjoy?”

My partner Greta and I are in the final two weeks of an 82-day cruise visiting the Pacific and Far East. We return to the port of Los Angeles on December 21. Our ship is the Holland America ship ms Amsterdam. I’ve thought about Wayne’s question often on this 82-day cruise that Greta and I are on. We are nearing the end with only two weeks remaining.

The first answer that comes to mind is: It depends what a single is hoping for when he or she signs up for the cruise. If the purpose is to meet a potential mate, I don’t think it’s the right cruise for that, although it could happen.

Why? On this cruise there are about 850 passengers. I’m estimating the average age of most passengers is 75. I’ve only seen a couple of singles under 50 on the trip. A few times per week, there is a “Singles & Solo Travelers Meet” event listed in the daily calendar, which is placed in each stateroom.

Greta and I attended one of those events, an afternoon gathering, and there were 22 women and eight men (besides us) who attended. That isn’t too bad of a ratio for senior singles events—about 3-to-one, women to men. The average age for that event was closer to 80.

But, from what we observed, we didn’t see any potential couples forming at that event. And, as women often say to me regarding singles events, some of the men were not relationship material.

Granted, couples may have met on this cruise that we don’t know about. But after 82 days, you develop a pretty good idea who is hanging out with whom, and we didn’t notice any newly formed couples.

That doesn’t mean older singles never meet on cruises.

We’ve met five or six couples, usually at dinner, who met on previous cruises and now travel together.

How about the cruise positives for a senior single who isn’t hoping to meet a mate on board? There are many:

  1. The incredible service and food. On this cruise, we’ve been treated like royalty by the hard-working staff. The food: mind-boggling
  2. Events around the ship: movies, lectures, happy hours, morning trivia and evening trivia, a walking deck of about 1/3 of mile, afternoon tea, cocktail parties, workshops, exercise classes, dance lessons and computer classes, and nightly live entertainment, which has been fabulous, with no driving home afterwards.
  3. Fascinating ports of call. Cities such as Tokyo, Tianjin (Beijing), Shanghai, Hong Kong, Keelung (Taipei), Ho Chi Ming City, Singapore, Bali, Darwin, Cairns, Mooloolaba, Sydney, and about 20 lesser-known ones.
  4. Friends you make on board. Many couples have traveled on previous cruises with people they are traveling with now.

True, if a cruise ship doesn’t have a single supplement, the cost for a single can be the same as for a couple, or double. That can be a huge drawback. To my knowledge, singles paid full fare on this cruise.

If singles want a little more singles-type action, there are other cruises that would be more suited to that. Plus, at 82 days, if you’re looking for love, you might take a considerably shorter cruise because once you’ve met everybody on this cruise, you will still have a lot of days with the same people left with no new prospects. That could be a bummer.

Part 2 – “Bula Bula” and “Fiji Time”: A description of the ship visiting Fiji

After three days visiting New Caledonia, the ship made two port calls in Fiji.

On Wednesday, the ship anchored at Port Denarau, which serves as the port for Nadi (pronounced nandy). When Greta and I got off the tender boat that brought us ashore, we didn’t have a plan for the day other than to visit the Garden of the Sleeping Giant, Fiji’s largest orchid collection. On the way there, we passed sugar cane fields near the Nadi International Airport. I took this photo through the front windshield of a truck carrying sugar cane.


     Sugar cane truck in front of our taxi 

The garden was founded by actor Raymond Burr in 1977, who wanted a place to keep his own orchids. The garden was a 20-minute ride by vehicle from the port. We ended up hiring a guide with a taxi for a three-hour visit, including the garden plus some other highlights in Nadi.

When our taxi didn’t arrive at the scheduled time, our guide, Peter, explained to us the term “Fiji Time.” He said, Fiji is a relaxed, laid-back society. If something didn’t happen as scheduled, it was “no worries, life is good, we’ve still got the earth and sky, and beauty all around us.” As we passed the Nadi International Airport, I wondered if they operated on “Fiji Time,” but didn’t ask him.

I did, however, ask Peter if he played Rugby. I was only guessing, but at about 6’4”, 250 pounds, he looked like he could play the part. He was so big he could barely fit in the front passenger seat of the taxi. He smiled and said yes. Then, he proudly told us about Fiji winning its first Olympic gold medal in 2016, for its Ruby 7 (7 players) team. He said, “The government printed a special $7 bill to honor the team.”

I have a friend from New Zealand who is a rugby nut. Loves his New Zealand “All Blacks” rugby team. I said to Greta we’ve got to get one of those seven-dollar bills to tease him a bit. New Zealand and Rugby are big rugby rivals.

Suva Fiji

The second term we learned in Fiji was “Bula, Bula.” That means hello or good-bye or both. That was especially apparent to us in our second day in Fiji when we docked at Suva, the capital of Fiji, a five-minute walk to one of the largest fruit, vegetable and seafood markets we’ve seen in our lives.

From our stateroom on the ship, I counted at least 30 buses parked in the lot next to the market, and another 10 or more waiting on the street to come into the market lot until another would leave. People arrive by bus from all around the island to pick up their produce for home. From what I could see there is no rail system in Fiji, a sharp contrast to the major cities we had visited earlier in the trip.

Everybody in Suva says “Bula” or “Bula Bula.” I mean everyone. And as we walked beyond the market to the heart of downtown Suva, the natives, probably recognizing us as foreigners, love to say Bula. I think Fiji is one of the friendliest countries we’ve ever been to.

And yes, in Suva, we went into a sporting goods store and asked if they had a $7 rugby bill. They did. I bought it. Cost me $5 USA. I’m gonna surprise my buddy with it.


The Fiji seven-dollar bill honoring the gold medal 2016 Olympic Champions for Ruby 7s

Who HASN’T been ghosted?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – September 21, 2018

by Tom Blake Columnist

The question is: Who HASN’T been ghosted?

Two weeks ago, I didn’t even know what the term “ghosting” was as it pertains to senior dating and relationships. So last week I wrote about it. Nearly 25 Champs shared their ghosting thoughts.

Virginia said, “It speaks to the core of the person who uses this self-centered, rude method of ending a communication. Someone should write a book of ethics for dating, starting with ‘be respectful’ of the other person’s feelings, it doesn’t take much to do it properly.

The person you are ‘ghosting’ may very well know somebody who could be a better fit for you, and certainly wouldn’t recommend you to friends if you participate in this ghosting practice. It shows your substance is weak, rude, low-class, and you have unethical character traits.

Maybe Champs could offer enough suggestions to create guidelines for dating seniors…sort of like the ‘Amy Vanderbilt Socially Responsible Guide to Dating for Seniors with Class,’ except it would of course be ‘Tom Blake’s Guide to Dating with Class.’

Wouldn’t it be nice to accept a date with someone who was a member of this new branch of your club? It would take some of the anxiety out of first dates. Sort of like belonging to a country club where at least you know people will have some manners!

Who knows? it might make the best seller list!”

Terry Lee, “I have had it both ways many times. If a person doesn’t want to continue, it is his or her problem. I have many things to offer and recognize there are areas others could care less about. I would at least let them know nicely.”

Liz, “Two weeks ago, I was senior ghosted for the first time. Had a first date with someone I knew slightly. He acted as if he was very keen and then nothing. Made me feel insecure as I have no clue why. Usually, you have some idea.”

Terry: I get “Ghosted” or “Shun-Moded” a lot on Facebook due to my political beliefs and affiliations. Facebook calls it ‘Unfriend’ and ‘Blocking.’”

Margaret: “I was recently ‘ghosted.’ A friend set me up with his widower pal. We met for lunch and I thought we had a nice time and he told me he would like to go see me again. This was a few weeks before Christmas. After the date, he sent me this email:

“Just wanted to say thanks again for a great afternoon shared with you Saturday. It was so refreshing to sit with someone as vibrant and fun as you are. I hope you and your family have a blessed Christmas. I look forward to sharing time with you again soon. Talk soon.”

I responded: “Thank you for lunch and a great conversation. Looking forward to spending time with you.”

After a couple of emails wishing each other “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year,” I never heard from him again. Finally, my buddy that had set us up told me this man had met and was dating someone he really liked. Knowing this, I felt so much better that it wasn’t something about me; but, that he had met someone he had a lot of chemistry with. I wish he had simply let me know.

I also “ghosted” someone 18 months ago. We had dated for six months and I realized there were too many qualities and warning signs this man was not the right person for me. He was a kind, nice and generous man so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him the reasons this relationship wasn’t going to work. I stopped answering his calls, texts and emails.

In retrospect, I feel bad that I didn’t tell him the relationship just wasn’t working for me. I was nervous he would ask me why.”

Don: “I went for a first meeting after talking and/or emailing women I met on Plenty of Fish. In most cases, the woman was older than her picture. Noticeably older, decades older in one case.

I learned to ask to meet for coffee on the first date. This way it was not a big deal. It just made for an interesting encounter. But, I was not attracted in a romantic way. I always tried to be kind by saying ‘I’ll call you.’ I guess I was ghosting.

I met some women who enriched my life with travel and affection. I had one experience where I flew from Texas to Calif. to meet a woman for the first time. She met all my expectations, but I knew at the airport she was uncomfortable. We hugged three days later when she dropped me off at the airport.

That was our only contact. It was embarrassing to me and I assume her. If a woman tells me she will call and doesn’t, the message is clear.”

Gail, “I’ve been ghosted and it was painful, but, later, I realized it was for the better. The act of ghosting is passive, aggressive and I cannot stand people that have that trait. I am no longer on dating sites and haven’t been for a while. Ghosting–but maybe not the term itself–has been around for ages.”

Stella, “I would prefer being ‘ghosted’ vs. being told ‘I’ll call you,’ and wait for the call that never comes.”

Linda, “I wouldn’t mind being ghosted on the first date. We all do it to some extent. Have you ever had a needy neighbor or relative who just keeps calling or tries to engage with you and you’ve had enough for a while?

Some of us have children we have ghosted. I love my children but one of them has so many problems from the decisions he makes, that a good ghosting from mom is a form of protection.”

Jeanne: “Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned truth? What about saying at the end of the date: ‘I enjoyed meeting you (having dinner with you etc.) but I don’t think we are a match?’ Or, ‘I wish you great good luck in your search!’

This has worked for me many times! These are human lives and egos and feelings we are dealing with here. I am not so abrupt sounding as the above sounds, but you get the drift. Kindness and honesty together.”

Kim: “Two years ago, I was ghosted after 30 years – that was pretty tough on me, but all good now that I am independently owned and operated. I am a Champ from Galveston Island, Texas. It has been interesting – small dating pool! Dating is complicated at 56, but intriguing. A great learning experience regarding people, personalities and pasts.”

Note from Tom: Kim answered the mystery photo question from last week. She said, “I wanted to show you my picture of Sonny Bono and me in Palm Springs.”


Champ Kim, 56, from Galveston Island, Texas. Statue of Sonny Bono is in the heart of downtown Palm Springs, on Palm Canyon Drive, adjacent to Ruby’s. (Photo courtesy of Kim). Email me if you want to contact her. 

Elaine, “Being online essentially means you’re cloaked by anonymity. Disappearing (ghosting) is easy. It lends itself to dismissive behavior and discards manners, which is prevalent in today’s world anyway. If a man meets a woman and he’s unimpressed or there is no chemistry, it’s probably easier to hit the road without explanation than explain that we’re not a Match and I’m moving on. It’s part of the dating world culture and though it’s rude, it isn’t personal.

There’s always a bigger, better deal out there or at least that’s what many believe. Women do it too. If ghosting hurts your feelings, online dating may not be for you. It’s a great way to meet people but some don’t look like their pictures and meeting someone is the only way to determine attraction. It can be disappointing especially for seniors who are often unfit and set in their ways.”

Joel, “Way before the ghosting term was invented and for several years in my quest for a mate, if I had no interest after the first meet-up, I just walked away. To those women today I would say I’m sorry, that was a cowardly thing to do. I did it because I didn’t want to have to explain what I was thinking because it might hurt the woman and make me look stupid and shallow.

Later in my dating life, I realized the value of giving and receiving honesty and candor. A turning point came when I received a response from a woman I had emailed on Match.com. She wrote, “I’m not interested.”

Wow, I thought, what a time saver.”

Tom’s conclusion: So, there you go Champs. Lesson learned, in my opinion: Instead of saying nothing, this is better. “We are not a match, but you are a good person. Thank you.”

Also, wanted to say, there were other terrific responses last week, on other dating topics, which I will include in future newsletters. Thanks to all of you.

In next week’s newsletter, I’ve got something big to share with you. Until then,  adios.

Tom Blake 24 years of writing columns

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 6, 2018

There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter. Tom Blake columnist.

Part One – Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”

I reply: “No journalism school. I’ve been writing for 24 years. I learned to write sitting on barstools, while trying to meet women after my divorce.”

That answer probably needs an explanation.

On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years, and her two boys, decided they’d had enough of me. While I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, they took what furniture and belongings they wanted and moved out of my life.

I had no clue that was going down. Oh, I knew we had some issues to discuss, but most couples do. I found out the morning after Christmas when my wife telephoned me at Mom’s and told me.

On the drive home, I had a notepad in my lap. When you’ve got nine hours to drive, a million thoughts go through your mind.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left water in two days?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first?

By trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad. My writing career had begun, although I didn’t know it.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I got served. With divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become a divorced-man’s diary. That divorce turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill. Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s and other Orange County singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. On those barstools is where I learned to write.

After five months, I put the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought, maybe I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in the city where I lived.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to a meeting at their office.

At the meeting, their first question: “What do you have in mind?”

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from the male-point-of-view.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your woe-is-me adventure.”

“Home alone, with only dogs for company,” was the title of my first newspaper column. It appeared July 7, 1994–24 years ago tomorrow–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him”

Welcome to the dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, the Register itself, the nation’s 20th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity.

Seven years ago, I was blessed to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch, in south Orange County, California. I am very lucky to have this incredible opportunity to write for newspapers that are still printed. How so?

On Tuesday, July 3, the Boston Globe newspaper published an article by Evan Horowitz that stated, “The newspaper industry has declined faster and fallen further than some of the most famously collapsing sectors of the American economy. Coal mining, steel manufacturing, fishing.” Since 2000, newspaper employment has fallen by more than 60 percent…

“Nearly 300 English-language daily newspapers have disappeared from the US landscape in the past 20 years….Florida, California, New Jersey, and Michigan have each lost roughly 70 percent of their newspaper jobs…In San Diego, newspaper employment is down 83 percent since 2002.” So, I’m very fortunate to still have my articles printed by functioning newspapers, published by hard-working Americans.

And even though this is off-topic, I have to say this: I was devastated with the mass shooting at the Capital Gazette newspaper office in Annapolis, Maryland, last week. So senseless. Each of the five killed reminded me of someone I know. 

The number of columns and eNewsletters I’ve written in 24 years—approaching 4,000.

Why was that divorce 24 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought two appearances on the Today Show and an appearance on Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I’ve shared so many incredible experiences in the 20 years we’ve been together, I don’t have time to write about them all.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 24 years? Not much. Except now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, it includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible and one of the biggest issues single seniors still deal with is loneliness.

Adversity leads to opportunity

Often, adversity leads to opportunity. For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is at the time–to look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the adversity pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it and follow your instinct. It will help you heal.