| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 6, 2026 By Guest Therapist Debbie Sirkin |
| Ask the Therapist The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Conflict Why staying quiet to “keep the peace” may be hurting your relationship. Hi Champs, It’s Debbie. Tom asked me if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everythingthat has been going on in his life, and I’ve received many thoughtful questions from so many of you. He and I thought this would be a good time to address some of them. And as always, this is your reminder that you can ask the therapist anything that’s on your mind, no subject is off limits. My email is DebbieSirkin@gmail.com. Two issues continue to come up from you Champs, and they are very similar to what I see regularly in therapy sessions: Conflict-avoidant partners and communication problems. The two often go hand in hand. What Is a Conflict-Avoidant Person? A conflict-avoidant person (often called a CA) is someone who avoids discussing issues thatbother them or topics that may be important to their partner. They often believe that if they don’t bring something up, they are “keeping the peace.” This behavior can come from: • Fear of rejection or abandonment• Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings• A desire to not disappoint the person they care about. But when someone continually avoids expressing their feelings, they are denying an important part of themselves. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, hopelessness, and eventually anger. Why Avoiding Conflict Becomes a Problem When feelings are pushed down long enough, they don’t disappear, they build. Eventually those emotions surface, often at the worst possible moment. Sometimes the reaction isn’t even directed at the partner but shows up somewhere else—like road rage or snapping at a stranger. The conflict-avoidant person believes staying quiet will keep the relationship smooth. Unfortunately, the opposite often happens.Silence can slowly erode trust. When you aren’t open about how you feel, your partner may begin to wonder whether they truly understand what’s going on with you. Another common pattern is the mental “tally.” When the eventual explosion happens, past grievances suddenly appear: “Two years ago you did…” But those issues were never discussed at the time, and the person has been carrying the hurt far longer than necessary. Where These Patterns Often Begin Many conflict-avoidant behaviors begin in childhood. If expressing feelings growing up led to dismissal, criticism, or tension, children often learn that the safest path is to stay quiet and keep the peace. The good news is that patterns learned earlier in life can be unlearned. Changing the Pattern To change how we behave, we must first change how we think.If speaking up in the past led to negative outcomes, it’s understandable that you may have learned to stay silent. But those beliefs can be replaced with healthier ones. Practice reminding yourself: • My feelings are valid.• I have the right to express them. • Honest communication can strengthen relationships.It’s also important to remember something crucial: Speaking up isn’t about controlling the other person’s reaction. It’s about expressing yourself in a healthier way and honoring your own needs. Try Starting the Conversation This Way If you’re unsure how to begin, here are a few examples: • “It’s a little hard for me to say this, but I’d like to share how I’m feeling.” • “My intention isn’t to argue—I just want us to understand each other better.” • “I’d really like to talk about my thoughts on X. I think together we can find a solution that works for both of us.” One very important tip: Before starting any meaningful conversation, ask the other person if it’s a good time to talk.Timing can make a big difference. Final Thoughts Avoiding conflict may feel like the safer choice in the moment. But over time, silence can create distance, resentment, and misunderstanding. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, openness, and the courage to speak up—even when it feels uncomfortable. The encouraging news is that these patterns are learned, which means they can also be changed. Every time you choose to communicate honestly and respectfully, you strengthen trust and deepen connection. And remember: Your voice matters. Your feelings matter. And healthy relationships make space for both. Thanks to Tom for letting me chime in this week. Please feel free to email me with comments or questions. |
On Life and Love after 50 