On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024
Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert
In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.
Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.
“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’
“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.
“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”
Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.
Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.
“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.
“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.
“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.
Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.
Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.
“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”
Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.
“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.
“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.
Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.
Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.
Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.
“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”
Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”
Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.
“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.
“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”
Tom’s ending comments
We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.
When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.
However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.
Link to Sea of Heartbreak:
On Life and Love after 50 