Month: May 2024

Time Waits For No One

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 24, 2024

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

In the early 1950s, a quartet called the Hilltoppers had a #1 hit song titled, “P.S. I Love You.” Most people who enjoyed listening to music on the radio back then recall that classic love song.

The Hilltoppers had other lesser-known songs as well. One that I enjoyed was “Time Waits For No One.”

This week, I thought about that song’s opening lyrics sung by Jimmy Sacca, the lead singer: “Time waits for no one it passes you by…” Those words made me think of my writing career and the evolution of senior dating.

I reflected on the year 1994. Life for me was good then. I owned Tutor & Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, which kept me busy seven days a week. Plus, I was married for a third time, and happy as a clam, at least that’s what I thought.

And then, an unexpected event hit me like a ton of bricks.

While I was in Northern California visiting my 81-year-old mom, I was blind-sided when my wife of six years telephoned me to announce that she and her two boys had taken what furniture and belongings they wanted and moved out of our Dana Point home.

I was shocked, humiliated, and saddened. My “happy life” had changed in an instant. That night, I started keeping a journal, trying to understand what had happened. I was 54.

Two months after my wife’s phone call, she filed for divorce. I decided to date, thinking I’d be hot stuff — lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date an older, broken man. I wrote about my divorce and futile dating attempts in the journal.

Adversity can lead to opportunity

Often, after people experience adversity, unexpected opportunities emerge. That happened to me.
I was not a writer in 1994. But six months after my wife’s move out, I became one.

Using the notes from the journal, I wrote a 72-page short story about a 54-year-old man being dumped and divorced by his wife, and his subsequent frustrating dating life.

I submitted the story to two women editors, Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn, of the Dana Point News, a printed weekly newspaper owned by The Orange County Register. Those two women gave me the chance to become a columnist.

My first article, “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company,” was published on July 7, 1994. I had no idea how long my writing gig would last. A week? A month?

For the next 16 years, I wrote senior dating columns for The Register newspapers. And then, 13 years ago, I started writing for Picket Fence Media (PFM), which owned the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch. I made appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

Last year, the Times Media Group, a newspaper syndicate in Arizona and Los Angeles, purchased (PFM.) I hoped the transfer of ownership wouldn’t end my print-newspapers writing career.

It’s been almost a year since the Times Media Group acquired PFM. I am still writing for them. I realize how blessed I am to be writing for printed newspapers. The number of columns including weekly eNewsletters written in 30 years is approximately 4,800.

I started writing these eNewsletters about 20 years ago. That time has gone by in a whiz. Time Waits for No One.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 30 years? Of course! In 1994, seniors mainly met potential mates the old-fashioned way—via networking with friends and socializing.

Now, the Internet provides online dating with opportunities and dangers. Online dating sites are filled with romance scammers. When I began writing, my topic was dating after 50. Now it’s dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—it’s challenging to meet someone compatible. And, women 60+ often remind me there aren’t enough available men.

And speaking of the 90s, our Champ, Les Jones, who is in 98, wrote this week. He said, “Please watch the annual Memorial Day Concert on PBS on May 26, Sunday evening. I’m being honored as a World War II veteran and will be on TV.”

Les can attest to how time waits for no one, he fought for our country in Europe and in the Pacific nearly 84 years ago.

The ending words in the Hilltoppers’ “Time Waits For No One” song are “…let’s take love while we may.” Those five words apply to my writing career and senior dating. Most single seniors would like to take and receive love. We don’t have time left to waste. 


Link to Time Waits For No One

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert
 Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
. 
I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face. 

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state 

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for. 

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence   – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care?  -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.)  Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent. 

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems. 

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona. 

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away. 

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years 

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby. 

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors. 

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke 

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine. 

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area. 

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted! 

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though). 

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months. 

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away. 

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time. 

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer. 

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change. 

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly. 

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place. 

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

A complex senior long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 10, 2024

By Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

Champ AD, 62, lives in Minnesota. She responded to last week’s LDR (long-distance relationship) article: “My life is all about an LDR and who pays for the date.

“In 1979, Garth and I met and spent a brief month together the year we graduated from high school. He was this cute CA guy, and I was a small-town waitress farm girl, on the Minnesota-Canadian border. He hopped back on the bus headed west, and that’s where our relationship ended; no internet or phones, and life went on. 

“He married twice, but neither marriage lasted more than two years.

“I got married in Vegas, after a brief work relationship, when I was 25 and stayed married for 30 years. I felt awful for living the lie of being ‘in love,’ when I never was. Had I been treated better; I may have fallen in love. My ex-husband cared for me in every possible way he knew how, but he never got to know my heart.”

Reconnecting after 40 years

AD continued: “Shortly after my divorce in 2015, I joined Facebook. Garth, who had been looking for me for years, happened upon my profile when he found a comment I had made on my ex-sister-in-law’s page.

“The craziness of this all was in January 2018, when he messaged me, but I didn’t know what messenger was and didn’t see his message. 

“Long story short, I went in for major surgery in Feb. 2018, to prevent a guaranteed and hereditary cancer of my pancreas, but due to complications, my one surgery turned into three. I was given a 5% chance of living and was put in hospice with two weeks to live. 

“While my daughter was at my side, and in charge of my phone for the weeks in the ICU and the months in the hospital, she found Garth’s message. 

“For whatever reason, it wasn’t my time to die, and I lived and woke up to a poem Garth wrote about our summer of 1979. I never forgot him; his poem gave me the hope and strength to fight and live. 

“Forty+ years had gone by, and Garth happened to find me in my darkest hour and place. He reminded me of how he would have felt had he heard from my daughter that I had passed away when he’d been looking for me a long time.

“What I have taken away from those days and nights in that hospital bed, knowing that the time was coming soon when I wouldn’t open my eyes again, was how little every possession in my life meant, and what I would do if I lived. 

“I wouldn’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart, or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

A LDR began

“I met Garth in person after 40+ years apart, at a hotel in Redlands, California in June 2022. I was one nervous lady.

“I am 63 and Garth is 62. I am self-employed, and although I can work from anywhere, I have stayed close to Minnesota for my kids and family. Garth works on San Nicolas Island and doesn’t have the flexibility of working anywhere he chooses, he has no kids and a small family.” 

Tom’s note: San Nicolas Island is one of the Channel Islands about 60 miles west of Los Angeles and 35 miles west of Catalina Island. It’s an uninhabited island except for a few workers at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station that is located there.

AD continued, “Garth remains in CA to care for his mother’s affairs until her passing. At that time. he plans to move to Minnesota.

“Next month we will have been in a relationship for two years. In July, I am driving to CA to be with him. I hope to spend the rest of the summer seeing how well we do on a full-time basis.

“The decision to leave my kids and grandkids, even for six weeks, is scary, but I would regret missing this opportunity. I feel it’s time. 

“The most difficult challenge, for me, in any relationship at this age, is pleasing everyone. My daughters get protective and grandkids tear at my heart and it’s hard not to feel guilty about having a life. One of my biggest faults is to put too much thought into what family and friends think.

“Two years is a long time and lots of money has been spent to see each other, and we have never spent more than 2-3 weeks together in one stretch. This is money that I would prefer to spend on a vacation and fun, not just maintaining a relationship, so I feel it’s my time to decide.

“We used to see each other every month, but now it has slowly gotten to four months of not seeing each other, sometimes due to work, but mostly $$. Airfare only increases and I am growing tired of airline prices and schedules deciding my life and hurting my heart. 

“Sometimes it feels like I am in a relationship with a telephone. I wish I were a hermit because an LDR might be a bit easier, but I enjoy everything life offers. 

“One of my lowest moments was in January 2024. Christmas had been without Garth, and Covid for a 3rd time. This is when I found you, Tom, online and reached out to you for advice, direction, and understanding. Someday I will share this with Garth.

“A few months back, I ordered your eBook titled, Who Pays For The Date? on the draft2digital website. The cost was $2.39.

(https://draft2digital.com) Search on Tom Blake to see Tom’s 10 eBooks

“The book has had a very positive effect on my LDR relationship with my CA guy. I see sharing the cost of trips, meals, etc. through much clearer eyes now, and I would have felt awful throwing in the towel and then reading your book after the fact.

“Your book made me consider this question: ‘Why should a man, who has flown across the country, solely to see me for a few short days, be expected to pick up the tab at a fine-dining restaurant?’ When he arrived, I drove him to a nice restaurant and picked up the tab.

“At times, our relationship has been difficult. I would have thrown in the towel a dozen times if Garth hadn’t fought so hard for us to stay together. We have finally reached the point of splitting airfares, if necessary, since he travels here far more, or I pick up the tab often when he comes this way.

“I’ve never been one to take the easy path, and I have always followed my heart. I’m not saying I would tackle a LDR again, but it’s too late now. I’m in it, and what a gift ‘time’ is, as it is slowly bringing me more understanding and patience with the weeks and months between our seeing each other.

“All we have is ourselves to blame if we leave this world with only regrets vs memories in the making. I won’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

“Garth and I have spent a lifetime apart, but the chemistry is still there, which is so hard to find after age 60.”

Tom’s Take

-AD’s LDR is as complex as any that I’ve heard about

-I’m pleased AD is taking a couple of months to be with Garth in California to see how they do on a full-time basis

-They need that time to communicate and to get to know each other

-Having met and been attracted to each other in 1979 is part of the glue that keeps them together, during a difficult two-year period

-Relocation seems not to be a factor (as it was with the Golden Bachelor couple). Garth will be moving to Minnesota. Hence, AD can share love and be near her family

-AD is following her heart, after having been so close to death. Love matters to her, but not so much the little things, as she refers to them

-Garth loves her, which he has proven to her time and time again

-I am pleased that my simple eBook, Who Pays For The Date? helped her. It costs $2.39. I have 10 eBooks on that book site https://draft2digital.com  (At the site, search on my name or the book’s title)

-AD’s story is an example of the complexity and depths of the lives of our Champs.

Everybody has a story. I’d like to hear more of them. 

Senior Long-Distance Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 3, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Senior Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) can work but…

Last week’s eNewsletter featured Gerry, The Golden Bachelor (72), and Theresa (70), the woman he selected to become his wife. They married on January 4, 2024, on live TV.

Three months later, on Good Morning America, they announced they were getting a divorce. Why? They said they couldn’t adjust to being in an LDR (long-distance relationship). Gerry lives in Indiana; Theresa lives in New Jersey; neither wanted to relocate.

One wonders if during the hoopla and excitement of being on national TV, did either person consider how living 1,000 miles apart might affect their marriage? Apparently not.

I thought my article was possibly a yawner. However, several Champs responded favorably. The first comment I received was from Champ Pam, who wrote, “It made me laugh out loud! I thought it was very clever and one of THE BEST you have ever written! It’s a ’10.’” Pam’s words got my Friday headed in the right direction.

What surprised me was the number of responses about the pluses and minuses of senior LDRs. Many seniors are either currently online dating or considering online dating and they realize an LDR might result from online dating.

Champ Andrea wrote, “I lost my husband of 30 years this past October. We had a great marriage and of course, I miss him every day.

“However, at 74, I’m ready to look for my next ‘chapter.’ I have read your blogs regarding catfishing. I live in an age 55+ community (Laguna Woods, Orange County, Calif.) and while there are some single men there, most of the eligible ones are on the ‘needy’ side!”

“What do you think about online dating sites? Any recommendations would be appreciated.”

Andrea realizes that when two people connect via online dating, and a relationship evolves, it usually starts as an LDR.

My question: In the 60-to-80+ age range, can an LDR work? Senior Long-Distance Relationships challenges:

A major consideration is the distance in either time or miles between each other. My rule of thumb is if more than a half-hour drive or 20 miles, it’s too far for me.

And what if one or both don’t drive? Or, if one or both don’t drive at night? One wise Champ said, “There’s always Uber, Lyft, or a new service called Yellow Taxi, so those obstacles can be overcome.”

I reminded her that the roundtrip cost can be prohibitive. In 2023, I took an Uber from my Dana Point home to Laguna Woods, 13.4 miles, and then back. The cost was $52 plus tip.

And what if the new couple wants to be together regularly? Who is going to relocate? That was the downfall of Gerry and Theresa. Neither one of them!

Don’t get me wrong. Some LDRs can and have worked. Take Champ Larry, who currently lives in Florida. He shared his LDR stories after reading last week’s column.

Larry mentioned that 46 years ago, he went to Boston with a buddy who fixed Larry up on a blind date. Larry was smitten with her.

Shortly after they met, he moved to NYC from Chicago. He said, “When I was in New York, I invited her to drive from Boston. The rest was history.”

He added, “We started an LDR as my first job out of graduate school was in Pierre, South Dakota, working in the office of a newly elected Governor, and then later I was recruited to work in the Illinois Governor’s office in Springfield, Illinois. She and I got together bimonthly until I asked her to marry me.

“We married in Boston and 45 years later she died of cancer in our Grand Haven, Michigan, home in hospice care. She was my wife; lover; mother of my children, and best friend and cheerleader for my political profession.”

Would Larry and his wife be able to get together now that he’s in his mid-70s, vs. 46 years ago? Probably not, just too far away.

However, recently he took another chance with another LDR. His children urged him to go online. He did. He said, “I met Liz who lived only four miles away, but it could have been 100. Driving back and forth in traffic, keeping clothing at two locations, meals, and children visiting from out of town are just some of the issues seniors face in even a short-mileage LDR.”

I might add another item to Larry’s list. What happens if the senior who drives forgets his or her meds and absolutely must have them that night? Egad, does that mean going back home and then returning? Or just going home that night and not returning that night? Meds are easy to forget; I’m speaking from experience. Oh my, the challenges of senior dating.

Larry continued, “Liz moved in with me after nearly two years of LDR dating. Now, we are learning a lot about each other and this ‘experiment continues’ with both sets of eyes wide open.

“LDRs for seniors today are even more difficult whether miles away or close.”

(In the small world department, when I first met Larry a few years ago, he mentioned he was going to Grand Haven, Michigan, for the summer. I said to him: “My mom grew up there.” He said, “What was her name?”

I said, “Frances Pardee.” He said, “A man named George Pardee gave me my first job in Grand Haven.” I was dumbfounded.

I said, “George Pardee was my mom’s brother, my uncle.” Larry was equally surprised. Years later, Larry became the city manager of Grand Haven.)

Back to Senior LDRs

Champ Jim also commented about senior LDRs, “It’s too hard to adjust to a new environment or to travel back and forth for a relationship. And what happens if you have a dog or a cat that you leave at home, as I do? Are you going to leave your animal alone for six hours or overnight? That wouldn’t be right.

“And how about the person you’re going to visit? He or she might also have an animal that might not mix well with your pet or might not like you. This is another challenge of senior dating.”

However, Jim admits he is open to traveling a few extra miles for the right woman.

So, when senior dating, and you meet a person who lives x miles away, be prepared to have the LDR discussion–the who, what, when, and how will the LDR challenges be overcome.