On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter
February 16, 2024
Columnist Tom Blake
Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?
A woman Champ from the Midwest emailed and asked to remain anonymous so I will call her Dawn. She raised a question that’s been around for the 30 years I’ve written about senior dating: Who pays for the date?
And if a relationship develops, how do couples deal with expenses? Who pays for what?
Dawn is involved in a long-distance relationship. Her manfriend lives approximately 2,000 miles away. Long-distance relationships usually have added expenses, mainly the cost of travel to see each other, which Dawn alludes to.
Her email subject line read: “Dating over 60 and many miles apart…”
And then she continued, “I know there are many variables to consider, but given two average-income people, how much is a woman expected to pay?
“Airfare, dinners, hotels, outings, vacations…Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?
“If the man pays for the flight to come visit, is it fair to say the woman pays for the meals and any fun events planned while visiting if they are all initiated by the woman?
“Or if I am the one traveling west, and during my stay I want to eat out at a restaurant out of my norm…because I initiated it, should I be paying for it there?
“There is still a lot to be said for men who are complete gentlemen; opening all doors, standing up at the table when the woman stands up, helping and carrying her coat., etc. These are all so perfectly done for me, always, and I am just trying to understand the money part.
“My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.
“I understand they come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.
“They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.
“Have times changed?
“I don’t want to be a fool in love; I just want to feel supported while in love.”
Tom’s Comments
Who Pays For The Date? has been a controversial topic for years. In my 30-years of writing about senior dating, I’ve written about it several times and I published an eBook in 2009 titled “Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?” Details about the availability of that book are at the end of today’s column.
Back to Dawn’s email. Some of our men Champs may take offense to a few of the sentences.
For example, this one: “Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?”
The question infers that men who are well off should pay for everything. Love and relationships are about sharing. Not about a man paying for everything if he is well off.
And it’s important to note that women who are well off shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because they can.
Three more sentences that could be offensive to men
And then there were three other sentences that some men might find offensive.
1 “My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.”
2 “I understand they (her older women friends) come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.”
3 “They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.”
Regarding sentence #1, some men might suggest she should stop listening to her older female friends who are out of touch with the reality of modern times senior dating. Women pay nothing?
Regarding sentence #2, that her friends who have that attitude come from an era 25-40 years ago, that they can’t relate to dating in their 60s.
Let me tell you how quickly attitudes can change when people from that era suddenly lose their loved one. I speak from experience. I never dreamed that I’d have to relate to dating at my age. I was three years older than Greta and assumed I would pass before her. And suddenly, she was gone. I had to relate to dating in my 80s and no, I wasn’t about to pay for everything.
However, if I initiated the first date, I would pay for everything. Even if I didn’t initiate it. And probably the first few dates.
Regarding sentence #3, if those women lost their husbands, they would never go down the dating path again. Let me tell those women, that after sitting home night after night and being lonely, they might change their tune. Maybe they would go down the dating path again. Of course, if they did, they would have to change their thinking and not be so anti-men.
So, what about senior singles who find a new mate? Who pays what? How is that decided? Through open and honest communication, love for each other, and fairness considered, each couple will develop their guidelines for sharing expenses. A person who is more well off than their partner, and who can do it financially, will often help the partner they care about with the partner’s finances.
However, one thing is certain, neither person will likely pay 100 percent of the expenses.
Will there be occasions when the men will pay more? Of course. And where a woman will pay more. Yes.
My eBook, “Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?” is available on www.Smashwords.com. Just type in my name in the search box and all the eBooks that I’ve published will appear. The cost for the Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date is $2.39. It can be read online or downloaded to your device.
Smashwords was recently acquired by Draft2digital.com so you may have to go draft2digital.com to purchase the book. Here are the links to both sites.
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