July 2023 – On Life and Love after 50

Senior relationships and money

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 29, 2023

By Tom Blake – senior dating expert

Money issues in senior relationships

Today we have the main event and then Part 2, which will put a smile on your face.

I begin today’s eNewsletter with a big welcome to 61 new Champs who subscribed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Never, in 29 years of writing about senior dating after 50, have I had more than three people subscribe in one day. So, what the heck happened?

I was mentioned on NPR’s Morning Edition broadcast Tuesday. The segment was about the new ABC TV show, “The Golden Bachelor.” Actually, I was disappointed because my pre-recorded interview from last week lasted 15 minutes. But I was only on Tuesday’s show for less than a minute. I quickly understood when film editors say unwanted film ends up on the film editing floor.

And even though my comments were brief, I am thrilled to have 63 (and probably more signs ups yesterday) new Champs receive this eNewsletter. Welcome to our new women and men Champs. The link to the NPR two-minute segment is included at the end of today’s eNewsletter.

The most difficult challenge to writing this week’s eNewsletter was to decide which topic to write about, based on what women Champs said in their responses to last week’s tale-of-woe by Jack. That eNewsletter can be viewed on my Finding Love After 50.com website.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/blog

By the way, there are more than 400 of my most recent columns on that website. Last week’s story about Jack is the first one you will see when going there.

My what-to-write-about decision boiled down to this: Either (1) The importance of money in senior relationships or (2) Why seniors bail out of relationships. Granted, the two issues are often intertwined, but there was such a wealth of information from Champs that I will devote a separate weekly article on each topic.

Hence, some of you Champs who voiced intelligent and insightful comments about both money in senior relationships and seniors who get dumped may appear two weeks in a row.

5 Senior women air their opinions on money in senior relationships

I decided to focus today on the importance of money in senior relationships. Here’s what five women Champs emailed. (these comments were edited for clarity and space by me)

Marie, “Having read your eNewsletters for a long time, I have noticed a common thread: the topic of money is often interwoven in complaints from seniors when relationships sour.

“In Jack’s case last week, it’s not clear if he is more devastated by his relationship ending, or that he invested what he thinks is a lot of money in the relationship? Nor does he seem to consider that his woman, despite all the money he spent on her, was clearly not satisfied with the relationship after spending 15 years with him.

“Your newsletter title might be more appropriately called ‘On Life, Love and Money,’ because money makes a regular appearance.”

Tom’s reply to Marie. “Yes, you are right about the eNewsletter’s title. But I probably won’t rename it to ‘On Life, Love and Money.’ But we’ll use that as buzzwords in a few future articles.”

Patty, “You know you were going to get a Champ riled up by last week’s article and the hair on the back of my neck made me reply!

“Women also can be well educated and have very successful careers, be financially very well independent, and every guy that approaches her sooner or later looks at her as his social security extra benefit financially.

“I’ve had guys that barely know me declare we can live in my house during the winter and his house in the summer. Not even caring what I want…

“They want you to pay for more than they do…and can happily turn away or look at their phone when the check comes.

“This money thing goes both ways. Maybe women learned the game earlier out of necessity, but there are an equal number of men that weren’t as successful as the woman they are with.

Men also take advantage of financially successful women.

Tom’s reply to Patty: Wow, Patty, you were riled up. Your comments about money in relationships are pretty strong, but nothing like your comments about Jack being dumped, which we’ll include next week. But, please, please, not every guy looks at women as their social security extra benefit financially or looks at his phone when the check comes or takes advantage of financially successful women.

“By the way, my house is pleasant in both the summer and winter. I bet you have a beautiful as well. So, you see, you can have a choice of what months you’d prefer to be at my house and me at your house. What will it be?” Of course, Patty, I’m only joking. I’m guessing our homes are within 10 miles of each other’s.

Sandy, “Even if Jack PAID for everything – does that mean that his live-in woman made no contributions to the household? I rather doubt it.

“Of course, if they had married, this would have been sorted out if they dissolved the marriage. Since he did not want marriage – he is out the money.

“Pre-nuptial agreements happen before getting married or living together. She wanted to get married – the time for the pre-nup was BEFORE getting married or living together.

“Parity in a relationship is not represented solely by money. Men like to play this card, but money does not buy you a relationship nor does it make a house a home. There will always be disparities in income – this is part of the risk of having any relationship.

“My husband and I are Champs. He is (9) years older than I am and we have been together for ten years. When we met, we both had homes, successful careers, and one unsuccessful marriage for each of us. On our first date, I understood that he was financially more successful than I was. He had also lost his previous longstanding girlfriend to cancer.

“On our 2nd and 3rd dates, I was compelled to let him know that we were not in financially equitable positions because I did not own my home free and clear yet, I shared my salary and my pension balance. In addition, I shared that I had cancer surgery 18 months prior because no one should have to lose someone twice to cancer.

“This was very hard for me to do – the cancer part – but I told him I would understand if he did not want to take that risk. The financial part – well – that’s a good example of the income disparity that can exist between equally successful men and women in different fields.”

Elenute, “Yes, we’ve all been through the mill, as one says. ‘Jack’s’ story reminds me of some elements of my own:

“Mine was also for almost ten years. My ‘life partner’ and I bought a house together. Unlike ‘Jack,’ we had a financial arrangement that I found very workable: We shared the mortgage, utilities, etc., but kept our bank accounts otherwise separate.”

Sylvia: “The financial situation is a shoulder shrug. We don’t see or believe what the future could hold. The world has become a difficult place to navigate. There are potential pitfalls at every step. I have become content with my family, work and hobbies and have stopped searching for the one man to be in my life.”

Tom’s comment to Sylvia: “Well, at least you currently have no financial issues with a relationship. And although you have ceased looking for a man, you never know who might unexpectedly come along. And you will be prepared how to plan the financial arrangement.”

The comments from the above five women about money were just the tip of the iceberg. But that’s enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm our 25 new Champs. Here’s the link to the NPR interview:

https://www.npr.org/2023/07/25/1189901929/what-does-dating-look-like-after-50 2:07

Part 2 – The importance of social interaction

It’s a small world

One of the themes we often mention in these eNewsletters is the importance of seniors getting out of the house and interacting socially with people. And that’s not solely to meet a mate. It’s proven that social interaction is good for our health.

So, this past Monday, a friend and I went to the Laguna Beach Festival of Arts to listen to a Motown-era band. We, along with lots of other people, were dancing among the tables and having a great time. We shared the extra seats at our table with four lovely people from Armenia.

Another couple was seated nearby and smiled at us as we danced. As the concert was winding down, he asked, “Are you Tom Blake?”

I said “Yes.”

Then he said, “You and I worked together 40 years ago.”

“Where?” I replied.

“In Oakland. You and I worked for the Oakland Invaders of the United States Football League (USFL) in March and April 1983, the league’s inaugural year. You were the marketing/sales guy who got people to purchase game tickets.”

I was taken aback. How could anybody remember what I did so long ago? I could barely remember the USFL.

Then, he said, “Our boss was Tad Taube, the millionaire team owner.”

I said, “What did you do for the Invaders?”

He replied, “I was the punter on the team.”

I was dumbstruck. We shook hands. “I’m Stan Talley, and this is my wife, Cynthia.” Cynthia and my friend Margo had been chatting and already had become pals.

Turns out that Stan and Cythia live in Niguel Shores in Dana Point, a mile from me.

This little story shows the importance of social interaction for seniors. We just never know who we are going to meet.

The above photo is of Tom’s official 1983 USFL football, autographed by several Oakland Invader players and coaches. The signatures are faded so I can’t tell if Stan Talley’s signature is on it or not. I will show it to him when I get together with Stand and Cynthia sometime soon.

Ignoring senior relationship warning signals

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 21, 2023

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

By Columnist Tom Blake

Shame on the Moon

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

(Note from Tom: the photo above is Tom negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement for two seniors thinking of getting married. It’s a joke of course.)

A man we’ll call Jack emailed this week: “Tom, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and thought I’d share another episode in the senior arena of relationships.

“I’m 73 and a well-educated guy with a doctorate after a 45-year successful career. About 12 years ago (at age 61) I met a very attractive woman, 15 years younger, in my same profession. We fell in love quickly.

“After a year of dating, we decided to move in together, on the condition as she said, “We should be getting married or engaged before moving in together.” Signal #1.

“I/we bought a townhome on the premise we would marry and then we moved in together. Her name went on the title based on the prospect of marrying, per my attorney and hers. Signal #2. (Senior dating – moving in together)

“We continued to live together for the next 10 years, traveling, dining out, and enjoying life. We attempted to prepare a pre-nuptial agreement but could not come to terms. Signal #3.

Our relationship was mostly peaceful and intertwined but with challenging personalities. I paid 100% of everything over a 10-year period. Signal #4 (in senior dating who pays?)

It was not a perfect relationship. I’ve taken responsibility for what I contributed to the challenges along the way. I won’t go into the messy details.

“I became seriously ill in December 2022, requiring a week hospital stay. Two weeks after the hospital release, my companion announced she had purchased a condo elsewhere and was moving out in a month. Final Signal.

  “I was devastated and fell into all the grief stages at once. I felt the worst pain ever. It’s now been six months; lawyers are involved with trying to have her name removed from the deed so I can move on. It’s getting messy. I’m an unmarried man (thankfully) but feel like a divorced man.

“I’ve been in therapy to understand what happened and why it happened, and to better know myself. Therapy has been a grateful help and I’m getting better with time. My former companion has a new partner, but how long it has been going on I don’t know. I was loyal.

“What I’ll pass along from what I’ve learned…and I’m still learning…. Do not take your partner for granted. Express your love continuously. Think straight about the legal ramifications of relationships and protect yourself.

“Take personal responsibility for your errors and apologize in a way that enables your partner to feel your remorse. As Ted Lasso said, your gut and your heart are closely aligned … trust your gut while listening to your heart.”

Tom’s comments

Thankfully, Jack found a good therapist to help him through his difficult time of grieving. Therapists can be very helpful in a time of need. In a way, Jack’s situation sounds eerily like my third marriage. It ended differently but in a similar way.

It’s easy for me and Champs to find fault in Jack’s behavior. He should have done this, he should have done that, etc., So, I don’t want to rant on him or make him feel worse than he already does. But I must say this:

1 Moving in together was ok for Jack, but not under the premise of getting married. And putting her on the title was unwise.

For me, after wife number three (also 15 years younger) and I had been married for two years and she was not on the title, she lobbied for us to move to a new home about a half mile away, “To be closer to the beach,” is how she put it, but now I think it was also to be put on the title.

I bought a new home and foolishly put her on the title, thinking we were in the marriage together for the long haul. The mortgage interest rate was around 13 percent.

I didn’t pay for everything in our marriage, but probably 80%.

2 Why did Jack pay 100 percent for everything for 10 years? Ridiculous. Perhaps that was the price of being with a woman 15 years younger. Maybe she had planned that all along. He was foolish for allowing that arrangement.

3 Jack said his relationship wasn’t perfect. None are. Don’t go into any relationship thinking it will be perfect. He didn’t explain the “messy” details.

4 Jack says to express your love to her continuously; he seems to think she might not have bailed out on him if he had. Regardless of how he treated her, and how much love he expressed, she would have bailed anyway. He said he was loyal, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.

5 When adversity hit in the form of his illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.

A similar situation happened to me in my third marriage. In the early 1990s, when a recession hit Southern California, I told my wife we needed to tighten our financial belt. I didn’t realize it, but I believe she decided at that very moment to start planning her exit.

Less than two years later, at Christmas time, I went to Northern California to visit my 83-year-old mom. My wife and her two boys didn’t want to go with me, which was okay with me as I enjoyed alone time with Mom and my sisters and brother-in-law.

That was the opening my wife had waited for. On Christmas Eve, 1993, she and her two boys cleaned out the house, taking what furniture and belongings they wanted, and moved out of my life. There was no warning, no notice, just a sneaky clean-out.

Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce. In my opinion, she felt she had squeezed every drop of dinero out of me and it was time for her to seek greener pastures.

Having her on title cost me a bundle of bucks in the divorce settlement. She used me, just as Jack’s woman used him. Both Jack and I allowed that to happen. Shame on us, but hindsight is always easier. Of course, this reminds me of Bob Seger’s song, “Shame on the Moon.” See the link below.

5 Because Jack’s companion bailed, he’s suffering enormous grief. Most of us who have lost mates, in one way or another—spouses, mates, animals, friends–understand the pain of Jack’s grief. Perhaps he was kidding himself all along that she loved and cared for him.

It’s still painful for him. Hopefully, that therapist will get him aimed in the right direction.

A pre-move-in agreement should have been prepared and signed.

Since he paid for everything, why did he also put her on the title? Good luck to Jack with getting her name off the document.

Let’s hope Jack has learned to think with his brain and not just with his heart. And me too.

Link to Bob Seger’s “Shame on the Moon.”

Shame on the Moon by Bob Seger

Conflicted over senior dating. Still Fence-Sitting

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
July 14, 2023
A Champ is Conflicted about Senior Dating By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1 – Conflicted. Still Fence-Sitting

Champ Candace emailed this week, “I’ve followed your eNewsletter for many years, took a short break when I got remarried at age 60. Let’s just say, that was a mistake. My husband did a full 360 once we were married. Even my adult children said the man I divorced was not the same man I married. Lesson learned.

“I doubt I’ll ever get married again. My first marriage lasted 18 years and gave me two incredible children and now four fantastic grandchildren.

“I find so many ways to keep busy–reading, cooking, sewing, and quilting. I make a lot of items to gift to friends and donate. Quilting to donate makes me happy and saves my sanity. I do enjoy going out to dinner or to a movie with friends. LOVE to dance but haven’t found a dance partner that only wants to dance. Ha!

“Is there something wrong with me for not wanting a relationship at this stage of my life? Have I been soured on romance by past relationships? It’s a lot of work to sift through all the online profiles and figure out who’s truthful and who isn’t. I don’t have the drive or energy to do that again.

“I see older couples, walking hand in hand, looking very happy, which would be very nice. I never thought I’d be 68 and alone. Give me a pep talk, or tell me I’m ok, just the way I am. Feeling very conflicted.”

Tom’s Response: “Thanks for writing. You are fine the way you are–IF YOU ARE TRULY HAPPY.

“However, I think you are asking for my opinion for a reason. You’d like to find love again. Let me know your thoughts about that.

“Keeping busy as you are doing is important. However, should you start dating, you might need to tweak your schedule to free up some time to make yourself more available to spend time with a new partner. Not all the time, but enough time to enjoy each other.

“What does a dance partner only mean? Sounds like you don’t want a physical relationship. Is that true? Many older men still want a physical relationship, along with the friend aspect. And some women do as well. If you want ‘friends only,’ some men will pass on dating you because they want intimacy.

“Yes, online dating and senior dating is work, but for some people, who end up meeting a mate, the effort is worth it.

“Have you soured on romance because of your past experiences? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a new love that might please you and warm your heart.

“At 68, you are young. You have lots of life to live. Don’t simply fret about it, wondering what to do. Start slowly, with simple networking. It doesn’t have to be a big agonizing decision. Tell your friends and family members you’d like to start dating. Ask them if they know of any single guys who might enjoy meeting you.

“Marriage. Some seniors, many actually, do not want to marry again; I sure don’t. People can have a rewarding relationship without marriage. My partner Greta and I were not married and yet enjoyed 25 incredible years together. Both of us had been married three times before.

“Older couples walking together holding hands. You say that would be nice. Doing that is within your grasp, it will take time and energy to be out and about, and maybe even online.”

Candace, “Tom, thanks for the response. You’ve given me food for thought. Think I’m sitting on the fence right now. I’ll mull your thoughts and reply again soon. Here’s what I know for sure:

“Marriage – No thanks. I like having my own space to retreat to. Plus doing all the legal name change items is a real hassle. Nope.

“I’m financially comfortable, don’t need anyone to support me.

“So, finding someone to be a companion for going out to various functions would be lovely.

“If, there could be a spark, who knows where that could lead? I’m still fence-sitting!”

Candace has promised that she’ll keep us informed of her decision. We need to help her get off the fence.

Part 2 – Tom’s Interview with Gary Scott Thomas

Back in March, I was interviewed for about 45 minutes by a former well-known Country and Western DJ–Gary Scott Thomas. I mentioned it in the eNewsletter in March but it didn’t air until this past Wednesday.

Gary wanted me to talk about my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” And about my working with Johnny Cash for a couple of years. And then a bit about my writing on the senior dating topic.

It’s strictly a verbal interview, there is no video, which I discovered later when I learned that my desktop computer does not have a camera on it (no wonder it was so cheap to purchase). Had I been on my laptop, there would have been video and audio.

In case any Champs are interested in listening to 48 minutes or so of me talking about my past, while not getting bored, or falling asleep, you can click on this link. https://garyscottthomas.com/tom-blake/ Be sure you start the interview at minute 2:19. Again, I apologize there is no video.

Tom’s interview with Gary Scott Thomas

Senior love only comes along occasionally

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 7, 2023

By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

Senior love only comes along occasionally

Last week, we wrote about Betsy, who was concerned that if she started dating a friend, and it didn’t work out, she would lose him as a friend. I suggested she take a chance on love. Here’s what 12 Champs wrote.

Christine, “I love your advice to Besty! Her concerns are real and could certainly hold her back from a possible fuller relationship with her current friend. I liked that he was ‘bold’ to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. And I hope she truly believes your suggestions. And if they both act like adults–if it doesn’t work out–they could become even better friends. And who knows? They could end up finding their Chapter Two.”

Naomi, “Re: Betsy’s dilemma with a possible romance. Be very, very careful, and very clear. Have that discussion with him and have it several times. He may just be willing to move forward with you because he misses someone else, and the relationship may not be what either of you wants.

“I’ve dated in the dorm, and at the workplace, and it wasn’t only awkward afterward, in one event it was so upsetting I was looking out for him around every corner. If you address the issue over the course of many conversations, not only are you getting to know him better, but all sorts of unrevealed agendas will come up. Do not jump into this. Friends first (as you already seem to be) and strengthen that.”

Thryza, “I am still in the Philippines, this time I am in Manila, visiting my sister.

Our school reunion was a reunion for all times. As the culmination of the event, we chartered a yacht to cruise the sea of Cebu.

“Sadly, one of our batch mates who was on dialysis came to two events but died four days later. At a formal dinner, she was dressed to the nines. We complimented her for her indomitable spirit to attend our reunion.

“We all complimented her for the way she showed up, looking jovial. Little did we know that was the last time we would see her. It just goes to show that at our age, it’s important to say nice things to each other because it could be our last goodbye. She sat across from me, and although I didn’t know her well, I told her how great she looked. She smiled back. I won’t forget that smile for a long time.

“With regards to “Goochi,” I just thought you were making fun of the brand. Oh well, you took the spelling correction comments kindly.

“Weather here in Manila is a daily supply of rain. After being here seven years ago, Cebu, where our reunion was, took a turn for the better. I was impressed.

“Manila’s traffic is the worst but so many resort hotels have been built along the boulevard facing Manila Bay. One hotel is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. It rivals that of the Venetian. My nephew is interested in taking me to tour the new hotels. I would rather go to the hills and enjoy nature and the many restaurants that are more inspired by farm-to-table cuisine.”

Elenute, “What if she likes him but doesn’t feel she’d like to do more than cuddle? Do you think she should still pursue the connection with him?”

Tom’s response: “Yes, Betsy should pursue a discussion with him. Also, she gave no indication that she’d only want to cuddle. That was merely Elenute thinking out loud. If Betsy only wanted to cuddle, I’d say forget pursuing him because she’s already got the friendship aspect with him.”

Stephanie, “I think your advice to Betsy is spot on. On a personal note, my maternal grandmother, a widow, moved to a retirement community in her early 70s. She went to many activities there. One was the senior chorus of which she became a member.

“She met a nice man there, about 10 years older, and they moved in together. However, my mother told me the couple ‘had to get married’ (this was in the early 1970s) because there was so much gossip about them being ‘shacked up’ lol. My grandmother stayed happily married to the man till she died at age 84 (he survived her at 95). So good luck to Betsy!”

Carolyn, “This eNewsletter really packed a punch. I’m so happy that you spoke from your heart to Betsy.

“I loved the way you spelled “Goochi.”

“I hope that Betsy listens to your 100% spot-on advice. This gentleman sounds like the real deal, so she needs to hop on his bandwagon as soon as possible. Sounds like a beautiful relationship in the making!

Laurie Jo, “I hope that the woman who is hesitant at starting a relationship with the gentleman who was married for 55 years will take a leap of faith and ‘take a chance.”

“I don’t know if you like country music but there’s a Lady Antebellum song, “If I Knew Then,” with words “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d fall in love. Love only comes occasionally.’ I really identify with it.

“Go for it.”

My buddy, Jim, said, “In the recent newsletter, about the lady who wasn’t sure about going out with the neighbor because she wasn’t sure how she would feel if it didn’t work out, I felt you took that one on nicely.

“You made her realize that it’s a short life and what does she have to lose? By not going out with him, she could lose this guy and he’s close by, convenient and easy and he likes her (the lean-in and her interest was a cool way to show he liked her).”

Anonymous, “I recently had a similar situation with a friend who is about 12 years younger than me, and we have known each other for 10 years through a sports club that we both belong to.

“We have always had a strong friendship with a lot of physical attraction. However, we chose to go separate ways because of differing lifestyles. We will continue to be friends and want only the best for each other.

“I agree with your advice to Betsy and hope she will not miss this opportunity to have great love.”

Linda,” Betsy needs to think about this. if this guy is looking for someone to love and Betsy isn’t receptive, he will look for someone else. Men want intimacy and let’s face it a lot of women don’t. I think those women use that as an excuse to just be friends. She shouldn’t be concerned about what others think in her community unless she has a dance card with lots of names on it.”

Marjie, “I enjoyed reading your blog about ABBA as I was in Stockholm in March, and we visited the ABBA museum. Initially my boyfriend (I am dating my old college boyfriend again after 46 years apart and we are in a long-distance relationship (Washington and Southern CA) did not want to see the museum, lucky for me it was near the VASA museum!

“At first, he said he would sit outside while I went in, but when we got there, he changed his mind and enjoyed himself. It was much more extensive and interesting and just FUN than we expected and quickly became a highlight of our trip!

“As to your column today about the fear of dating, I agree with you. At this age, I think we just need to go for it. We know tomorrow is not guaranteed. She needs to talk it over with her friend. They both sound like nice people who can keep it civil and honest.”

Marcie seeks advice

Marcie, “Lots of good advice for Betsy from Tom. Betsy needs to follow her heart and decide. Be bold. Let him know how you feel and go at it with an open mind. If romance doesn’t work, the ‘nice friendship’ will survive. It would be wonderful to have friendship and romance, but we cannot have it all… can we?

“I have known my current man for 23 yrs. I was married when I met him. Now divorced for 17yrs, I am single and solo. But this man is a good person and secure financially and we have lots of common interests.

“Our romance did not last however our friendship is still going strong. We travel together, we go dancing, and we’re out and about doing our things. Lots of laughter and good times. He says to let him know when I start dating but he makes it so comfortable for me. Any advice?”

Tom: “So, it’s the romance that’s missing? I assume you don’t live together. What is it you want? When you travel together, do you sleep in the same bed, but just no action? I bet 95 percent of our men readers want romance to be a part of their senior relationship.

“It sounds like if you start dating, he will bail out. And if you start dating, you may not find a romantic partner and he may back off anyway, then you would be solo and alone.

“Marcie, your arrangement is like Betsy’s situation, but different. Tell us what you want with your relationship with him. And then follow your wishes.”

Take A Chance On Me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

June 30, 2023

Take a Chance On Me

A Woman’s Fear of Dating a Friend

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.

“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.

“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.

“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.

I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.

“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.

“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.

“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.

“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.

“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.

Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’

“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’
“I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.

“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”

Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?

“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.

“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.

“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.

“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.

“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”

“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”

Isn’t senior dating fun?

A response to last week’s eNewsletter

Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.

“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.

“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).

Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.

“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.

“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”

That’s it for this week. It’s Gucci signing off.

Link to Abba’s Take A Chance On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0