| On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 23, 2023 Two widowers share their thoughts By Columnist Tom Blake |
 A widower after 47 years of marriage and a Champ, Jim loves animals, which is why he owns 3 horses and a dog. He lives in Southern Orange County CA  Champ Tom and Widower Jim after breakfast at R.J.’s restaurant near Dana Point Harbor on June 21, 2023, talked about their senior dating challenges. |
| Two widowers share their wants It’s been a while still since my widower buddy Jim, 74, and I got together to update our thoughts on what we’ve learned from senior dating since we both put our toes into the senior dating pond. Jim and I have both had some contact with widows and divorcees over the last three months. At our breakfast meeting this past Wednesday. Jim said, “The first five minutes of contact of a first date tells you the most important items right away. Looks, attractiveness, chemistry, sex appeal, personality, humor, and financial well-being. “But you may find the person having all the right features only to find out that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you. So I find that I have to have a thick skin in this senior dating. I need to realize that there will be many rejections on their part as well as on my part until that right combination comes along, if ever. “But rushing into a relationship without doing your homework and some really serious dating and research and conversations and asking the important questions you’re better off by yourself for a while so you don’t make some serious mistakes. (I haven’t dated for 48 years). “Lists are important so we don’t waste precious time. We are at the last chapter in our lives and these decisions can be even more important than ever.” Here’s what Jim and I generally agreed upon at this week’s breakfast. Two widowers build a list Know yourself first. Make your own written list based on the personality traits a new partner must have. Keep your list simple and short, limited to five or six must-have items. We don’t like long lists because the longer your list, the more potential mates you eliminate from consideration. And, at age 70+, it’s already hard enough to find someone compatible. Here’s our simplified list of six must-have items. Tom and Jim’s List of Six Must-Have Characteristics in a Mate 1 A person of impeccable character. Meaning, someone who listens to what you say and is willing to compromise and be flexible. A person who is friendly, respectful, honest, pleasant, kind, has a nice smile and doesn’t criticize or put others down. Observe how the person speaks about his mother and father, children, and even an ex-spouse. How does he or she treat a waitress? Then visualize how the person will treat you. 2 There must be a mutual connection. You must like each other. Friends first. You must want to be together and plan a second or even a third date. A sense of humor is important. Also, each having a love of animals is a tie that binds. Jim owns a dog and three horses. (That is Jim pictured above). 3 Personal hygiene. Does he or she take good care of themselves? Is the person healthy and fit? Do they dress nicely (Goochi not required), wearing clean clothes. If you are a health nut, and he is a couch potato, it isn’t going to work. We’ve observed that senior women strive to take care of their health and fitness more than men. Not always, but usually. 4 Affectionate/romantic—If you relish being hugged, kissed, and having your hand held, your potential mate needs to want the same things and be romantic towards you. If there’s not that two-way chemistry/physical connection, there likely won’t be a relationship. It’s either there right off the bat, or not. Of course, you can always be “just friends,” and hopefully grow into the attraction, but neither Jim nor I are looking for that. 5 Availability. The person must be available to spend time with you. I’m not saying 24/7. You may be retired, with lots of free time. However, if the person you meet is still working or whose calendar is always full, often at night, you might end up being alone more than you want. And what about weekends? Does he or she spend time babysitting the grandkids or going away with friends? If there’s little time to be in a relationship, a relationship probably won’t work. What often happens is single seniors purposely keep busy. Social interaction is important and healthy. Jim and I have observed that particularly with women. However, to be available for a relationship, a person might need to tweak his or her social calendar. You wouldn’t want to miss a great relationship by being unavailable. This is one of the biggest issues in a senior relationship. It’s important to say that being together too much isn’t healthy either. No one wants to be smothered. And for us, no more marriage. Find a nice middle road with your partner and work it out. 6 Within a reasonable age difference. What’s an okay age difference? It could be five or ten years or even more. What’s important is you like and love each other, regardless of the age difference. Some people seem old at 50, others seem young at 80. It’s best to discuss the age difference with your potential partner right away, so it doesn’t cause a problem later. Remember, a younger person can get sick also. Many older people assume that they will be the first to pass away. And then his or her younger mate passes first. It happened to these two gentlemen. These are our top six must-have characteristics. Other items such as kids, religious and political differences, travel, and finances also need to be discussed. That’s where compromise comes in. Good luck meeting a new mate and working out the kinks. |
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