Tag: Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

Senior love only comes along occasionally

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 7, 2023

By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

 Senior love only comes along occasionally

Last week, we wrote about Betsy, who was concerned that if she started dating a friend, and it didn’t work out, she would lose him as a friend. I suggested she take a chance on love. Here’s what 12 Champs wrote.

Christine, “I love your advice to Besty! Her concerns are real and could certainly hold her back from a possible fuller relationship with her current friend. I liked that he was ‘bold’ to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. And I hope she truly believes your suggestions. And if they both act like adults–if it doesn’t work out–they could become even better friends. And who knows? They could end up finding their Chapter Two.”

Naomi, “Re: Betsy’s dilemma with a possible romance. Be very, very careful, and very clear. Have that discussion with him and have it several times. He may just be willing to move forward with you because he misses someone else, and the relationship may not be what either of you wants. 

“I’ve dated in the dorm, and at the workplace, and it wasn’t only awkward afterward, in one event it was so upsetting I was looking out for him around every corner. If you address the issue over the course of many conversations, not only are you getting to know him better, but all sorts of unrevealed agendas will come up. Do not jump into this. Friends first (as you already seem to be) and strengthen that.”

Thryza, “I am still in the Philippines, this time I am in Manila, visiting my sister.

Our school reunion was a reunion for all times. As the culmination of the event, we chartered a yacht to cruise the sea of Cebu. 

“Sadly, one of our batch mates who was on dialysis came to two events but died four days later. At a formal dinner, she was dressed to the nines. We complimented her for her indomitable spirit to attend our reunion.

“We all complimented her for the way she showed up, looking jovial. Little did we know that was the last time we would see her. It just goes to show that at our age, it’s important to say nice things to each other because it could be our last goodbye. She sat across from me, and although I didn’t know her well, I told her how great she looked. She smiled back. I won’t forget that smile for a long time.

“With regards to “Goochi,” I just thought you were making fun of the brand. Oh well, you took the spelling correction comments kindly.

“Weather here in Manila is a daily supply of rain. After being here seven years ago, Cebu, where our reunion was, took a turn for the better. I was impressed.

“Manila’s traffic is the worst but so many resort hotels have been built along the boulevard facing Manila Bay. One hotel is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. It rivals that of the Venetian. My nephew is interested in taking me to tour the new hotels. I would rather go to the hills and enjoy nature and the many restaurants that are more inspired by farm-to-table cuisine.”

Elenute, “What if she likes him but doesn’t feel she’d like to do more than cuddle? Do you think she should still pursue the connection with him?”

Tom’s response: “Yes, Betsy should pursue a discussion with him. Also, she gave no indication that she’d only want to cuddle. That was merely Elenute thinking out loud. If Betsy only wanted to cuddle, I’d say forget pursuing him because she’s already got the friendship aspect with him.”

Stephanie, “I think your advice to Betsy is spot on. On a personal note, my maternal grandmother, a widow, moved to a retirement community in her early 70s. She went to many activities there. One was the senior chorus of which she became a member. 

“She met a nice man there, about 10 years older, and they moved in together. However, my mother told me the couple ‘had to get married’ (this was in the early 1970s) because there was so much gossip about them being ‘shacked up’ lol. My grandmother stayed happily married to the man till she died at age 84 (he survived her at 95). So good luck to Betsy!”

Carolyn, “This eNewsletter really packed a punch. I’m so happy that you spoke from your heart to Betsy.

“I loved the way you spelled “Goochi.” 

“I hope that Betsy listens to your 100% spot-on advice. This gentleman sounds like the real deal, so she needs to hop on his bandwagon as soon as possible. Sounds like a beautiful relationship in the making!

Laurie Jo, “I hope that the woman who is hesitant at starting a relationship with the gentleman who was married for 55 years will take a leap of faith and ‘take a chance.” 

“I don’t know if you like country music but there’s a Lady Antebellum song, “If I Knew Then,” with words “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d fall in love. Love only comes occasionally.’ I really identify with it. 

“Go for it.” 

My buddy, Jim, said, “In the recent newsletter, about the lady who wasn’t sure about going out with the neighbor because she wasn’t sure how she would feel if it didn’t work out, I felt you took that one on nicely.

“You made her realize that it’s a short life and what does she have to lose? By not going out with him, she could lose this guy and he’s close by, convenient and easy and he likes her (the lean-in and her interest was a cool way to show he liked her).”

Anonymous, “I recently had a similar situation with a friend who is about 12 years younger than me, and we have known each other for 10 years through a sports club that we both belong to. 

“We have always had a strong friendship with a lot of physical attraction. However, we chose to go separate ways because of differing lifestyles. We will continue to be friends and want only the best for each other.

“I agree with your advice to Betsy and hope she will not miss this opportunity to have great love.”

Linda,” Betsy needs to think about this. if this guy is looking for someone to love and Betsy isn’t receptive, he will look for someone else. Men want intimacy and let’s face it a lot of women don’t. I think those women use that as an excuse to just be friends. She shouldn’t be concerned about what others think in her community unless she has a dance card with lots of names on it.”

Marjie, “I enjoyed reading your blog about ABBA as I was in Stockholm in March, and we visited the ABBA museum. Initially my boyfriend (I am dating my old college boyfriend again after 46 years apart and we are in a long-distance relationship (Washington and Southern CA) did not want to see the museum, lucky for me it was near the VASA museum!

“At first, he said he would sit outside while I went in, but when we got there, he changed his mind and enjoyed himself. It was much more extensive and interesting and just FUN than we expected and quickly became a highlight of our trip!

“As to your column today about the fear of dating, I agree with you. At this age, I think we just need to go for it. We know tomorrow is not guaranteed. She needs to talk it over with her friend. They both sound like nice people who can keep it civil and honest.”

Marcie seeks advice

Marcie, “Lots of good advice for Betsy from Tom. Betsy needs to follow her heart and decide. Be bold. Let him know how you feel and go at it with an open mind. If romance doesn’t work, the ‘nice friendship’ will survive. It would be wonderful to have friendship and romance, but we cannot have it all… can we?

“I have known my current man for 23 yrs. I was married when I met him. Now divorced for 17yrs, I am single and solo. But this man is a good person and secure financially and we have lots of common interests.

“Our romance did not last however our friendship is still going strong. We travel together, we go dancing, and we’re out and about doing our things. Lots of laughter and good times. He says to let him know when I start dating but he makes it so comfortable for me. Any advice?”

Tom: “So, it’s the romance that’s missing? I assume you don’t live together. What is it you want? When you travel together, do you sleep in the same bed, but just no action? I bet 95 percent of our men readers want romance to be a part of their senior relationship. 

“It sounds like if you start dating, he will bail out. And if you start dating, you may not find a romantic partner and he may back off anyway, then you would be solo and alone. 

“Marcie, your arrangement is like Betsy’s situation, but different. Tell us what you want with your relationship with him. And then follow your wishes.”

Keep ‘Em Flying

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

May 12, 2023

by Tom Blake – Senior dating columnist

 “Keep ‘Em Flying” Reflections from Tom

(above photo courtesy of Christy Fisher)

I’ve been writing senior-related eNewsletters for around 20 years. Many of you have been subscribers since then. Today’s is unusual. I am not seeking sympathy from you Champs. I simply had to get some thoughts off my chest.

The last six months have been a blurry, bumpy road for me. During that time since the passing of my life partner, Greta, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my life and realized it’s important for me to move forward, to seek health and happiness. I’ve concluded that I can’t sit back and hope those things will happen on their own. It’s up to me.

I can improve my chances of maintaining health and rebuilding happiness by reconstructing three things I’ve let slip somewhat during those six months. They are:

1 Career work – I sold my deli in 2016 after 25 years of making sandwiches, serving customers, and managing my staff. In giving those things up, I needed something to keep me busy and my mind active. I am blessed to have been a newspaper columnist for 28 years, and, at my age, to still be writing for nine printed newspapers – three in South Orange County, California.

The other six newspapers are monthly senior publications called 50plus Life in Pennsylvania.

My first article was published on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News, which at that time was owned by The Orange County Register, the nation’s 22nd-largest newspaper.

In 2013, I left the Register and switched to a small syndicate called Picket Fence Media which publishes three local newspapers—The Dana Point Times and San Clemente Times (weekly), and The Capistrano Dispatch (San Juan Capistrano (twice monthly).

My fifth printed book was published in 2022, titled, Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.

Plus, I write this eNewsletter that keeps me busy every week.

I plan to continue writing until the ink runs dry. Will I write another book? Not sure. However, writing keeps my brain working and gives me a weekly purpose and deadlines to meet.

2 Activities to work on – Three things fall under this category that keep me active and happy. The first is exercise, which includes Standup Paddle Boarding in nearby Dana Point Harbor. I aim for three to four times each week depending on the weather and other factors. SUP is good exercise for the entire body and helps with balance, so important for seniors.

I’ve also recently joined a tai chi class, held weekly on a hilltop overlooking Dana Point Harbor, taught by Ron, one of our incredible Champs.

My second project is working on my home in Monarch Beach. I purchased the home new in 1992 and am fortunate to still own it. There were times when things got tough such as the 2008 recession when I considered selling it just to squeak by financially.

But Greta insisted I not sell it and I am so grateful for her advice. With the home now 32 years old, there are always projects to keep me busy. This spring, because of all the rain, the weeds are out of control, and I am slowly removing them. I planted a rose bush in Greta’s honor on her birthday, May 9.

The third activity is a home that I was fortunate to acquire in Palm Springs five years ago. That home was built in the 1970s so there are always maintenance projects out there that keep me busy. A big plus, it’s only a two-hour drive in each direction. A few of our Champs live in the Coachella Valley, where Palm Springs is located.

3. Relationships – I was beyond blessed to have a special relationship with Greta for 25 years. Having her in my life made me happy and I believe kept me healthy. Greta passed away last October 29. While I will miss her forever, I feel having a mate in my life may bring me some degree of happiness. At my age, I don’t have time to wait for even a year to start searching. So, I’ve decided to be proactive in finding a mate. I’m forcing myself to get off the couch and out of the house as much as possible.

I also felt that joining two online dating sites would improve my chances of meeting someone and it gives me a ray of hope that has been missing since Greta passed. Greta told me repeatedly before she passed that she wanted me to spend my final years with a mate. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.

So, I believe pursuing the three categories listed above will help bring me happiness.

5 Simple Phrases

Plus, during these last six months, I have taped to my computer screen these five simple phrases by which to live. They are gentle reminders to me of what’s important in my life.

“Let It Be” – Of course, those words are from the 1970 Beatles song of the same name. When the road gets tough, I try to remind myself of these three words. It has eased the recent stress.

“Don’t Overthink it!” – Sometimes I say to myself, “Should I or should I not?” For example, should I send a message to a potential mate or should I play it cool? Then I remind myself to just follow my heart and not worry about it. Or, at Costco, I think, “Should I purchase that pair of sunglasses for $25 that would give me a nice backup pair.” I say out loud, “Tom, don’t overthink it.”

“Keep ‘Em Flying” On April 15, 2023, I was at an outdoor arts and craft fair in Demuth Park in Palm Springs. I was walking past a booth where a family of six were gathered observing the artwork of a man named Kevin Sullivan. I heard Kevin say to the family, “Each one of you pick a number between one and 20.” And he looked at me, although I was just walking by, and said, “You pick a number also.” I had no idea what was going on. For some reason, I blurted out “17.” A few seconds later, Kevin said, “You won.”

I had won a painting of his called “Keep ‘Em Flying,” of a cartoon character like Snoopy flying an antique airplane. I posted it on my wall at the Palm Springs house. I interpreted that to mean that even though I had lost Greta five months before, I needed to keep on moving forward, in other words, to “Keep ‘Em Flying” and not give up living.

“Are you okay?” I read an article on how to deal with people who are being nasty, argumentative, negative, or combative: disarm them without violence or arguing. The article suggested saying, “Are you okay?” It tosses the ball back into their court without confrontation. I think it’s wise for me to remember those words and use them when appropriate.

And finally, “It doesn’t matter.” I say this when things may not be going as planned or hoped for. They ease stress. It’s a reminder that there are more important things in life than minor mishaps. The words help keep me on the happiness road.

Thanks for listening, Champs, and for letting me vent. I did a lot of reflecting on my life this past week as Greta’s family and I, about 30 of us, held Greta’s celebration of life on Catalina Island on Saturday, May 6. Why did we wait for so long? Because Greta’s birthday was May 9, she wanted the ceremony out there. All four of her children were born there.

I felt blessed to have my two sisters, Christine and Pam, and Pam’s husband, Bob, go with me for support to Catalina Island.

Also, while not attending Greta’s celebration of life, my neighbors, Coleen and Alex, and other neighbors, Kresta and Jake, were on Catalina celebrating Coleen’s and Alex’s wedding anniversary on that day. The four of them went out of their way to meet my sisters and Bob for 30 minutes before we left to attend Greta’s celebration. Having these seven people supporting me lifted me up and made me happy.

And then, after we had scattered Geta’s ashes from a private boat, I received a text from one of our Palm Springs’ Champ’s daughters that her dad had passed away. It was totally unexpected. I had known him for 30 years. Wow, sort of a double whammy on a double-whammy day. I thought to myself: “Keep ‘Em Flying.”

I had plenty of time to reflect on life during that May 6 ferry boat trip from Avalon back to Dana Point (an hour and a half). The notes I jotted down on the boat became the basis for this week’s eNewsletter, which I began writing on May 9 (Greta’s birthday).

Send me some positive stories for future eNewsletters. We all need to “Keep ‘Em Flying.”