Plenty of Fish – On Life and Love after 50

Which online dating site is best for seniors?

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 19, 2021

by Columnist Thomas P Blake

Which online dating site is best for seniors?

During the pandemic, most single seniors didn’t interact face-to-face with people, so many of them decided to give online dating a try. Several were frustrated with the experience. Some seniors don’t internet date at all. Connie emailed me about the difficulty she’s had when trying to meet men. She wrote, “I have never been on an online dating site. I prefer the old-fashioned way (of meeting men).”

I assume what Connie’s “old-fashioned way” term means to her is networking through friends and/or going to public places where she might by chance meet a guy.

I’ve often been asked by seniors, “Which online dating site is right for me?”

Take Ellen for example. She wrote: “I am a widow, 66, and recently retired. So, I’m starting a new chapter in my life. When I think of the future and see myself alone for the rest of my life, that makes me feel sad. However, when I look at my life today, I am happy–busy with kids, grandkids, hobbies, and church.

“I tried online dating for a few years. Tried them all: eHarmony, Plenty of Fish (POF), Catholic Match, Senior Dating, and OurTime. I met some nice people, but nothing clicked.“More times than not when I emailed someone, I never got a response. After a while, it just wasn’t worth the work anymore, and Internet dating is a lot of work. I keep my options open, but I figure at this stage I am pretty well done with online looking. But I am certainly open if I meet someone in person.”

I’m not an Internet dating expert. After all, I’ve been with Greta for 24 years and have never been on an Internet dating site. So, how do I advise women like Ellen to find the right dating site?

I turn to an expert dating and relationship coach I’ve known for 20+ years, who is also a Champ. Her name is Christine Baumgartner; she lives in Orange County, California, and calls her business “The Perfect Catch.” She helps clients all over the United States, not just in the OC.

Recently, Christine posted comments on Facebook under the title, “Which Internet dating site is ‘the best’ one?” I felt what Christine wrote was so informative for single senior daters that I chose to share some of her highlights in this week’s eNewsletter.

When Christine is asked by a client which dating site is the best one, her reply is, “This may surprise you, They’re generally all the same.”

But she points out that certain sites have a particular focus such as religious beliefs or sites that cater to a variety of age groups, including sites for seniors.
Christine said, “In reality, the outcome of a person’s online dating experience or your own experience often has more to do with some of the following…

“Your attitude toward yourself, the opposite sex, and dating in general. In particular, many people tend to struggle if they have negative opinions about the opposite sex (due to past dating experiences).”

“Profile content and photos. Many of us are tempted to lie about our age or touch up our pictures.” She stresses that singles should be honest with what they post.

“Persistence. Some people give up quickly when dating doesn’t turn out to be what they were looking for.” Christine recommends people adopt a stick-with-it attitude.

Christine concluded, “I have clients who have met their significant others on dating sites after we worked on these things together. I’ve found that it’s usually not the site causing a person to not find the right date…it’s the person not using the site to that person’s best advantage.”

If I were single and trying to figure out how best to meet someone, I’d contact Christine. She’s a widow and has walked the walk. Not to mention that she is one of the nicest human beings one will ever meet. No wonder she does so well at helping senior singles who are struggling to find their way. Here is Christine’s picture:

Christine’s email is christine@theperfect catch.com and her website is www.ThePerfectCatch.com

Contact her, you’ll be pleased that you did.

Age is just a number

Age is just a number
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
June 18, 2021
by Tom Blake columnist

(The article today has been edited for length and clarity)

Senior dating at 80+ Marjorie & Hans – Love across the pond

Marjorie, 87, (photo above on left) emailed this week about her senior long-distance romance with a man from Amsterdam, “My motto: be interested and interesting. My passion is traveling and enjoying the visual arts.

“My Amsterdam relationship began in 1998 when my engineer companion and I did a house exchange with Hans and his wife, who lived in Amsterdam.
“Hans’s wife died in 2014. He came to California in 2015. We took a trip together and discovered we were meant to travel together. We have crossed the Atlantic six times traveling in Europe and the USA.

The pandemic has limited us to daily Skypes. Will we travel again at our age? I’m not sure. Hans is 84.” The photo of us above was taken in my 90-year-old artist friend’s home (she is in the middle).

More on senior love

Two weeks ago, the June 4 eNewsletter featured three independent women, Paula, Kathy, and Leslie. Champ Art, Margate, Florida, commented about each woman’s situation.

But first, a reminder about Paula, age 75, who moves to a new city every two years or so, and renovates homes, and then flips them. We included a picture of her two Bassett Hounds in that June 4 issue. Paula said, “The only way I can do what I do is to be single.”

Art said, “It’s interesting that Paula has not grown roots, and still has that wanderlust feeling about herself. I’m 82 and find meeting (potential mates) very easy, but I would not want to become interested in a woman who has not found a man to call a keeper or a place to call home by the time she is 75.

And Art said this about Kathy: “Her issue, being allergic to most animals, could never work for me. I love animals and have two cats at home.”

Regarding Leslie, age 80, who met her fiance four years ago, Art said, “I congratulate Leslie on her engagement. Her independence is a trait I admire if not carried too far. Leslie has found her way to thrive in a singles world.”

Art added, “When my wife passed in 2007 I thought that I would never know love again, but by learning how to use POF (Plenty of Fish) and putting a lot of thought into my writing, I have been blessed beyond my expectations.

“I am currently dating a 79-year-old woman who lives about a half-hour from my house. We are both vegetarians, both of us love live theater, and we each find the other attractive and fun to be with.”

Even more on senior love

One of our Champs is Tammy La Gorce, the New York Times “Weddings” columnist. This week Tammy shared a column she wrote about two 95-year-olds who just got married.

She thought I’d like the last two sentences from her article, which are quoted below:
“Nobody starts life at 95,” Ms. Morrow-Nulton said. “But we did.”

“I’m not lonely anymore,” Mr. Shults said. Better still, “I don’t think we’ll get sick of each other.”

Here is a link to Tammy’s story:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/07/style/wedding-bells-for-two-95-year-olds.html?smid=tw-share

P.S. You may be asked to subscribe to the Times’s online edition, for a very reasonable rate.

Part 2 – Champ Larry on Lake Michigan

Grand Haven Sunset Larry — Larry and his daughter on Lake Michigan during sunset

Grand Haven Lake Michigan Sunset – June 2021

Last year, Champ Larry, (above, with his daughter a week ago), contacted me, saying he would be in the Dana Point area and asked if we could meet for lunch. He mentioned that he was retired, single, widowed, living in Florida, and spent summers in a beach city on Lake Michigan.

Having grown up in Michigan, I asked, “Where in Michigan?”
Larry said, “Grand Haven.” I was amazed. I told him that my mom had grown up in Grand Haven and our family had rented a cottage there for a month during several different summers.

“What was your mom’s maiden name?” Larry asked.

“Frances Pardee.”

Larry said, “I knew a man named George Pardee. He hired me for my first job in Grand Haven. He worked for the Peerless Novelty Company.”

I was even more amazed. George Pardee was my uncle. Turns out, Larry was the City Manager of Grand Haven for years, before moving to Florida where he was a City Manager in a beach city there. He and my uncle became good friends.

Larry and I met for lunch and found we had even more in common.
Two weeks ago, he was visiting South Orange County again (his daughter lives here) and we met for coffee for a couple of hours. So, Larry is another Champ who has become a special friend.

Is he single? Well, yes, but let’s put it this way. He seems to have met some nice potential mates in Florida. I’m certain he will keep me posted on what happens in that regard.

Thanks to Larry for sending the photo. I encourage other Champs to do the same thing, along with some biographical information.

Should we go? (on a road trip)

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 25, 2020

by Tom Blake Columnist

Part One – Should We Go?

It seems that every time my partner Greta and I plan a trip, situations arise beforehand that make us ask: “Should we go?”

In 2004, we planned a train trip from Madrid to other cities in Spain. A couple of weeks before our scheduled departure, terrorists bombed Madrid’s Atocha Train Station. The bomb was detonated on the tracks from which our train was scheduled to depart.

In a column, I asked Champs: “Should Greta and I go on this trip?” Champs responded with a resounding “Yes! If you cancel, you let the terrorists win.”

Greta and I decided to go. However, we canceled our train reservations and rented a car instead. Navigating hundreds of confusing roundabouts likely made driving more dangerous than taking the train.

This year, we canceled an 82-day roundtrip cruise that was departing in October from Ft. Lauderdale. The ship’s itinerary included crossing the Atlantic Ocean, navigating the Suez Canal and the Red Sea, and circumventing the coast of Africa and back to Florida.

You’re probably thinking: “COVID-19 must have forced you to cancel.”

But that wasn’t the reason. We canceled before the pandemic arrived. We decided against going because a 737-passenger airliner was shot down with a missile over Iran in January 2020.

Our thinking was: Tensions in the Middle East are heating up again. Our itinerary takes us into the Middle East. If a commercial airliner can be shot down, what’s to stop some crazies from shooting a missile into a cruise ship with the words “Holland America” emblazoned on the smokestack? In addition, the itinerary was taking us through places where pirates had attacked ships recently.

As it turns out, Holland America canceled the cruise a few weeks later due to the pandemic.

We still had a yen to travel. In February this year, we made reservations to take the train to Seattle for a week beginning March 9 to visit relatives. In early March, when COVID-19 first surfaced in the USA, Seattle was the initial hot spot in America.

We wondered “Should we go?” We thought that being on a train for 33 hours going to a pandemic hot spot was not a good idea. We canceled.

Last month, the pandemic seemed to be easing somewhat. We had a one-week timeshare to use before the timeshare expired in October. So, we booked a resort in the Napa Valley wine country for September 20 to 27.

Our plan was to drive from Dana Point up the 5 Freeway, stop a night at Harris Ranch, and then on to Napa. On the return trip, we planned to spend a night at the Davenport Roadhouse (a few miles north of Santa Cruz), which is owned by friends of ours. And other friends were going to join us for dinner at the Roadhouse. And yet we wondered: “Should we go?”

Of course, we knew we’d have to be careful with the still-active pandemic. To avoid public restroom stops along the way, we purchased a portable camping toilet that fits on the backseat floor in our CRV. We even tested sitting on it in the car. We were ready to roll.

Tom and Greta’s personal travel aid

I promised Greta if the portable was necessary to use along the way, I’d even pull over and stop the car. We wanted no backseat tumbles or mishaps while the car was moving!

And then in late August, the heatwaves hit California. We thought, “What happens if our car breaks down? Maybe we should rent a car? If a rental car broke down, the rental company would provide a replacement.” But, with the pandemic, we didn’t want to drive a car that other people had recently driven.

The heat meant we’d likely be inside in air conditioning most of the time.

And then the fires hit California. The two places we were going, Napa and Santa Cruz, were, where the second and third-largest fires, respectively, in California history were burning. The friends we were meeting for dinner in Davenport lost their home to fire. Plus, their son lost his home and my buddy’s sister lost her home. The air quality in both places was dangerous.

On September 7, California closed several national forests due to new fires. Who could forecast what September 20 would bring fire-wise? Would we have to worry about heat, fires, and air quality? Again we asked: “Should we go?”

All these considerations kept nagging at us. We thought: “For now, we should just stay home. Why chance it?”

We decided South Orange County is a good place to quarantine. I do my Stand-Up Paddle Boarding in Dana Point Harbor, and Greta will do water aerobics when the pool where she swims re-opens.

So, we opted not to go, at least not now.

Oh, does anyone need a portable camping toilet that’s never been used for a cheap price? I suppose we could have a yard sale.

Tom’s comment: After this eNewsletter was published, one of Tom’s readers, aka Champs, offered to purchase the portable potty. But, Tom’s partner Greta didn’t want to sell it after all, saying sometime in the future they might use it.

Part 2 – Comments from Champs – Liars, losers and lunatics

Jim – Humor columnist for Desert Exposure Magazine (www.desertexposure.com):

“Regarding the term,”breadcrumbed.” It could have applied to my first marriage. I gave her bread; she gave me crumbs.”

Arlene – “How ironic you mentioned POF (the free dating site, Plenty of Fish). I’ve been on it for years, to no avail. Lots of liars, losers, and lunatics. Currently, a man in Beverly Hills (iffy if he’s from there) contacted me. He says he’s a yacht-designer. OK. Yesterday, he left for Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, and the oil fields (?). He says he’s from Spain and is calling me ‘mi amour,’ etc.

“I have never met this man and am amused by his stories. I guess it’s a diversion more than anything that could make me hope it’s a possible match.

“My feelings are that we are not puppies. Time is of the essence in finding someone. I hate being alone; no kids or family here. I am unable to get a pet due to regulations where I live. Wasting time I abhor. Yet, here I sit alone at 67. Covid has halted my dancing and club activities. ZZZZZ”

Tom’s response to Arlene:

Of course, the man you met on POF (the yacht designer) is most likely a scammer. What is a yacht designer doing in the Alaskan oil fields–doesn’t track? And the Beverly Hills aspect sounds bogus also. Don’t believe him. That’s the M.O. of a scammer.

Sometimes these guys send a token gift that makes gullible senior women believe the guy is for real. Some women end up losing a lot of money. Please, please, don’t buy into it.

Woman, 60, says, “I won’t settle!” But she already has – for 4 years

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 10, 2020

By Columnist Tom Blake

“I won’t settle,” a senior single woman says, but she already has – for four years

Stacy wrote, “Have any Champs ever mentioned that they don’t understand the relationship they are in and don’t know how to accurately describe it? I feel that way.

“I am 60, a senior single woman, successful in my career, have three grown children, take care of myself, own my home, and repeatedly have been told I am attractive.

“After 26 years of marriage, I divorced my husband in 2014. In 2015, I met, Bob, a wonderful man on Plenty of Fish (POF). We live 50-60 minutes by car away from each other. We instantly hit it off. We share many similar characteristics, likes and dislikes, temperaments, values, and life priorities. I knew early on that he was a man of integrity and quality.

“When we met, Bob had been divorced 13 years after a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage but hadn’t healed from the scars. While I was happy and feeling hopeful about our future, Bob always held back.

“During the first two years of dating, Bob broke up with me twice. I was devastated the first time; we reconciled after a week. The second time, I was hurt and confused but each day became easier. We reconciled after three months. We have been dating each other for two years since.

“Bob has always told me he didn’t want to remarry and that I should date others because he knew I wanted a lifetime partner.

“I won’t ask him questions if I don’t think I’d like the answers, fearing they likely would be hurtful and might cause the relationship to end.”

“We continue to spend most weekends together. Plus, we call and email during the week. We both are busy in our work. Right before our third anniversary, I had an uneasy feeling after an evening phone call with him. He sounded vague, suspicious. I checked his POF profile and yes, he was looking for other women to date.

“I was so upset, at 10:45 p.m., I drove an hour to his house. I confronted him about his profile. He was reassuring, saying it didn’t mean anything, he just liked reading profiles, and that no one ever contacted him. I wanted to believe him, but it took a lot of soul-searching and determination to try again. I asked him to take down his profile and be exclusive. He agreed.

“Now, into our fourth summer, and with the COVID-19 virus making seeing each other more difficult, we have had and continue to have our ups and downs. We spend as much time as we can together, but we both took extended vacations to visit family and have been apart quite a lot.

“Last week, I began to wonder if I should resume dating other men. He seems content with our situation. However, he is unwilling to involve himself emotionally. He keeps up a guard, a wall.

“He does not allow himself to be put in vulnerable situations. He goes to great lengths to avoid confrontation. And yet, I can see love in his eyes and in his smile. However, he has never told me in four years that he loves me.

“I saw an ad on Our Time and decided to look at it. Guess what I found? A profile that matched Bob’s 100%! No picture or words this time, I’m guessing he doesn’t want to pay. I cannot tell you how hurt I have been. I didn’t mention it this past weekend because I don’t want him to know I know.

“I went online this evening and he had been active within one hour of me leaving him. I don’t see how he would have time to meet and date women. I think he is just reading the profiles as a hobby.

“I stay with him because I cannot imagine any other person making me as happy as Bob makes me. It doesn’t matter what we do, we have fun and enjoy being together. We finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. He is smart, funny, clever, and kind. He is very easy-going and accepting of others.

“I want him to stop looking at dating profiles! I’d settle (bold face and italics entered by Tom) for some kind reassurances and travel plans. Bob needs to find a more appropriate hobby.

“I would appreciate your opinion.”

Tom’s answer to Stacy

“Stacy, I’m trying to be respectful and diplomatic. However, it’s probably not what you want to hear.

‘You are part of the problem with Bob. In the second to last paragraph, you said, “I’d settle for…” You already have settled. You have settled for four years of not being told he loves you. You have settled because you are afraid that the truth will be painful. You are afraid if you rock Bob’s boat, you will be alone, possibly forever.

“For two people to succeed as a couple, there must be open, honest communication. You don’t have that with him because of your fear.

“You have settled by thinking his studying online profiles of other women is just a hobby and you are not facing the reality that he is looking for another woman who will make him happier. A man of ‘integrity and quality,’ as you referred to him, does not do that.

“You have settled for him telling you to date others, while not knowing if he has or is dating because you fear knowing the truth.

“You see love in his eyes and his smile. But, his actions don’t connect with love. This is a man who hasn’t healed 17 years after his divorce. Bob is not going to change,

You need to:

1. Identify what you want from this relationship

2. Open communications and get the cards on the table, not just about his “online hobby,” but about all things important

3. Be prepared to be on your own because that’s likely going to happen

4. Find self-esteem and courage

5. Stop settling

If you don’t do these things, you will be stuck in the same rut you’ve been in for the last four years.

Your situation reminds me of the title of my favorite Robert Earl Keen, Jr. song, “The road goes on forever” (and the party never ends.)

The party never ends at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point (prepared and delivered 600 sack lunches in 2013)

Link to “The Road Goes On Forever (and the party never ends): You can click on “skip ad” when the video first appears.

Senior Online dating sites

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – May 22, 2020 – Senior Online dating sites and a fun Part 2

by Columnist Tom Blake

For single seniors seeking a mate, online dating has been almost their only dating option during these stay-at-home times. Over the last couple of months, I have received many questions from singles asking what dating sites would be best for them.

Beware of scammers!

Take Sheri, for example. She said: “I lost my husband three years ago and tried Match.com. There were a lot of scammers on the site and most men lied about their age. Can you recommend a senior dating site that is better than the others?”

Last week, the eNewsletter featured Judy, who said she couldn’t find local men to date. (Local as in living near her, not local as in crazy). She wondered how to meet men up to her level.

Her comments prompted me to ask our Champs to share their experiences and recommendations for online dating.
The first four responses came from men.

John said, “Here’s a serious suggestion for women having difficulty finding men through online dating: In your profile, put in what you can bring to the table. Women’s profiles typically include what they want, and what they don’t want, but not what they can offer. That’s a mistake.

“Judy made that mistake in her letter to you. She told you what she wants, what she likes, and what she doesn’t want, but no information as to what she can bring to a relationship. To put it more bluntly, this is the gist of many complaints by women about online dating “This is what I want, I’m fabulous, so why aren’t I getting the attention I DESERVE?”

Bruce wrote, “I met my wife on eHarmony, a very professional and reliable site but it does cost money to join. I would recommend eHarmony; it’s not just a hook-up type-of-site.”

Harvey shared, “I’m 73, looking for a college-educated woman, 65-75, to be my life partner from here to the end. I use Zoosk and have been quite pleased with the women I’ve met there. OurTime also has been good. I also checked out Elite Singles and Match, neither of which worked for me.”

Art said, “I have been on and off POF (Plenty of Fish) for 12 years, and back on since March. I am searching for a woman in her 70s, living within a half-hour drive of my house. I am talking with six women and plan to meet them for lunch when this quarantine is over.

Women responded as well.

Jeanne said, “I went on OurTime in 2015, seeking men in their late 60s or early 70s. I dated several nice men, one of whom has become my live-in partner.

“A person needs a lot of patience to go through the online process of looking, responding and meeting! So many men post old or blurry pictures of themselves. But online dating can be worth the hassle.

“I was happy living on my own, but since I am not a bar person and not much of a church-goer, I realized I had to do what I term the big cocktail party in the cloud because my chance of meeting single men was limited. It’s nice to be in social-distancing-mode with a significant other!”

Thyrza stated, “Although this pandemic has limited the options of finding love, there are many dating websites from which to choose. While hibernating at home, a person has more time to browse those sites.

“My guy friend suggested that women should go to those websites with no expectations of meeting Mr. Right, rather to look at it as entertainment, especially during this time.

“I did not expect much from online dating. I say give it your best shot, enjoy the process and you may just find that someone. I did.”

Carol emailed, “I’m an active 77. I’ve tried many dating sites, including paying for a three-day trial with SilverSingles, a Germany-based company. Many men are not within realistic driving locations. The three-day trial did not warrant paying for a full membership.

“Plenty of Fish, and OKCupid are free sites. Many want personal information immediately like your phone number, or email address so they can ‘chat.’

“I don’t care how many compatibility tests they give you. Those tests don’t guarantee that a person hasn’t made up answers, or, would be a compatible partner.”

One Champ, Arlene, didn’t let the COVID-19 “Stay-at-home” policy stop her from meeting face-to-face with a man on a first date. She emailed, “I had an ‘encounter’ on Saturday afternoon. I think we were both brave to even try this.

“We met at an outside table/chairs. He had on a mask and gloves. I did not. We were five feet apart. By the end of the encounter, he had pulled his mask down so I could see his bleached teeth (I love white teeth). While an articulate professional, he was probably not my type although I liked speaking with him for two hours.

“He bought us yogurt as that was all that was open nearby. He even walked me to the car!

“So, it is possible to meet during these times. But, it takes bravery and determination. There was no indication, from either of us, of a desire for a second date.”

My suggestions to senior singles: Prior to spending money to join an online dating site, check and compare several sites. Do research. Read the reviews. Check costs. Do they focus on seniors? I read Zoosk is for younger people, not seniors. Beware of scammers. There are scammers on every site, not just on Match.com, so trust your instincts. Be very careful. POF and OKCupid are free sites.

There are companies such as Online4.love.com, which evaluate and compare online dating sites. While that company’s information seems helpful, keep in mind that it and similar sites make money when people click on links from them to the specific dating sites.

I do think what John suggested, to include in your profile what you can bring to the table, is a strong, positive, and “serious suggestion,” as he called it. Both men and women should do that.

Good luck with online dating. Thanks for the comments. As things open up, let us know how meeting-in-person dates evolve, and how wanting to have a hug is handled.

Part 2 – There’s an actor among us

Did you know that one of our Champs was a movie actor in his past life? Probably not. Heck, I didn’t even know. However, you are likely aware of him, because he’s been featured in previous eNewsletters several times.

Chris Anastasio, and his now-wife Tina, are the couple who had the longest-duration, greatest-distance, long-distance relationship of which I’ve ever known. How about, 13 years and 5,419 miles? You’ll remember them from their picture at their wedding in February, 2017.

Tina and Chris after their wedding February 15, 2017

And we mentioned them when they celebrated this past New Years’ Eve on a cruise ship in Dubai.

This week, Tina sent an with this subject: “Chris is famous—at last!”

Tina wrote: “Chris received an email from a policeman in New York who is head of a Jaws Movie Fan Club! They have been corresponding for a few weeks and a package arrived today containing dozens of photos for him to sign!

“As you can imagine, he is thrilled that after so many years, people want his autograph on photos from that movie! I’m married to a famous actor!”

She included this photo of Chris from his movie days.

Chris is the only actor to appear in both Jaws, and The Godfather

Chris emailed later, after he learned Tina had sent me the information: “I’m surprised Tina sent that to you. Pretty exciting. If you mention that in the eNewsletter, I will forward it to the Jaws fan club in NY.”

Get forwarding it, Chris; I simply had to mention that to our Champs.

Oh, and there’s just one more tidbit about this inspirational couple. Chris is 86; Tina 79. They are amazing and we’re damned lucky to have them as Champs.

Senior Online Dating – Plenty of Fish

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 18, 2019

Part One -Senior Online Dating – Plenty of Fish – The good and the ugly

by Columnist Tom Blake

The Good about Plenty of Fish

Champ Cheryl, “I just read the 10 responses to the Brooklyn widow who has given up on dating. I thought all the responses/suggestions were valuable, especially Ginny’s.

I’ve written you previously about the success that my partner, Matt, and I had with online dating and just wanted to comment briefly again. It continues to surprise me that so many seniors report being unsuccessful and/or intimidated, that is, afraid of online dating.

“It seemed the main thread running through the 10 comments was the idea that you have to ‘put yourself out there’ in order to be successful finding a partner, and that is certainly true of online dating.

“It’s also true that to be successful, one must be willing to be open and honest about oneself and what he or she wants in a relationship.

“I found when I approached online dating it was important for me to actively think/decide what qualities were important/crucial to me in looking for a partner.

“And during the process of exploring online dating, I also was able to ‘fine-tune’ what my essential needs were and what issues were not as important. That’s not to say that it’s ok to be really ‘picky’–that doesn’t work either.

“Is it important that his favorite color is red and mine is blue? Of course not. The structure of the online dating site is really important. Matt and I met on OK Cupid, where there were literally thousands of questions that could be answered, covering every imaginable subject with the ability to add comments to every answer.

“By the time Matt and I started communicating, he had answered over 400 questions and I had answered over 600, and both of us had added comments to nearly all our answers.

“We both were honest with our answers and willing to answer some questions that might be considered intimate or personal, especially about sex.

“With online dating one must be brave, open, and honest. If you are, online dating can work.

“Getting involved with local activities can work as well, I’m sure, but sometimes there are either limited opportunities (I was living in a rural area of Ohio; Matt was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan—600 miles away) or maybe all the opportunities have been explored without success.

“Yes, there are scammers online, but one can be deceived by someone locally as well, and when you meet someone locally, you have no idea initially who he or she truly is, unless someone you know, knows them. There are risks meeting someone locally as well as with online dating.

“Again, I would encourage seniors to get involved with online dating but with a site that provides ample opportunities to get to know someone very well before meeting in person. And there is always the option of doing background checks, which I did a couple of times.

“Matt and I are a wonderful match and found love with each other, which neither of us would have found without online dating.

“I like the comment Champ Jim made last week: Sometimes you have to ‘make your own luck.’ Very true!”

Obviously, Cheryl and Matt put a great deal of effort into meeting each other online. And that’s what successful senior dating—online and otherwise–usually requires. A willingness to put forth an effort. It can take time, money, patience, and a bit of luck.

For some seniors, online dating may be the only option remaining to meet a potential mate. It can work. There are endless success stories, such as Cheryl’s and Matt’s.

However, there can be an ugly side to online dating. Here’s an example:

An Ugly POF story

A Champ wrote: “I’ve been on POF for over 10 years. Here is my POF encounter, 10 days duration, Oct 4-14, in a chopped, quickie, writing format:

“UBER driver, 70, who lives nearby, was from a town near where I’m from back East.
favorite saying, “anyhowzers”
talked 100 mph non-stop, wound too tight
invited him to a dance
went to his friend’s party
went to pool 2 times
did “Taco Tuesday”
Went to a Halloween party, he brought his own bourbon and drank it ALL! (hic)
expected me do drive then; I could not as I had forgotten my glasses
danced at a nearby bar to 70s oldies
he played grab-ass with me on the dance floor!
Went to city to see art galleries,
he only put 24 minutes on meter to walk around, had to rush back to meter to put more $ in (duh)
Drove past galleries, straight to another bar, another beer.

I don’t drink anything except sparkling water at a bar
He ordered one snack plate and split it with me! (cheap, cheap, cheap)
Told me off on way home
End of POF encounter.”

Comments from Tom

Online dating isn’t for all seniors. Plus, there are potential downsides, as described above, to senior online dating: fake profiles, fake sites, romance scammers lurking, trying to take advantage of vulnerable, lonely, people and their emotions. And, there are endless other issues.

Before you sign up for any site, read what the one-star and two-star reviewers write. Even reviews can be bogus. Use only established regular dating sites such as OK Cupid, Our Time, Match, Eharmony, to name just a few. People use these sites for seeking friendship, a pen pal, or a long-term relationship.

Avoid what are known as “Hook up” sites. “Hook up sites” are pretty much for sex only,

Other places to meet men

A suggestion from an animal lover: Get a dog. Besides the health benefits of exercise when walking your dog, you meet other neighborhood dog-lovers. Even better, get an unusual looking dog. That may bring other people over to talk to you. Take your dog to a dog park.

Champ Mark added, “About an hour after reading last week’s column, Donna and I had breakfast at the Strawberry Farms golf course in Irvine. Seated on the patio in front of the driving range, I couldn’t help but notice the ratio of men-to-women was about 25-1.”

Add golf driving ranges as places where more men than woman can be found.

Finding a mate with similar interests at age 70

March 22, 2019 – Random thoughts on finding a mate with similar interests at age 70

by Columnist Tom Blake

There are two parts to this week’s On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter

Part One – This week, Champ Stella emailed, “Tom, finding love after 50 was easy! We were still young enough to do/look/feel decades younger. How about an update on dating after 70? That’s where the problems seem to appear…”

When I read Stella’s comment, I decided to include a few recent, random, thoughts from Champs on an aspect of dating after 70: Are similar interests critical when seeking a mate?

Art – Florida

“When women have too many litmus tests before even meeting a man, it stands to reason that they are dateless. I have met many women on POF (Plenty of Fish) over a long period of time, meeting at least 25 to 30 of them for lunch or coffee. I have dated Christian women, and Jewish women, and women of no religious affiliation, and formed relationships with at least a dozen of them.

“Six years ago, I met a woman on POF who was Jewish, and I’m Christian, and we have been in an exclusive relationship since our first meeting. She accompanies me to church on Christmas Eve, while I attend church alone every week. We have no conflict with this situation, and I have been invited to Jewish holiday celebrations at one of her children’s home.

“She knows that I vote conservative, while she votes to suit her own choices. Neither of us tries to influence the other, and we enjoy so many other things, such as live theater, travel and dining out, that politics plays no role at all in our lives.

“I suggest that both women and men look for people with similar interests, however, to be open to exploring new interests too. There is a whole world out there, and to try to fit a person into a pigeon hole without even meeting them can only be self-defeating.”

Bruce – Ohio

“People have to decide if not being with someone who doesn’t fit all their criteria is more important than just trying to find someone who they can just relate to and get to know and enjoy life with, regardless of their ability to meet the other person’s requirements.”

Curtis – Wisconsin
“A tender touch, a gentle caress, a warm embrace. It’s said a baby can die if not held and touched. Older people need the same–to feel as if someone cares.”

Mary Ann – California

“People don’t realize that even for folks age 30 and 40 it’s hard to find a quality date, let alone for people over 70.

“At 70, there are fewer men in the single world compared to the number of women. Also, when men get used to their routines, living alone, they don’t believe in marriage or a monogamous new relationship in their life.

“They are getting smarter and have already learned from life that a marriage or close relationship at this age would not be a good investment.

“Women are more emotional and still believe in romantic relationships no matter their age. Most keep looking for Mr. Right, until the end of their lives. At the same time women also are changing. They don’t compromise as they used to do in their young age when the hormones were there.

“To build trust and get comfortable with a stranger takes a long time. We don’t have a long time. My advice to women searching for mates: relax and let happen if it’s God’s will.

“Focus on interests like water color painting or book clubs or whatever makes you relax. I love the attitude of the lady from your article three weeks ago who relocated to Florida and enjoys her freedom being single.

“To people who already have somebody in their life, no matter if it is Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, keep what you have. At our age, you may have already caught the last senior dating train. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to think about all the issues in later age and for helping us get wiser.”

Part 2 – Question: I’m curious if any of our Champs have installed Apple TV, the Amazon Fire Stick, or Roku, or any other device that can be used on your TV in lieu of cable TV providers. I’d like to hear of your experiences and opinions. Any negatives? Simply hit reply and email your comments with your geographical location. We may do a future column about these devices that can potentially save large amounts of money.

Roku Express remote and box

Ghosting – a senior dating term

September 14, 2018

Ghosting – a senior dating term

Every time I think I’ve heard it all about senior dating, something new comes up.

Rabecca, age 70, emailed: “Have you ever written about ‘ghosting?’”

I said, “What the heck is ghosting?”

Rabecca said, “It’s a term used in dating.”

She sent me links to a few articles on ghosting. While reading the material, I was surprised that in 24 years of writing, I had never heard the term. The Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as: “The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Some articles suggested that ghosting is prevalent among Millennials, ages 24 to 38, and even some Generation Xers, ages 39 to 53. Rabecca said it happens to seniors as well.

Although I wasn’t familiar with the term, I had been “ghosted” before, there just wasn’t a term for it in 1993, when my wife of six years left with no notice or explanation and shut down all communication.

Millennials often get ghosted on dating sites like Tinder where conversations often end without explanation. When that happens, there’s no first date. They hit delete and move on to the next online dater.

Psychology Today published an article by Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, on November 27, 2015 on the effects of “ghosting” (see link at end of today’s eNewsletter).

Rabecca said, “It’s more prevalent in senior dating than you realize. Let’s say you have a first date with someone you met online or via a friend and there’s just no connection–chemistry if you will—with one or both people on the date.

If the man has no interest, what does he say at the end of the date? ‘I’ll call you,’ when he won’t? No.

More likely, he might say, ‘I had a nice time. Thank you.’ And leave it at that. And he never contacts you again. That’s an example of ghosting.”

I thought about the ghosting term. It’s usually done by men, since women usually don’t phone men for dates.

Let’s say the woman would like to go out again. But he goes silent. She thinks, maybe he’ll call. But he never does. How does that make her feel? Likely terrible. She wonders, why didn’t he like me? Why doesn’t he want another date? Am I not romance worthy?

Ghosting. Why did he go silent? Why didn’t he call me?
(photo by Tom. Can you guess who and where?)

And she probably wonders, “Why couldn’t he just have been honest? And have told me he didn’t think we were a match. That would have been the honorable and courteous thing to do.”

Why didn’t he do that? It’s awkward, almost a bit presumptuous on his part–that she even cares. She might have been insulted had he said something. Instead, he disappeared, like a ghost. To him, it seemed the lesser of two evils.

Years ago, my nephew, Derek, a Generation Xer, in Dallas, coined a dating term: “Shun Mode.” Derek explained that you implement this strategy when you like a woman, but she’s indifferent to you. You just cease communication, hoping the silent treatment sends her a message that she doesn’t realize what she is missing. You hope it works and she’ll move you up on the priority list. Then, you start communicating again.

I guess you could classify “Shun Mode” as a subset of “Ghosting,” since it’s a lack of communication, albeit for the opposite purpose vs. ghosting: you want to be with the person you are shunning.

Dating website Plenty of Fish did a user survey that revealed that 78% of its users had been ghosted at least one time.

I’d like to hear what our Champs have to say about “ghosting.” Has it happened to you? How often? How does it make you feel? Is it wrong? Inconsiderate? Or, just the comfortable way out?

And for you “ghosters,” why did you do it? Why not simply say, “I’m sorry, we’re not a match.” Or even, “It’s not you, I’m just a dork and not worthy of you.”

If you’ve been ghosted, remind yourself that it was better to find out he wasn’t the kind of person you’d want to be with anyway—and you’re far better off in the long run for not investing time with him. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your love worthiness.

It’s just a method in these more self-centered times.

Psychology Today link to ghosting article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much