 On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter New Monthly Feature April 4, 2025 As promised, I am implementing a new monthly feature to the eNewsletter. The photo above is of therapist Debbie Sirkin, taken by me in Dana Point Harbor in 2025. Your comments about the new feature will be appreciated by me and by Debbie Ask The Therapist – Volume One By Champ Debbie Sirkin Sex isn’t just for the young, but also for the young at heart Recently, I have received many questions regarding “senior sex,” and I would like to address them. There is so much to say on this topic that it could fill volumes of the eNewsletter. Since Tom limits the number of words I can use, let’s begin by getting down to basics. Here are some of the questions I have been asked recently: Please give us your definition of sex. How does sex look over the age span? At what age do people stop having sex? How often should I expect to have sex as I get older? To begin, I need to differentiate between intercourse and sex, as well as intimacy and sex. The word “sex” alone refers to one’s biological characteristics—male or female. Adding the word “having” changes the meaning to refer to a sexual act, though not necessarily intercourse. “Intimacy” may include sexual activity, but it can also mean sharing personal or private matters with someone you trust. Intimacy fosters closeness, and since communication is key in all relationships, using precise language can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. For example, when a 15-year-old client tells me that all their friends are “having sex,” I ask them to clarify. They might say a friend “went to second or third base” (which amuses me because I didn’t think today’s kids still use those terms), or they might be referring to oral sex or intercourse. This presents an opportunity to discuss what “having sex” really means and how it varies for different people. Kissing, touching, and oral sex are all forms of sexual activity, but they are not necessarily intercourse. Understanding these distinctions is important when discussing sexuality. At What Age Do People Stop Having Sex? There is no set age at which people stop having sex. Many seniors enjoy their sexuality well into their 80s and beyond. Some of my former clients, now in their late 80s, have kept in touch and shared that their sex lives remain active. A fulfilling sex life contributes to overall health and well-being. Conversely, I have worked with couples in their 30s and older who have stopped having sex. Sexual activity varies greatly across individuals and life stages. How Does Sex Change Over a Lifetime? Sexual activity evolves due to various factors, including the arrival of children, Menopause (which can cause vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse), Erectile dysfunction (ED), illness in one partner or within the family, changes in financial circumstances or employment, divorce, or the death of a partner. Communication is crucial in navigating these changes. When couples fail to discuss shifts in their sex life, resentment and stress can build, further diminishing intimacy. Rather than “running away” from the conversation, it’s important to “run toward” it. While discussing sexual difficulties can be uncomfortable, avoiding the topic often leads to a nonexistent sex life. Men with ED may stop due to embarrassment, and women may shut down due to pain during intercourse. However, sexual activity does not have to end; it often just needs to evolve. Oral sex may sound gross to some seniors; however, it can be an effective and powerful way to overcome physical limitations. There are many ways to adapt, including medical treatments, therapy, and open discussions with partners. With the advent of ED medications, many men find their sex lives improved. Women, too, have options for addressing menopause-related changes. Consulting a medical professional can provide guidance on safe and effective treatments. Embracing Sexuality at Any Age. Our brain is our most powerful “sex organ.” Cultivating desire through anticipation, fantasy, and communication can enhance intimacy. Sending a flirty text, sharing a lingering touch, or planning time for closeness can build excitement. Sex does not have to be limited to the evening or the bedroom—be playful and creative. Regular, healthy sexual activity offers numerous benefits, including stress reduction, improved sleep, enhanced immunity, and deeper emotional connection. Some even consider it a form of exercise! Ultimately, sexuality is a personal journey. Define it on your terms and, above all, make it fun! I look forward to answering more of your questions in future eNewsletters! To contact me, email Tom, and he will forward your emails to me. Fondly, Debbie |
|
Skip to content
Since 1994, Tom Blake has been a newspaper columnist on the topic of finding love after 50
On Life and Love after 50 