On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
July 29, 2023
By Tom Blake – senior dating expert
Money issues in senior relationships
Today we have the main event and then Part 2, which will put a smile on your face.
I begin today’s eNewsletter with a big welcome to 61 new Champs who subscribed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Never, in 29 years of writing about senior dating after 50, have I had more than three people subscribe in one day. So, what the heck happened?
I was mentioned on NPR’s Morning Edition broadcast Tuesday. The segment was about the new ABC TV show, “The Golden Bachelor.” Actually, I was disappointed because my pre-recorded interview from last week lasted 15 minutes. But I was only on Tuesday’s show for less than a minute. I quickly understood when film editors say unwanted film ends up on the film editing floor.
And even though my comments were brief, I am thrilled to have 63 (and probably more signs ups yesterday) new Champs receive this eNewsletter. Welcome to our new women and men Champs. The link to the NPR two-minute segment is included at the end of today’s eNewsletter.
The most difficult challenge to writing this week’s eNewsletter was to decide which topic to write about, based on what women Champs said in their responses to last week’s tale-of-woe by Jack. That eNewsletter can be viewed on my Finding Love After 50.com website.
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/blog
By the way, there are more than 400 of my most recent columns on that website. Last week’s story about Jack is the first one you will see when going there.
My what-to-write-about decision boiled down to this: Either (1) The importance of money in senior relationships or (2) Why seniors bail out of relationships. Granted, the two issues are often intertwined, but there was such a wealth of information from Champs that I will devote a separate weekly article on each topic.
Hence, some of you Champs who voiced intelligent and insightful comments about both money in senior relationships and seniors who get dumped may appear two weeks in a row.
5 Senior women air their opinions on money in senior relationships
I decided to focus today on the importance of money in senior relationships. Here’s what five women Champs emailed. (these comments were edited for clarity and space by me)
Marie, “Having read your eNewsletters for a long time, I have noticed a common thread: the topic of money is often interwoven in complaints from seniors when relationships sour.
“In Jack’s case last week, it’s not clear if he is more devastated by his relationship ending, or that he invested what he thinks is a lot of money in the relationship? Nor does he seem to consider that his woman, despite all the money he spent on her, was clearly not satisfied with the relationship after spending 15 years with him.
“Your newsletter title might be more appropriately called ‘On Life, Love and Money,’ because money makes a regular appearance.”
Tom’s reply to Marie. “Yes, you are right about the eNewsletter’s title. But I probably won’t rename it to ‘On Life, Love and Money.’ But we’ll use that as buzzwords in a few future articles.”
Patty, “You know you were going to get a Champ riled up by last week’s article and the hair on the back of my neck made me reply!
“Women also can be well educated and have very successful careers, be financially very well independent, and every guy that approaches her sooner or later looks at her as his social security extra benefit financially.
“I’ve had guys that barely know me declare we can live in my house during the winter and his house in the summer. Not even caring what I want…
“They want you to pay for more than they do…and can happily turn away or look at their phone when the check comes.
“This money thing goes both ways. Maybe women learned the game earlier out of necessity, but there are an equal number of men that weren’t as successful as the woman they are with.
Men also take advantage of financially successful women.
Tom’s reply to Patty: Wow, Patty, you were riled up. Your comments about money in relationships are pretty strong, but nothing like your comments about Jack being dumped, which we’ll include next week. But, please, please, not every guy looks at women as their social security extra benefit financially or looks at his phone when the check comes or takes advantage of financially successful women.
“By the way, my house is pleasant in both the summer and winter. I bet you have a beautiful as well. So, you see, you can have a choice of what months you’d prefer to be at my house and me at your house. What will it be?” Of course, Patty, I’m only joking. I’m guessing our homes are within 10 miles of each other’s.
Sandy, “Even if Jack PAID for everything – does that mean that his live-in woman made no contributions to the household? I rather doubt it.
“Of course, if they had married, this would have been sorted out if they dissolved the marriage. Since he did not want marriage – he is out the money.
“Pre-nuptial agreements happen before getting married or living together. She wanted to get married – the time for the pre-nup was BEFORE getting married or living together.
“Parity in a relationship is not represented solely by money. Men like to play this card, but money does not buy you a relationship nor does it make a house a home. There will always be disparities in income – this is part of the risk of having any relationship.
“My husband and I are Champs. He is (9) years older than I am and we have been together for ten years. When we met, we both had homes, successful careers, and one unsuccessful marriage for each of us. On our first date, I understood that he was financially more successful than I was. He had also lost his previous longstanding girlfriend to cancer.
“On our 2nd and 3rd dates, I was compelled to let him know that we were not in financially equitable positions because I did not own my home free and clear yet, I shared my salary and my pension balance. In addition, I shared that I had cancer surgery 18 months prior because no one should have to lose someone twice to cancer.
“This was very hard for me to do – the cancer part – but I told him I would understand if he did not want to take that risk. The financial part – well – that’s a good example of the income disparity that can exist between equally successful men and women in different fields.”
Elenute, “Yes, we’ve all been through the mill, as one says. ‘Jack’s’ story reminds me of some elements of my own:
“Mine was also for almost ten years. My ‘life partner’ and I bought a house together. Unlike ‘Jack,’ we had a financial arrangement that I found very workable: We shared the mortgage, utilities, etc., but kept our bank accounts otherwise separate.”
Sylvia: “The financial situation is a shoulder shrug. We don’t see or believe what the future could hold. The world has become a difficult place to navigate. There are potential pitfalls at every step. I have become content with my family, work and hobbies and have stopped searching for the one man to be in my life.”
Tom’s comment to Sylvia: “Well, at least you currently have no financial issues with a relationship. And although you have ceased looking for a man, you never know who might unexpectedly come along. And you will be prepared how to plan the financial arrangement.”
The comments from the above five women about money were just the tip of the iceberg. But that’s enough for today. I don’t want to overwhelm our 25 new Champs. Here’s the link to the NPR interview:
https://www.npr.org/2023/07/25/1189901929/what-does-dating-look-like-after-50 2:07
Part 2 – The importance of social interaction
It’s a small world
One of the themes we often mention in these eNewsletters is the importance of seniors getting out of the house and interacting socially with people. And that’s not solely to meet a mate. It’s proven that social interaction is good for our health.
So, this past Monday, a friend and I went to the Laguna Beach Festival of Arts to listen to a Motown-era band. We, along with lots of other people, were dancing among the tables and having a great time. We shared the extra seats at our table with four lovely people from Armenia.
Another couple was seated nearby and smiled at us as we danced. As the concert was winding down, he asked, “Are you Tom Blake?”
I said “Yes.”
Then he said, “You and I worked together 40 years ago.”
“Where?” I replied.
“In Oakland. You and I worked for the Oakland Invaders of the United States Football League (USFL) in March and April 1983, the league’s inaugural year. You were the marketing/sales guy who got people to purchase game tickets.”
I was taken aback. How could anybody remember what I did so long ago? I could barely remember the USFL.
Then, he said, “Our boss was Tad Taube, the millionaire team owner.”
I said, “What did you do for the Invaders?”
He replied, “I was the punter on the team.”
I was dumbstruck. We shook hands. “I’m Stan Talley, and this is my wife, Cynthia.” Cynthia and my friend Margo had been chatting and already had become pals.
Turns out that Stan and Cythia live in Niguel Shores in Dana Point, a mile from me.
This little story shows the importance of social interaction for seniors. We just never know who we are going to meet.
The above photo is of Tom’s official 1983 USFL football, autographed by several Oakland Invader players and coaches. The signatures are faded so I can’t tell if Stan Talley’s signature is on it or not. I will show it to him when I get together with Stand and Cynthia sometime soon.
On Life and Love after 50 