On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 10, 2024
By Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake
Champ AD, 62, lives in Minnesota. She responded to last week’s LDR (long-distance relationship) article: “My life is all about an LDR and who pays for the date.
“In 1979, Garth and I met and spent a brief month together the year we graduated from high school. He was this cute CA guy, and I was a small-town waitress farm girl, on the Minnesota-Canadian border. He hopped back on the bus headed west, and that’s where our relationship ended; no internet or phones, and life went on.
“He married twice, but neither marriage lasted more than two years.
“I got married in Vegas, after a brief work relationship, when I was 25 and stayed married for 30 years. I felt awful for living the lie of being ‘in love,’ when I never was. Had I been treated better; I may have fallen in love. My ex-husband cared for me in every possible way he knew how, but he never got to know my heart.”
Reconnecting after 40 years
AD continued: “Shortly after my divorce in 2015, I joined Facebook. Garth, who had been looking for me for years, happened upon my profile when he found a comment I had made on my ex-sister-in-law’s page.
“The craziness of this all was in January 2018, when he messaged me, but I didn’t know what messenger was and didn’t see his message.
“Long story short, I went in for major surgery in Feb. 2018, to prevent a guaranteed and hereditary cancer of my pancreas, but due to complications, my one surgery turned into three. I was given a 5% chance of living and was put in hospice with two weeks to live.
“While my daughter was at my side, and in charge of my phone for the weeks in the ICU and the months in the hospital, she found Garth’s message.
“For whatever reason, it wasn’t my time to die, and I lived and woke up to a poem Garth wrote about our summer of 1979. I never forgot him; his poem gave me the hope and strength to fight and live.
“Forty+ years had gone by, and Garth happened to find me in my darkest hour and place. He reminded me of how he would have felt had he heard from my daughter that I had passed away when he’d been looking for me a long time.
“What I have taken away from those days and nights in that hospital bed, knowing that the time was coming soon when I wouldn’t open my eyes again, was how little every possession in my life meant, and what I would do if I lived.
“I wouldn’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart, or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’
A LDR began
“I met Garth in person after 40+ years apart, at a hotel in Redlands, California in June 2022. I was one nervous lady.
“I am 63 and Garth is 62. I am self-employed, and although I can work from anywhere, I have stayed close to Minnesota for my kids and family. Garth works on San Nicolas Island and doesn’t have the flexibility of working anywhere he chooses, he has no kids and a small family.”
Tom’s note: San Nicolas Island is one of the Channel Islands about 60 miles west of Los Angeles and 35 miles west of Catalina Island. It’s an uninhabited island except for a few workers at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station that is located there.
AD continued, “Garth remains in CA to care for his mother’s affairs until her passing. At that time. he plans to move to Minnesota.
“Next month we will have been in a relationship for two years. In July, I am driving to CA to be with him. I hope to spend the rest of the summer seeing how well we do on a full-time basis.
“The decision to leave my kids and grandkids, even for six weeks, is scary, but I would regret missing this opportunity. I feel it’s time.
“The most difficult challenge, for me, in any relationship at this age, is pleasing everyone. My daughters get protective and grandkids tear at my heart and it’s hard not to feel guilty about having a life. One of my biggest faults is to put too much thought into what family and friends think.
“Two years is a long time and lots of money has been spent to see each other, and we have never spent more than 2-3 weeks together in one stretch. This is money that I would prefer to spend on a vacation and fun, not just maintaining a relationship, so I feel it’s my time to decide.
“We used to see each other every month, but now it has slowly gotten to four months of not seeing each other, sometimes due to work, but mostly $$. Airfare only increases and I am growing tired of airline prices and schedules deciding my life and hurting my heart.
“Sometimes it feels like I am in a relationship with a telephone. I wish I were a hermit because an LDR might be a bit easier, but I enjoy everything life offers.
“One of my lowest moments was in January 2024. Christmas had been without Garth, and Covid for a 3rd time. This is when I found you, Tom, online and reached out to you for advice, direction, and understanding. Someday I will share this with Garth.
“A few months back, I ordered your eBook titled, Who Pays For The Date? on the draft2digital website. The cost was $2.39.
(https://draft2digital.com) Search on Tom Blake to see Tom’s 10 eBooks
“The book has had a very positive effect on my LDR relationship with my CA guy. I see sharing the cost of trips, meals, etc. through much clearer eyes now, and I would have felt awful throwing in the towel and then reading your book after the fact.
“Your book made me consider this question: ‘Why should a man, who has flown across the country, solely to see me for a few short days, be expected to pick up the tab at a fine-dining restaurant?’ When he arrived, I drove him to a nice restaurant and picked up the tab.
“At times, our relationship has been difficult. I would have thrown in the towel a dozen times if Garth hadn’t fought so hard for us to stay together. We have finally reached the point of splitting airfares, if necessary, since he travels here far more, or I pick up the tab often when he comes this way.
“I’ve never been one to take the easy path, and I have always followed my heart. I’m not saying I would tackle a LDR again, but it’s too late now. I’m in it, and what a gift ‘time’ is, as it is slowly bringing me more understanding and patience with the weeks and months between our seeing each other.
“All we have is ourselves to blame if we leave this world with only regrets vs memories in the making. I won’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’
“Garth and I have spent a lifetime apart, but the chemistry is still there, which is so hard to find after age 60.”
Tom’s Take
-AD’s LDR is as complex as any that I’ve heard about
-I’m pleased AD is taking a couple of months to be with Garth in California to see how they do on a full-time basis
-They need that time to communicate and to get to know each other
-Having met and been attracted to each other in 1979 is part of the glue that keeps them together, during a difficult two-year period
-Relocation seems not to be a factor (as it was with the Golden Bachelor couple). Garth will be moving to Minnesota. Hence, AD can share love and be near her family
-AD is following her heart, after having been so close to death. Love matters to her, but not so much the little things, as she refers to them
-Garth loves her, which he has proven to her time and time again
-I am pleased that my simple eBook, Who Pays For The Date? helped her. It costs $2.39. I have 10 eBooks on that book site https://draft2digital.com (At the site, search on my name or the book’s title)
-AD’s story is an example of the complexity and depths of the lives of our Champs.
Everybody has a story. I’d like to hear more of them.
On Life and Love after 50 