Christine Baumgartner – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

Lying about age on senior dating profile

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 7, February 14, 2020

Is Lying about age on senior dating profile acceptable?

by Columnist Tom Blake

This week, Champ Arlene, mid-60s, shared a story about a man who contacted her on a senior dating website. His profile stated he was 71, close enough in age, she felt, to be a potential mate.

Arlene emailed, “The guy wrote that he’d like to meet me at Starbucks. His photo looked ok. The location was near where I live so I agreed.

“He lives about 20 miles from me. I was sitting outside waiting for him, even though it was a bit chilly. When he walked up, he seemed much older than his photo.

“He had seen in my profile a picture of me on a cruise. He asked if I liked to cruise, to which I replied: ‘Yes, it’s my favorite thing to do.’

“He told me he’d been in the Navy and on many ships. I asked if it was during the Viet Nam War; he told me it was during the Korean War. Since I’m a Baby Boomer, guys in my age group were in the Viet Nam War, NOT the Korean War.

“I reminded him that his senior dating profile stated he was 71. He told me he’d ‘fudged’ his age a bit; he was 81! I let him ramble on for an hour about himself then told him I had many errands and had to leave.

“He had the nerve to contact me online again the next day. I told him we were not a match and that 81 was NOT 71!

“These guys never stop trying.”

Chris and Tina told the truth about their ages 15 years ago and the truth paid off. They married in 2017. He’s early 80s; Tina’s late 70s.

I wondered why he lied to Arlene. I pondered what he may have thought; I’m only guessing but perhaps it was something along this line.

He saw her profile on the senior dating website. Her picture appealed to him; he found her attractive. She lived close enough to him that dating her would be convenient.

He thought her interests and hobbies meshed with his. After all, he had been in the Navy onboard ships and he had noticed that profile picture of her on the cruise ship.

Perhaps she had the characteristics he sought in a mate. From her profile, it appeared to him they could be a good match.

There was just one problem, of which he was oh-so aware–probably because he had experienced it previously, more than once–he was too old for her.

If he listed his true age, he wouldn’t get a date with Arlene because she was more than 10 years younger.

Maybe he was convinced that if he could just get to meet Arlene face-to-face, she might think he was so wonderful, that their 10-to-17-year age difference (whichever it was), wouldn’t matter. He may have thought he was being creative and didn’t think he was kidding himself or being delusional.

To improve his chances of getting a date with Arlene, he simply shaved 10 (or more) years off his true age, on his profile.

Technically, he was lying. But he believed it was just a little white lie. Besides, he promised himself that he’d reveal his true age when they met, after, of course, he’d had a chance to show her what a potentially great catch he’d be. Is lying to get one’s foot in the door wrong?

Perhaps he knew from previous experiences that the only way to get first dates with younger women was to lie on his profile.

Again, I can’t say if this is how his thinking went, or if any of my above speculation is true, but, I imagine, some of it is.

Christine Baumgartner, an Orange County dating and relationship coach, once told me, “When I work with my clients, I always insist they tell the truth about themselves, including their age. It’s very important not to lie.”

Some senior singles say, if people lie about their age, anything they say might be suspect.

I responded to Arlene: “He may have even been fudging a bit more. The Korean War was between 1950-1953. If he was, let’s say, 17, in 1950, that would make him approximately 87 now. If he was 17 in 1953, he’d be about 84 now. If he was older than 17 during the Korean War, he could be in his late 80s now.”

Lying about one’s age isn’t acceptable. Besides, the truth will emerge sooner or later.

Oh, and did I mention, I’m 64? Well, at least I once was!
****
Anecdote about age. As I was preparing this eNewsletter, Greta said, “An article I’m reading says Johnny Mathis is 83, Engelbert Humperdinck is 83, Tony Bennett ,94, and Clint Eastwood is 89.” I thought, oh my gosh, that can’t be possible.

The next Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point, California, will be Thursday, February 27, 2020, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 PCH, Dana Point, from 5 to 7 p.m. Admission free, appetizers free, beer and wine per glass $6.

In Search of That Special Someone

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – February 15, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Love: In Search of That Special Someone

Thank goodness, Valentine’s Day, 2019, is behind us. Frankly, I don’t like to write about it. Never have. The reason: In the 50-to-90 age range, there are many singles who don’t have a significant other and Valentine’s Day reminders can be a bit of a downer.

I don’t want to talk about a dozen red roses here, a box of chocolates there, a romantic dinner in some five-star restaurant, or cuddling in front of a fireplace. For people in committed relationships, they already know that’s the drill on V-Day.

But for many singles without a partner, Valentine’s Day can’t end soon enough. They have other things on their mind. As an example, last week, a very nice single woman sent this email:

She wrote, “I am new to your e-Newsletter and enjoying it. I’m 62, divorced twice and live in Orange County (California). You are my inspiration that there is that special someone out there for me!

“I also heard that you have a Facebook group that might be a good idea for me. I’m also wondering from your years of dealing with the subject if you have some very specific recommendations for dating sites. There are so many out there and I’d rather use a reliable and successful one rather than waste my time and money.”

My reply: “Our Facebook group is called Finding Love After 50. It’s a “closed” group; people must request to join. I keep it closed because there are many people lurking on the Internet and Facebook who have evil intentions, or ulterior motives that would not be beneficial to our group members.

“For example, they might want to promote a cause or a business that benefits only them, or establish contact with our members, only to eventually hurt, defraud, or cheat them. I cannot allow that to happen. I must keep the site safe.

(“Occasionally, a member will post too much drivel, so, I delete those posts. If over-posting continues, I will remove that member from the group–after a friendly warning, of course.)

“I prescreen everyone who requests to join the group. I check out each person’s Facebook page to see what they post, who their friends are, and try to get a feel for, ‘Yup, they’d fit in and contribute to our group.’ If they have no personal information that reveals who they are, I don’t let them in the door.

“You’d be amazed at what’s on people’s Facebook pages. Guns, violence, perversion, distasteful sexual content, extreme political views, and membership in hundreds of other groups, which indicates that the people have no actual interest in what our group stands for.

“You asked about recommendations for dating sites. Let me say this up front. What I said about Facebook misfits also applies to dating websites. Don’t get me wrong, online dating is a great tool for mature singles. It allows you to reach out across city limits, county and state borders and even into other countries. It dramatically increases your chances of meeting ‘that someone special,’ to which you refer.

“Still, you must be very careful and leery when dipping your toes into online dating. There are bad apples looking for vulnerable people age 50-plus and older. Trust your instincts. If something seems ‘not right,’ then it isn’t. Wednesday night, Greta and I saw a TV interview with a woman who got scammed out of her $30,000 of life savings (of which $20,000 was borrowed from neighbors), by a guy she had never met in person. Sounds foolish and very stupid, but it was also sad.

“If you do meet in person, do so in a public place, tell your friends with whom you are meeting, check the person out carefully beforehand, and consider doing a background check.

“Of course, never send or give money to a stranger.

“What sites are best? Match.com still ranks high, in my opinion, but not perfect. I met a neighbor this week who lives a few houses away. He and his woman friend met on Match.

“Our Time is for older people, and again not perfect. Those are two suggestions. I’m sure our Champs will mention other sites as well. Meeting that someone special can happen, however, on any dating site. This book, features the stories of 58 couples who met after age 50 (the title says 50 couples, but it’s indeed 58, which is another story). A few of our Champs are included in the book.

Tom’s book is available via his bookstore at https://www.findingloveafter50.com/bookstore

“A woman named Christine Baumgartner is an Orange County relationship coach who is a part of our group. She is a wonderful person and has helped many people in their search for love. She often posts to our Finding Love After 50 group site. Her email is Christine@theperfectcatch.com. Website: www.theperfectcatch.com.

“Christine is leading a panel discussion on Feb 26, 5:30-8:30 p.m., of a woman’s group called WomanSage. I will be on that panel. It will be held at the Center Club, in Costa Mesa, adjacent to the Segerstrom Theatre. That would be a good event for you to attend. For details, go to the website below. Details of the event are on the home page where you see the roses and bottle of champagne. You do not have to be a member of WomanSage to purchase a ticket (www.womansage.org)

“Stay in touch and we’ll help in your search for that special someone.”

I realize that not all of our Champs live close enough to Orange County to attend that evening but people in Southern California would enjoy it.

However, this woman’s situation is similar to millions of other singles across North America. The key to meeting new people, and possibly finding that special someone, is to get out and join new groups. Making women friends is a good way to begin.

Yelling doesn’t help anything

October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean

Yelling or being yelled at doesn’t help anything

by Columnist Tom Blake

Before leaving on this cruise that my significant other, Greta, and I are currently taking, I read an article titled, “Don’t make excuses for a husband’s yelling.” It was written by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist using a format similar to Dear Abby, dated September 2, 2018, in the Washington Post.

I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.

I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry yelling mate.

And then, on September 28, I received even more inspiration to write on the topic when Champ Christine Baumgartner, a knowledgeable relationship coach, with whom most of you are familiar, posted a simple notice on the On Life and Love After 50 Facebook group that read:

“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”

So, out here on the Pacific Ocean, as our ship heads toward Dutch Harbor, Alaska, I studied Ms. Hax’s article. A woman had written Hax stating: “My husband is wonderful, supportive, kind…We have been together a long time and love each other dearly.

We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry, he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.

I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.

I feel like he gets so angry, so quickly, over so many things that it makes me reluctant to tell him things that are negative…I know we are both at fault: He needs to control his temper and I need to be less sensitive.”

The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”

Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”

Based on my experience with my yelling, former girlfriend, who would slowly get angry and raise the sound level of her voice to screaming level, as if she had an anger accelerator within her body, although I had done absolutely nothing to trigger it, I learned that people must extricate themselves from this type of relationship.

Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.

It was hard to end the relationship because I cared, but as stated in Christine’s Facebook post, being disrespected—and being yelled at is just that—isn’t worth the “but I love him” title.

Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.

When my yelling girlfriend and I went to counseling, as we walked from the car to the counselor’s office, she said, “Don’t tell her the truth.” And got angry when I tried to explain that that was why we were there. We never went back.

If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.

Part 2 -Cruise update

We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.

Internet is iffy because it’s done via satellite. We usually can access our email accounts, but opening websites like Facebook or CBS Sports is sporadic at best. Probably like most passengers, we’ll try to get in some internet action while ashore in Dutch Harbor.

On Tuesday, we met 12 people–two at lunch, six at a small cocktail party and four at dinner. Two were from San Antonio, Texas, one from Dallas. Three from Mississippi, two from Colorado, two from the Imperial Valley in California, one from Atlanta, and one from New Orleans.

Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.

Being yelled at doesn’t help anything

October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean

Being yelled at doesn’t help anything

by Columnist Tom Blake

I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.

I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry, yelling mate.

“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”

We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.

I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.

The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”

Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”

Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.

Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.

If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.

Part 2 -Cruise update

We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.

Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.

Living Apart Together (LAT) Relationships update

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – January 12, 2018

Tom Blake

Update on Living Apart Together (LAT) relationships

Last year, I received an email that piqued my interest. It was about a March 20, 2017, article posted on www.nextavenue.org, titled, “Older Adults Embrace ‘Living Apart Together,’” by Sheena Rice.

From that article, I learned a new term that described a type of senior romantic relationship: LAT (an acronym for Living Apart Together). I checked Wikipedia’s description of a LAT “…couples who have an intimate relationship but live at separate addresses.”

In Ms. Rice’s article, she included comments from researchers from the University of Missouri. Rice said, “The researchers found that (LAT) couples were motivated by desires to stay independent, maintain their own homes, sustain existing family boundaries and remain financially independent.”

I wrote about LAT relationships in our June 23, 2017, newsletter, which included quotes from four of our Champs. All newsletters are posted to my Finding Love After 50 website.

The week after the newsletter was published, three more Champs commented on LAT relationships. Here are excerpts from their comments:

Kenny, “Just one single-over-50-year-old guy’s opinion: I have ONLY been married “twice.” That would be the “first” time and the “last” time. I feel at this stage of my life, 68, there is almost NO (like 1/10th of 1%) upside to co-habitate or remarry, especially with the multiple legal complications of either the cohabitation or marriage agreement and contract, and that includes even an expensive “can-always-be-challenged” legal prenuptial agreement.

“And NO, I am NOT some bitter cynical divorcee. Really, it’s just 2017, just common sense, and I will never justify ‘living together’ to lessen a few $$$ of living expenses.

“I have seen way too many move-in-together couples justify this, “Oh “dahhh-ling, look-at-all-the-money-we-will-save-living-together” arrangement, only to go up-in-smoke (and lots of flames), followed by one helluva mighty big honkin’ litigation full of money mess.

“But, I am currently in a committed relationship. We maintain separate residences and are agreeable to NOT mix our children and our finances.

“Yet, we care for each other (and luv each other to bits and plan to ‘go the distance’) and are totally there for each other. We travel together and all our children / family / friends recognize us as a couple.”

Phil, “I spent 21 years with my wife in a LAT. In the end, not good. We found we had nothing in common. So, we lived apart. But I could not elect the option of divorce, thinking we might reconcile. I was with my wife 24/7 in her dying days.

“In 20/20 hindsight, I would have done something else (about a divorce). With Sue now in my life in 2017, the past all seems like an ‘uncomfortable period.’”

Note from Tom: Phil and Sue, Jackson High School (Jackson, Michigan) classmates of mine, married in 2017. They had not seen each other in 50-plus years. Phil sadly passed away four months after the marriage.

Relationship counselor Christine Baumgartner, said, “I have a neighbor who has been in a LAT relationship for five years. Her partner lives four miles away. They usually see each other every day and spend most nights together at each other’s homes. They share their lives with each other and are both financially comfortable with this arrangement. I asked them why it worked for them.

“She said his house is full of electronics and stuff (which he isn’t going to change) and if she lived there full-time it would make her crazy. This is the only thing she doesn’t love about him and knows it would be a breaking point for both.

“She also said she loves having her own home that she can keep ‘just her way.’ He said he wants her to be happy when she’s with him and knows their LAT is the perfect way to achieve this.”

2018 update on LAT relationships

This week, the above mentioned, Sheena Rice, of the University of Missouri News Bureau, sent a follow-up press release quoting Jacquelyn Benson, assistant professor of human development and family science, who is an expert on LAT relationships.

Professor Benson raised this issue: In a LAT relationship, where committed couples live apart, what happens to the relationship and living arrangement when one of the members needs care giving or has other serious health issues? Does it change the living arrangement?

Professor Benson is doing a great service to unwed, committed senior couples, by stressing the importance of “having the talk” beforehand about what happens to the arrangement if someone gets seriously ill.

She interviewed people age 60+ who are in LAT relationships to shed light on her concern. In the press release, she was quoted, “Most of the individuals we interviewed had not been tested by the realities of caregiving within their current LAT partnerships.”

But she did say, “…couples also are willing to make changes in living arrangements to provide care giving support to one another.” That was very encouraging to hear.

Professor Benson added: “Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families.”

Unwed senior couples–whether in a LAT or living together–instead of texting, should have face to face “the talk”

Ms. Benson admits more research is needed to gain understanding on this important topic. The press release added, “Benson is seeking older adults from around the country who are choosing to live apart (in a LAT relationship) or living together unmarried (cohabiting).”

If you would like to participate in her research (both partners must agree to participate), contact me and I tell you how to get in touch with her. Our group might be able to give her some valuable insights on this issue affecting older adult couples.

———————————————————————-

Clarification about last week’s article

Clarification on last week’s eNewsletter from Althea, the woman who is care giving the couple (both 81) in Yuba City, California. Althea emailed, “You did a good job and quoted me correctly except for the place where you wrote that the daughter had ‘hired me.’ I wasn’t hired, in the sense that it’s a job and I get paid…I don’t get any money.

“The ‘pay’ is I get room and board free in exchange for what I do to help them…be company for the wife, making meals, keeping the house as clean as I can (they have housekeepers who come every other week). And I supply a dog since they lost theirs. Animal love is very important.”

Thanks Althea for setting the record straight.