Ted and Marcia Everingham – 60 years of marriage and love
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 23, 2021
by Columnist Tom Blake
I’ve often said, and I truly believe, that our Champs are incredible people: Warm, friendly, observant, caring, sharing, giving, and helpful.
On this day before Christmas Eve. 2021, I decided to share with you a poem I received this week from my high school classmate Ted Everingham—who is a Champ and a friend. It captures the warmth of Christmas, love and 60-years of happy marriage. So, the total credit of today’s eNewsletter message goes to Ted and Marcia Everingham, of Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan.
A CHRISTMAS MEMORY by Ted Everingham:
“My Christmas Eve was cold and snowy in 1960. It was a Saturday evening, and I was working at the local radio station in Albion, Michigan, reading top-of-the-hour newscasts and running the control board for Late Date, a popular weekly radio show targeting teenage listeners.
“The program ran from 10:00 p.m. until midnight. The show’s host – a senior at the high school in nearby Marshall – chose to close her program that Christmas Eve with a bit of verse. It didn’t rise to the dignity of a ‘poem,’ but it expressed in rhyme an important idea in simple, homespun language appropriate to the time and place.
“I heard the first line or two through my headset, and then for a reason that I have forgotten (if I ever knew), I turned to look at the host through the glass that separated the control room from the studio where she sat. I discovered, to my surprise, that she was not reading the verse but reciting it from memory, and she was speaking directly to me through that glass.
“Here is Marcia’s Christmas wish to me that long-ago evening: ‘If I could do whatever I want to do, To make complete your gladsome Christmas Day I would not bring a single thing to you, But I would come and take some things away: I’d take away all trouble from your heart, Each pain and sorrow I would have relieved, And every pain that caused a single smart, And every hour through which you sorely grieved. I’d have them all be gone — forever gone – Forgotten, like the things that cannot be, And then each hour would be a joyful one, For only good things would be left you see.’”
Ted said, “Eight months later, the host and I were married, and the rest (60 years) is history.”Merry Christmas!
Ted & Marcia Everingham, Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan.
Thanks, Champs, enjoy your Christmas. Be safe. We will send out the final column of 2021 on New Year’s Eve. Merry Christmas Champs!
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletterDecember 17, 2021
by Tom Blakeauthor and columnist
The Book Signing
Last Saturday, I had the third book signing of my memoir, “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.” In a nutshell, the book is about my 26 years of opening, operating, and eventually selling Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. The signing was held at the deli I didn’t expect many people to show up for a couple of reasons.
I’d already had two book signings there and several people had already purchased the book. Also, I didn’t adequately promote the event. I only mentioned it in this eNewsletter and put a poster up in the deli front window and notified a few acquaintances who were mentioned in the book, thinking they might want to see what I wrote about them.
At the signing, in addition to displaying my latest book on a table where customers could see it, I also had the four other printed books I’ve written on the same table. I’m guessing that reading this sounds pretty boring, I admit. But then meaningful things started to happen.
A younger couple, I’m guessing early 40s, came in for a sandwich. They were perusing the dating books and I heard the guy say to his lady, “This book would be good for Mom to read.”He was referring to Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What To Do, which I published in 2003.
When I heard him say that I introduced myself, and asked, “Is mom single?” He said, “She’s a new widow. She has no idea what to do. She married right out of high school and has never dated anyone else. Which of these books would be good for her?”
I said, “The one you mentioned, Finding Love After 50.” He said, “I’ll take it. Will you sign it for her?”
“Of course,” I said. And then he added, “By the way, I’m J.J; I went to Dana Hills High School with your former stepson, Mikey. I’ve eaten at this deli for 30 years. How is Mikey doing?” “Funny you should ask. I received a heart-warming text from him yesterday. Hadn’t heard from him in almost a year.”
“J.J., I don’t know if you knew that Joey, Mikey’s brother, was murdered, along with his wife and two young children in 2010. Both Mikey and Joey worked at the deli. Losing his brother like that has been very tough on Mikey. On all of us, as well.” J.J. said, “Yes, I knew about it. I didn’t want to spoil your day by mentioning it. Thanks for being here today, Tom, seeing you brings back great memories and some sadness as well.”
I autographed the book for his mom. I also signed a complimentary copy of How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 for her. And I added, “I suggest your mom sign up for our free eNewsletter. Our Champs can really help her arise out of a very difficult time. Many of them have walked the walk.”
As J.J. and his lovely woman left, it occurred to me that meeting them and likely helping his mom was worth the entire book signing effort that day. Over the years, you Champs have helped so many newly widowed people it warms my heart.
And then, two women–a mother, and a daughter–looked at the books displayed on the table, as the women were waiting for their sandwiches. I said, “Hi, I’m Tom, the author, let me know if you have any questions.” The younger woman said, “You wrote these?” “Yes.”
She said, “We’re both single, mother and daughter. Why are you here?” I said, “I owned this deli for 26 years. I’m just doing a book signing today.” She said, “You owned a restaurant and you’re also an author?” I said, “Yup, when you own a restaurant for 26 years, you need something else to occupy your mind, to keep you from going crazy; I was fortunate enough to become a newspaper columnist and have been writing articles on finding love for 26 years.”
The daughter said, “Gee, we were just driving by and saw the deli sign. We each want one of your new deli books. Can you sign one to ‘Lana,’ who is Mom, and one to me, I’m ‘Lana S.’” I said, “Lana? As in the movie star Lana Turner?”
They laughed and nodded. I said, “And this is Greta, as in Garbo. the famous Swedish star.” We chuckled.
I said “Famous names of famous people. I encourage you, Mom Lana, to sign up for the eNewsletter that I send by email every Friday to 2,000 people all over the USA and other countries.” Then, a tall man named Jim, mid-70s came in wearing a Diablo (Mission Viejo High School) sweatshirt. He said he helps out with the basketball program there. A senior, volunteering to help kids–I love it.
Plus, he mentioned, “I need three books. A new deli book and two How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 books. “Why two 50 Couples books?” I asked. “One for me and one for my friend Fred. He’s having trouble meeting women and he heard that this book explains how all those couples met.”
Jim added, “I came to your Meet and Greets here at the deli. Met a nice woman and we dated exclusively for a couple of months. Then, I went to my grandson’s football game and sat with my other grandkids and my ex-wife.”My new significant other was so insecure, she got jealous and broke off our relationship. Hard to figure that one out. So, I also need to read your book.”
Earlier that Saturday morning, I had gone to the outdoor flea market the city of Dana Point sponsors in the town center to see my friends Vince and Julie who have a booth there where they sell hats with custom-made logos that Vince designs. Vince calls himself, “Vince Thehatman.” (check out his website—VinceTheHatman.com) I told them about the mid-afternoon book signing and they said, “When we are done around 2 p.m., we’ll come for a sandwich and chat.”
They arrived with Jeff Freeman, a guy who also has a booth next to theirs at the flea market. He sells high-quality sheets. The three of them stayed for more than an hour. Julie’s mother Dee S. is one of our Champs. Vince and Julie’s photo is in the new deli book. I’ve known Vince for nearly 30 years.
Occasionally, he helped at the deli when Greta and I traveled. And then, a man named Ron Sobel came to get one of the new books. In 1988, Ron opened Ron’s New York Deli in Dana Point Harbor at the same time I opened Tutor and Spunky’s. His menu is pictured in the new book. Ron and Vince had known each other years ago so they found time to get caught up.
A bit later, another long-time friend, Patrick Hynes, with whom I worked at the Victoria Station Restaurant chain in the 1970s, came in to get one of the new deli books. He drove down from Newport Beach.
Patrick used to be the concierge at the Newport Beach Bay Club, where he met a lot of famous people. Patrick is from Adelaide, Australia, a wonderful person. I had no idea he’d be coming to the book signing.
Patrick publishes a blog titled, Patrick’s Brief Encounters…Snippets of my life in America, which features famous people he’s met since moving from Australia. He’s going to publish a book on that one day. Patrick was featured in another memoir I wrote in 2006, titled, Prime Rib and Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station? a copy of which was on the table in the deli.
Ends up, he stayed for over an hour, chatting with Greta, Vince, Julie, Jeff, and Ron. And then a woman, who was dressed to the nine’s came in. It took a few seconds to recognize her, it was Sally West.
Greta and I had met Sally in 2007, on the Venice Simplon-Orient-Express train on a trip from Venice to Prague and on to Paris. Sally and her traveling pal occupied the berth next to ours. Oh my gosh, what a delightful surprise. (I checked to see if that Orient Express train is still operating. It is. Now, if you take a six-day trip from Paris to Istanbul the cost is $25,000 per person. Sure happy we took it 14 years ago.)
I said to Sally, “Why are you dressed so exquisitely?” She said, “I live in a retirement community. Your book signing was a nice social event for me to get out and attend as sort of a change of pace, so I dolled it up a bit.”
Sally is a Champ and loves our eNewsletter. She and the rest of us chatted extensively. The book signing had turned into a delightful event, something that happens when seniors get out and about. It was almost spur of the moment.
The final couple to attend the book signing were Kathy and her husband Dave. Both are retired. Kathy owned and ran McCool’s Flowers, the best damn flower shop in Dana Point for 30 years. They are mentioned in the book.
Often, Kathy did the floral centerpieces for banquet tables that took your breath away and filled banquet halls with a lovely aroma. It was getting dark. And we seniors didn’t want to drive in the dark, so we adjourned. But what a special time it turned out to be.
I realized once again from this simple outing that life is about friends and cherishing old memories. Not many books were sold but that didn’t matter; seeing old friends and meeting new ones is what was important. And it reminded me of how blessed I’ve been in my life.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 19, 2021
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
Which online dating site is best for seniors?
During the pandemic, most single seniors didn’t interact face-to-face with people, so many of them decided to give online dating a try. Several were frustrated with the experience. Some seniors don’t internet date at all. Connie emailed me about the difficulty she’s had when trying to meet men. She wrote, “I have never been on an online dating site. I prefer the old-fashioned way (of meeting men).”
I assume what Connie’s “old-fashioned way” term means to her is networking through friends and/or going to public places where she might by chance meet a guy.
I’ve often been asked by seniors, “Which online dating site is right for me?”
Take Ellen for example. She wrote: “I am a widow, 66, and recently retired. So, I’m starting a new chapter in my life. When I think of the future and see myself alone for the rest of my life, that makes me feel sad. However, when I look at my life today, I am happy–busy with kids, grandkids, hobbies, and church.
“I tried online dating for a few years. Tried them all: eHarmony, Plenty of Fish (POF), Catholic Match, Senior Dating, and OurTime. I met some nice people, but nothing clicked.“More times than not when I emailed someone, I never got a response. After a while, it just wasn’t worth the work anymore, and Internet dating is a lot of work. I keep my options open, but I figure at this stage I am pretty well done with online looking. But I am certainly open if I meet someone in person.”
I’m not an Internet dating expert. After all, I’ve been with Greta for 24 years and have never been on an Internet dating site. So, how do I advise women like Ellen to find the right dating site?
I turn to an expert dating and relationship coach I’ve known for 20+ years, who is also a Champ. Her name is Christine Baumgartner; she lives in Orange County, California, and calls her business “The Perfect Catch.” She helps clients all over the United States, not just in the OC.
Recently, Christine posted comments on Facebook under the title, “Which Internet dating site is ‘the best’ one?” I felt what Christine wrote was so informative for single senior daters that I chose to share some of her highlights in this week’s eNewsletter.
When Christine is asked by a client which dating site is the best one, her reply is, “This may surprise you, They’re generally all the same.”
But she points out that certain sites have a particular focus such as religious beliefs or sites that cater to a variety of age groups, including sites for seniors. Christine said, “In reality, the outcome of a person’s online dating experience or your own experience often has more to do with some of the following…
“Your attitude toward yourself, the opposite sex, and dating in general. In particular, many people tend to struggle if they have negative opinions about the opposite sex (due to past dating experiences).”
“Profile content and photos. Many of us are tempted to lie about our age or touch up our pictures.” She stresses that singles should be honest with what they post.
“Persistence. Some people give up quickly when dating doesn’t turn out to be what they were looking for.” Christine recommends people adopt a stick-with-it attitude.
Christine concluded, “I have clients who have met their significant others on dating sites after we worked on these things together. I’ve found that it’s usually not the site causing a person to not find the right date…it’s the person not using the site to that person’s best advantage.”
If I were single and trying to figure out how best to meet someone, I’d contact Christine. She’s a widow and has walked the walk. Not to mention that she is one of the nicest human beings one will ever meet. No wonder she does so well at helping senior singles who are struggling to find their way. Here is Christine’s picture:
Photo courtesy of Christine Baumgartner
Christine’s email is christine@theperfect catch.com and her website is www.ThePerfectCatch.com
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 8, 2021
by Tom Blakecolumnist
Responses to “Where Are the single senior men?”
Two weeks ago, the title of the eNewsletter was “Where are the men?” In that article, I quoted Marci, a single woman, age 70, who said: “I live in Orange County. I am retired and would love to meet an available, honest, adventurous man. Where is he?”
Normally, a comment like Marci’s would draw responses from men in their mid-70s and 80s+ who want to contact senior single women younger than they are. So, I was surprised when the first two men to respond were considerably younger than Marci.
One young widower, Capistrano Beach (a part of Dana Point), whom Greta and I have known for years, wrote, “I’m 56 and still single. It’s been tough dating lately thanks to COVID-19. I’m not giving up on women; they used to just fall in my lap without me looking.
“I guess I’m just too picky with the ladies, but I get flirted with a lot when I venture out to get a quick drink and a taste of social interaction. It’s all good because I’m really focused on doing fun stuff with my son, age 20, who is itching to get out there in the world before he moves out and moves on. When that happens, I’m sure I will be online dating. I’m still extremely busy with my work, which is good.”
Tom’s comment: This widower is a terrific person. Since his wife passed away a few years ago, he has devoted his life to raising his son. After his son moves out (and maybe before), I have no doubt that he will meet a fine woman. At 56, he reads our weekly eNewsletter and says he finds it “informative and entertaining.”
Another Tom, San Juan Capistrano, age 61, emailed that he’d like to contact Marci, who is 10 years older than he. I responded to Tom, “You asked for Marci’s email address. Of course, I always ask permission to give out someone’s email before passing it on to strangers. Marci notified me that she’s finally met a man who might even be marriage material. So, she’s out of the ballgame for now.
“However, it’s good to know you are 61 and live in SJC. I will keep my ears open for you. I have one idea of a nice potential mate in Orange County, but I need to check with her first. I will let you know.”
Also, writing this week was Connie whoemailed: Hi Tom, I live in Laguna Niguel (Orange County, near Dana Point) and have known about you for ages but have never signed up for your email newsletter. I was at a family member’s house in San Juan Capistrano and saw your article titled ‘Where are the Single Men?’ in The Capistrano Dispatch paper.
“In that article, you mentioned that single women, when exchanging contact info with potential dates, should only give out to strangers a first name (not the last name) and email address, but not the home address.
“Well, my email, like yours, exposes my last name. I hate to manage too many more emails. I also manage another email as chairman of the City of Orange Hearing Loss Association. I’ve worn hearing aids for years and got a Cochlear Implant in one ear two years ago. We have been doing social events and some Zoom meetings. It’s been hard reading lips with people wearing masks, but we are used to finding creative ways to overcome obstacles.
“I have never been on a dating site. I guess I prefer the old-fashioned way. Maybe you can do a Zoom meeting for one of our upcoming meetings. We can title it ‘How to navigate the dating scene with a hearing loss.’ It would be hilarious.
“Thanks for all you do to keep others busy and happy. Amazing work! Like so many others, you never knew where your path was going to lead. I’m finally calling myself retired at 70, whatever that means.”
Tom’s response to Connie: “I didn’t think about women having their last name or first and last name in their email address when meeting new people when dating. I should have just looked at my own email address. I would consider you as a public figure, so you want people to recognize you and what you do, which presents a bit of a dilemma in sharing your last name with strangers.”
“For dating purposes, you could create a third email address but that would be another address with which to deal. If that is too much of a pain, you might decide to reveal your last name but be careful.
“I am impressed that you are chairman of the City of Orange Hearing Loss Association, and you hold social events and zoom meetings. “True, I did not know where my path would lead when 26 years ago, I wrote my first column in 1994. Combining newspaper and email eNewsletters, the total written has reached nearly 4,200. I have added you to the eNewsletter mailing list. I call our members Champs. Why? Because that’s what they are and now that’s what you are.
“Retired at 70, whatever that means? It means you will keep on being active and creative as you keep enriching your life and helping so many others.”
The Oil Spill
I think most of you are aware of the disastrous oil spill of 166,000 gallons this past weekend off the Southern California Coast. Seeing photos of dead sea animals and fish washing ashore is beyond sad. In April 2020, I wrote about witnessing a Standup Paddle Boarder (SUP) named Candice Appleby (considered to be the best woman paddleboarder in the world) rescuing a struggling baby sea lion by putting it on her board and bringing it ashore in Dana Point Harbor.
Candice Appleby with a rescued baby sea lion
She phoned ahead from her paddleboard to the Pacific Marine Mammal Center rescue team, to come to Baby Beach and take the baby seal to its facilities in nearby Laguna Beach. I was so impressed with Candice and the PMMC rescue team that I started contributing to the PMMC charity.
My SUP partner, Russell Kerr and I so love and appreciate those animals that it’s a cause close to our hearts. PMMC has rescued and returned to the ocean thousands of injured aquatic animals and birds over the past 50 years.
So, on the first of this month, when PMMC sent an email thanking me for my ongoing donation, I thought to myself, I need to contribute more because the PMMC is at the center of the rescue during this horrendous environmental tragedy. Even the beaches of Laguna Beach and Newport Beach, where they return healthy animals to the ocean, are closed. Dana Point Harbor is also closed.
I am not soliciting donations, but if you love animals, and can help with a small amount, it will help PMMC fight the damage being done by this oil slick. The PMMC team will be totally overwhelmed trying to save the sick animals. They said an update on Wednesday saying they would welcome some volunteers now. The link to the PMMC website: https://www.pacificmmc.org
(Photo of the baby seal lion is courtesy of the PMMC.)
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 24, 2021
by Tom P Blake
Where are the men? As a senior dating columnist, the most frequently asked question I receive is “Where are the single senior men?” Meaning, available senior single men, and asked by women. Sometimes, the question is worded differently, but the intention is the same.
For example, Marci, 70, emailed, “I live in Orange County. I am retired and would love to meet an available, honest, adventurous man. Where is he?” Marci added: “I am fun, smart, spiritual, good looking, and healthy. I love my family, friends, animals and ENJOY my life. I am so ready to meet him.”
My usual answer: “There is no specific place, at least of which I’m aware, where senior single men congregate with the purpose of meeting an available senior woman near their age range. No bar, no church, no senior center, no golf course—not even a cruise ship.”
But that has changed. There are hundreds of places now where senior single men hang out–and may possibly be hoping to meet a mate. Where? Isolated in their homes, due to the Covid pandemic. That makes meeting men even harder.
My response to Marci: You sound terrific–retired, healthy, attractive, loving enthusiastic, confident, and positive. Wow, great credentials; you’d be a wonderful partner! Oh, you didn’t mention whether you are financially secure—some calculating guy might even want to know that! But it’s best to not mention your finances. If a man asks, that’s a red flag that he is seeking something other than love.
I wish, Marci, that I had an easy answer to your question. Finding a quality mate is difficult for senior women. At age 70, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately 3.5-to-one. And yet, meeting a mate at your age is possible, even if many of them are hunkered down at home.
My normal advice would be: “Get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities you enjoy. By doing just that, you will improve your chances greatly of meeting that adventurous guy.”
However, for nearly two years, seniors have been handcuffed by Covid. Socializing and meeting new people has been challenging. Earlier this year, the situation appeared to be improving, but restrictions are reappearing.
So, I’ve come up with a revisedlist of eight suggestions on how to meet a single senior man:
1 – To facilitate exchanging contact information with new people, hand out preprinted name cards that reveal only your first name and email address. Don’t reveal your last name, street address, or phone number (not yet at least). Handwritten cards prepared by you are fine. Or you can go to Staples or a print shop to have them done. Carry them with you. Have them ready so that a pen isn’t needed when exchanging contact information with a new acquaintance. If a woman wants to increase her circle of women friends–an excellent idea–handwriting her phone number on her card should be okay.
If your last name is a part of your email address, you might need to get a second email address that doesn’t reveal your name and use that when first meeting strangers. Just be darned careful regardless of how you are meeting
2 – Seize every opportunity to meet new people without endangering your health. Attend events and gatherings where people are vaccinated and located outdoors in the open air. For example, attend tai chi and/or yoga classes in a park. Introduce yourself to strangers, hand out your name cards, while keeping your distance.
This week, the editors of my three Orange County newspapers asked me to contribute an extra column to an Aging Well insert describing where retired people can go during these Covid times. The article is approximately 1,200 words.
You can read that article online by clicking on one of the three separate newspaper links at the end of today’s newsletter. Look for the Aging Well insert. The article might provide you some suggestions, even if you don’t live in South Orange County.
3 – Don’t focus solely on meeting men. Include women as well, single or married. Make meeting new friends a top priority. Social interaction is one of the most important activities seniors can pursue.
4 – Be sure you are getting physical and mental exercise. It helps your health and makes you a more interesting person. Adopt a project; write a blog. Write a book. Volunteer (safely). Read a book such as “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” by Tom Blake
How 50 Couples Found Love After 50
5 – Internet date, which will improve your chances of meeting a mate. You need access to a computer. If you don’t have this capability, ask a friend for help. The internet is an important senior dating tool, enabling people to search for a mate beyond one’s neighborhood, city limits, and state lines. There are thousands of potential mates out there.
However, BEWARE! I estimate that 25 percent of the people on senior dating sites are scammers, trying to steal seniors’ identity and money. The scammers are experts of deceit, preying on vulnerable seniors, especially widows.
Don’t venture online on your own. Have friends help you. Write me for advice. Trust your instincts. Never send money to a stranger. Don’t be naïve or gullible because you are lonely. Be careful when meeting a stranger in person.
6 – Meetup.com – Again, you will need a computer, but only to locate groups within your area that provide endless activities. Meetup.com is an online site where you can join groups to learn—for example–to dance, speak a language, exercise, cook Italian (or any country’s) food. Learn how to write, publish a book.
7- Volunteer. There are many opportunities in your community. Pick a place to help that makes you feel good and do it. Just keep in mind the Covid precautions.
8 – Suggest to your friends to sign up for this weekly free email newsletter by visiting the home page of my “Findingloveafter50.com” website or email me and ask me to add you. You will learn what others are doing to meet mates. Cast your net far and wide. Anything can happen. Never give up hope. Continue to enjoy life, with or without a man. Links to Tom’s newspapers
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 17, 2021
9/11 Tribute
Champ Larry, Ann Arbor, Michigan, emailed on Saturday, September 11, “Today is not busy until 4 p.m. when my wife Bonnie and I head toward the stadium to set up our tailgate for the Michigan vs. Washington football game at “The Big House.”
Friends will stop by, sometimes from as far away as Dallas or London. It’s game day. We have our University of Michigan flag flying in the front yard. It will be a late-night with the kickoff at 8 p.m. “The band has a spectacular light show planned at halftime commemorating 9/11.
Twenty years ago today, the 9/11 attack came when I was on my way back from dropping Bonnie at Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. She was headed for Fort Worth to babysit our granddaughters.
“I had pulled off I-94 at the Bellville exit and was one car from getting a cup of coffee at McDonalds when I heard the announcement of the crash. I thought it was an announcement like ‘War of the Worlds.’ “Bonnie’s flight was in the process of making an emergency landing at Indianapolis, where she would be kept at the Holiday Inn for three days until I went down and picked her up.”
Tom’s comment: I’ve known Larry for more years than I can remember. He was in my brother’s high school class in Jackson, Michigan, which makes him a couple of years older than I. He was an incredible golfer, good enough to have earned varsity letters on the UM golf team. He and his wife Bonnie, married for 61 years, are Champs and enjoy reading the eNewsletter.
Bonnie and Larry Leach married 61 years – Ann Arbor, Michigan
I asked Larry to send us a picture of the UM band light show. I was hoping that ABC TV, which carried the game, would show 30 seconds or so of the band’s performance during the half but the network finessed it. Here is Larry’s photo of the band at halftime on September 11, 2021.
University of Michigan Band at halftime on September 11, 2021
Movin’ in isn’t easy either
Champ Althea commented on the eight items I listed last week to do before deciding to cohabitate. She said, “I have to disagree with number 8. Moving in is NOT so easy; it’s as difficult as moving out. The decision to move in might be easy to make, in certain circumstances, but everything that surrounds the move-in is back-breaking (packing, lifting, carrying, etc.) and mind-boggling HARD.
“Especially when you’re over 65 with physical issues, and one whole house is trying to merge into another whole house…of stuff! Sometimes you need to take the good with the bad and suffer the consequences later.”
Have it notarized Regarding item number 6 from last week’s list, ‘Sign a written exit plan before the move, in case it doesn’t work out,’ Champ S. added: “Have it notarized.”
And John from Las Vegas shared, “You penned a very sobering article, which is demonstrably needed: After age 70, we must strive to spend our time wisely and thereby avoid devastating emotional stress. The subject reminder is akin to a well-thought-out, pre-nuptial agreement, i.e., failure to plan is planning to fail.”
Tom’s comment: Have that pre-nuptial notarized as well.
Traditional woman
A male Champ from Orange County. Ca., wrote, “I had a first date with a woman I met online. She said she had dated you. She made a comment about you saying that you felt women should pay their ‘fair’ share in dating expenses. She then added in that context, ‘I’m a traditional woman.’ I think that’s a code for a guy to pick up all the tabs.”
Tom’s comment: Our Champ shared the woman’s name with me. I had no recollection of her or her name. If we dated, that had to be more than a quarter-century ago, as I’ve been with Greta for 24 years and was in a short, committed relationship for two years before that. Maybe I simply forgot.
My guess is ‘we dated’ means we had one date. And when I found out she was a ‘traditional woman,’ that was the only time I asked her out. Or, because I wasn’t a ‘traditional man,’ (willing to pay every time) she bailed on me.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 27, 2021
by Columnist Tom Blake
Seniors have the right to love again
Champ Nancy emailed: “I had been friends with my neighbors for eight years. She and I were never close. She died last December and I developed a relationship with her husband. Did I violate a girl code by dating him?
“We found out she’d been cheating on him. Although her husband and I got to be friends before she died, we never were involved in anything other than that.
Am I wrong for dating him?”
Tom’s reply to Nancy: “What the heck is a girl code? Also, “You say, ‘we’ found out she’d been cheating on him. Who is we? And, how did you find out?” “Her cheating on him has nothing to do with your dating him now. She is gone: he will need to move forward with his life.
“May I ask your approximate ages?”
Nancy’s reply: “Girl code is you don’t mess with a friend’s man.
“The guy she cheated with called their home after she passed not knowing she had died. He told her husband she told him she was a widow and said he was her current boyfriend. “I’m 65 and he’s 55.”
Tom’s second reply to Nancy: “You say, ‘Girl code is you don’t mess with a friend’s man.’ Does that code apply after the woman or man has passed away? I don’t think so. “
Can married women and men and people in committed relationships be platonic friends with members of the opposite sex?
“Yes, it’s healthy for us as we age to have friends of the same sex and the opposite sex. Recent studies during the pandemic by health officials reveal that loneliness and social isolation are unhealthy. We all need friends.
“Of course, knowing and respecting what is acceptable and not stepping over the relationship line are important. Trust and fidelity are essential in a marriage or committed relationship.
“Your friend’s wife wasn’t your friend, and you say your relationship with him was platonic. So, I don’t think your girl code applies here. The man probably needs and appreciates your friendship with him now. Your question made me think of a song sung by Jerry Vale in 1970, titled, ‘To Love Again.’
“Vale sang words that have stuck with me all these years:
‘No heart should refuse love
‘And if we should lose love, we have the right to love again.
‘Don’t live in the past dear. For you and me the die is cast dear. But if love won’t last dear, we have the right to love again.’ (The link to this song by Jerry Vale is below)
“I think all people have the right to pursue happiness after a loved one is gone. Of course, it’s a personal decision; there is no right or wrong. “We’ve all heard endless times where the dying spouse has unselfishly said to the spouse left behind, ‘I want you to find a nice mate.’
“Regarding the phone call from the man who called the house. How could he be dating a woman and not know that she still lived with her husband and wasn’t a widow? That sounds like a stretch of the truth and he was probably cheating with her.
Ted and Marcia – Today’s featured couple – married 60 years
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 6, 2021 By: Tom BlakeColumnist
Reasons why senior married couples read this eNewsletter
About 10 years ago, I changed the name of this eNewsletter from Finding Love After 50 to On Life and Love After 50.
Why did I make the change?
I had started to hear from Champs that many were interested in topics other than just about senior dating. Some said they had met a mate and now wanted to hear more about other senior issues. Some had given up on meeting a mate and didn’t want to hear solely about dating. Heck, even some got married and had questions about later-in-life marriage issues.
Overall, Champs wanted to hear how other seniors were dealing with and coping with senior age-related issues.
Plus, I wanted to write about other topics in addition to keeping my toe in the dating, relationships-information waters. For example, Champs wanted to hear about the travels that Greta and I had taken, especially after we retired. So, to keep up with the digital age, I changed the direction of the topics slightly.
However, a good old senior love story was still highly coveted. I have always known that a good number of Champs are married or in long-term relationships. And I’m always curious why those people continue to read the eNewsletter.
Here’s a summary of what some have said:
“I read it when I was single; now that I’m married, I still enjoy it and learn from it.”
“Because people marry doesn’t mean they stop learning about other people.”
The most frequently stated reason is that when married people read about the woes and challenges of senior dating, it makes them appreciate their spouses more. They’ve said to me, “After reading what some of those singles go through; I’m holding my spouse close and never letting go. None of that senior single stuff for me.”
And when they say that, it pleases me.
One reason I don’t like to hear is when someone says, “I’m not happy in my (marriage, relationship, etc.,) and want to read what single life is like, as I may be back in it soon.” My hope is they will reconsider and stay married.
As always, my hope is to receive stories and comments from Champs. And today’s story comes from a man I’ve known a long time. Finally, this week, he agreed to share his story. He is married. His name is Ted; his wife’s name is Marcia. And that’s their picture above, taken two weeks ago (in July 2021).
And this is their story below, in the next section.
Ted and Marcia Ted emailed, “Tom, you’d like this gal! Marcia is four years younger than I am and was just 18 and a recent high school graduate when we were married. I had just graduated from Albion College (Michigan) and was headed to the University of Michigan Law School. “People thought such a marriage could never last. But Harriett Pitts (high school English Literature teacher) would have smiled had she heard us discussing Shakespeare and great books while we courting.
“Marcia and I will be celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary in August. She grew up in Marshall, Michigan, and worked at the local radio station in nearby Albion during her junior and senior years in high school. I was working there at the time, and that’s where we met.
“We are planning a short ‘nostalgia tour’ of the Albion-Marshall area to celebrate. Romanticist that I am, the journey will include a trip to the First Presbyterian Church in Marshall where we were wed. We’ll be renewing our vows during the visit.
“Of course, any trip to Marshall involves dinner at Schuler’s (restaurant), and that will be special for us because we grew up in households where dining at an establishment of that caliber was something one aspired to do only once or twice in his or her lifetime. We are grateful that we are in a better place than our parents were.
“Every week, I read with interest your stories about, and your advice to, aging singles. Your advice always seems to be sound, but I’m glad that (so far) it’s not the guidance I need. We’ve been blessed with 60 happy years, three children (two sons and a daughter, all in their 50s), and five grandchildren aged 18 to 26. They have been, and of course continue to be, a hugely important part of our lives.
“Words of wisdom based on 60 years of marriage: ‘Talk to one another. Share your thoughts, whether they are good or not so good.’
“I’ve not purchased your new book yet, but that is my plan. I hope that it will finally satisfy my curiosity about the genesis of the name of your deli (Tutor & Spunky’s).”
Tom’s comment: Now I can confess. Ted and I graduated together from Jackson High School, Jackson, Michigan, a few years ago (64 years, egads) And yes, I ate at Schuler’s restaurant in Marshall many times with my family. I recall their bar cheese to be the best ever.
“Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” book update. Both the Kindle/eBook version and the paperback version are now available on Amazon.com. For Champs who ordered the paperback version from me, I should receive the shipment in about 10 days and will immediately mail your autographed copy to you. Purchasing the paperback version directly from me will save you about $7 compared to purchasing it directly from Amazon. I charge $23.97, including signing, shipping, handling, standing at the post office, and miscellaneous fees. Simply send me an email if you would like a personalized copy. I’ll invoice you via PayPal. Link to “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark page on Amazon.com
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 30, 2021 By: Tom Blake – Columnist
Senior dating: Identifying the types of senior living relationships can be confusing
Lately, I’ve been receiving an increasing number of questions from Champs and single seniors regarding the various types of relationship living arrangements they are choosing or considering. The different acronyms can boggle the mind.
The most popular: LAT (living apart together)
In checking my columns-written archives, I first mentioned LAT relationships in eNewsletters during March 2018. The LAT designation was applied to Champs who were in unconventional relationships. Some stated they were committed, loving, intimate relationships, and yet, they lived under separate roofs.
This week, I searched online but couldn’t find any articles– other than ours–that had been published anywhere in the world earlier than 2019 on the LAT relationship topic. Our Champs blazed a trial in senior dating relationship definitions.
In the three and a half years since that 2018 article mention, the single senior living arrangement topic has mushroomed among people who write about senior relationships. And I sure hear more about the topic.
The primary reason why LAT relationships will not become the norm for seniors is financial. Two separate households are more expensive to occupy vs. when two people share expenses under the same roof. For some, a LAT isn’t affordable. And for some, it’s not even a desirable way to live.
For example, Mary Ann emailed: “To me, if a couple doesn’t live together there is no ‘US.’ The pluses appear to be having their own space, privacy, and daily routines. But living this way does not bring them closer and committed enough. I call this a compromised relationship (CR).” I’ve been in a few of those myself.
Champ Mark sent me a link to an online New York Times article dated July 16, 2021, titled, “Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart,” written by Francine Russo.
In the article, Russo mentions a widow named Linda Randall, who lives in Chicago and was widowed in 2016. Randall is now 81 and has a romantic, intimate, relationship with a widower, age 87, who lives across the alley from her and spends most nights at her apartment.
When the widower asked Randall if he could move in with her, Randall said no because she liked where she lived and felt they were different in how they lived.
Plus, a big factor was that Randall didn’t want to become a full-time caregiver. Living apart but nearby, Randall and the widower remain intimate. Russo also wrote in the article, “In Europe, the data clearly shows that later-life LAT relationships are on the rise. And Russo quoted a Canadian sociology professor who said, “LAT is now a ‘popular option’ in the United States and Canada.”
Champ Joel, emailed this week: “I saw this term, which was new to me: ‘living celibate together.’ When I entered that as a Google search, a lot of articles showed up.”
I responded to Joel, “So now we have LCT (living celibate together) seniorrelationships? I don’t want to be in one of those.” Joel answered, “Nor I, an
LCT doesn’t float my boat either.”
Another Champ, Ginny, whom we wrote about in April, a widow, age 80, has had a seven-year relationship with Harry, 87, a widower. They live three walking minutes apart.
Harry was the guy who didn’t want to remarry (he had been married 59 years). In April, Harry changed his mind and a November wedding was planned.
Now, Ginny says, they are planning to marry in September.
I asked her why they are getting married after seven years. Ginny said, “I visit Harry nearly every evening. But I return home the same night. Because of our faith, we agreed years ago to abstain from sex unless married. It was difficult. After we marry, instead of coming home each night, I will come home the next morning. We can finally have sex.”
Ginny added, “Still, we will have a LAT marriage.”
“Why the LAT marriage?” I asked.
“We will have a prenup. We both have children and grandchildren. Our money stays separate as do our homes. I like my home. It’s a short walk. Why not?”
Tom’s comment
I love Ginny’s story! Could LAT-M (Living Apart TogetherMarried’ become another senior dating term introduced to the world by our Champs?
I smile at the reason Ginny and Harry are getting married. Intimacy–better late than never–bless them, both. Update on Ginny and Harry: They married in September and a NY Times’ “Wedding columnist” Tammy LaGorce attended and is doing an article on them
There are three primary reasons why these unconventional LAT-type relationships are gaining popularity among seniors:
1. Avoiding being a full-time caregiver (one of the biggest and most often stated reasons) 2. Wanting a companion while keeping one’s home 3. Maintaining independence while enjoying intimacy (perhaps), love, and sharing. More senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT relationship. With these four options, LAT, LCT, CR, and LAT-M, no wonder senior dating is confusing.
Online dating question from Yolanda:“I am a widow of 11 years, looking for dating opportunities. I saw in an eNewsletter that you mentioned Cupid k 2 or Cupid two. Can you guide me to it?”
Tom’s answer to Yolanda: “I think the dating website you are looking for is OK Cupid. Their basic package is free. But there are some upgrades that could be helpful that will cost a small amount. However, if you are beginning to go online with your dating, please be very careful because there are all kinds of scammers out there who try to take advantage of lonely women. Especially widows. NEVER send money to a stranger. If a person claims to be working overseas, that’s a red flag. Do not reveal your home address.
If you come across someone who might be interesting for you, have a background check done on that person. If he sends pictures, verify that the pictures are his via a Facebook or other account.I can’t stress enough to be leery of people you meet online. That being said, the Internet can be a good place to meet people, just be very aware. If you have doubts, feel free to contact me with details.
We can always post your situation in the eNewsletter and let Champs give you their opinions. I assure you, our Champs will leave no stone unturned–they’ve walked the walk and are a wealth of caring and loving information. Good luck. Keep us posted, Yolanda.
Book update. The first copy of the paperback version arrived yesterday at 4:20 p.m. I am pleased. It’s 365 pages.Thanks to Champs who have contacted me and purchased a paperback version for $23.97, including shipping, about $7 less than if you purchase on Amazon. Simply send me an email if you would like a personalized copy. The Kindle/ebook version is available now on Amazon Link to “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark page on Amazon.com
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 16, 2021
by Tom Blake – Columnist
Stay: 7 reasons why she should not relocate to be with old beau.
One of my readers named Beth emailed, “I need advice on a long-ago love from the 1990 years. We met through a singles ad in a local newspaper. We had great magic (chemistry) between us.
“We have kept in contact off and on for more than 20 years, with ups and downs. I live in Virginia; he lives in Connecticut, 500 miles apart. I am 79; he is 76.
“He has no children. My children are grown with families of their own. He wants me in his life again and wants me to live with him. I can’t seem to move away from my family. He will not visit me.
“He was in a biking accident three years ago and can’t travel a long distance even for a visit to see if we could make a go of it again. I don’t know what to do.”
My response: “From what you described you would be making all the sacrifices. He would be making none. That’s ridiculous! What if you moved there and he got sick or passed away? What would you be left with?
“Why didn’t it work out years ago?”
Beth said, “I want him, and I want my family. I want him to come for a visit, just to see if that magic is still there.
“He was getting over an ex-partner, and I was going through some things also when we met. I had to walk on eggshells at times with him. I think he had a trust issue with women, and he was a lawyer and saw the mean side of people all the time.
“I made the first contact this time after not hearing from him in over a year.
“No one since has made me feel the way he did and I don’t know what to do, he was special and I don’t want to lose him again, this might be the last stop for us.”
My response: “Beth, I don’t usually advise people on what to do. But here are seven questions to ponder.
7 Questions
He can’t travel long distances because of a bike accident three years ago. He can’t even take a bus or a train? Or, is it, he doesn’t want to bother to travel?
You hadn’t heard from him for more than a year. You contacted him. That doesn’t sound like a man who is interested in you.
The same magic, or chemistry that was between you two 20+ years before will not be the same. Age takes its toll on chemistry and senior sex. Also, if he is so debilitated from the bike accident, do you think he would have the same physical capabilities he had back then? And how about you? Would you still be like you were in that category?
Why, if you had to walk on eggshells with him before, do you think that would be different now?
You are 79. Do you think you’d want to relocate to be with a man you barely know and leave your family behind? Don’t you think that would be risky?
What if you moved and then got sick? At 79, it could happen. If he can’t ride on a train, how would he be able to care for you? And would he want to?
You say you don’t want to lose him again. As it is, you don’t have him.
I hope the above seven questions will clear the air for you. For a new senior relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page. It appears you two are not. You aren’t even in the same book or the same state. As Bob Seger sings, “Turn the Page.”
Speaking of music, you may or may not know that the song I culled the name “Champs” from is “Stay. The Load Out” by Jackson Browne.
Take heed from those lyrics: Stay where you are.
(Link to “Stay” is listed below. See if you can hear where Browne says “Champs.”)
“Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” book update. Both the Kindle/eBook version and the paperback version are now available on Amazon.com. For Champs who ordered the paperback version from me, I should receive the shipment in about 10 days and will immediately mail your autographed copy to you.
On Life and Love after 50 