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| Our Champ today suggests singles could wear a sign like this |
| On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 23, 2024 The Power of a Good Hug By Columnist Tom Blake |
| On August 9, 2024, Champ Deanne emailed: “I’m a widow (10 years this week) and it stinks. I want another relationship, maybe marriage. I think most of us—who are in this club we never asked to join–would do better with a partner. Some studies prove being alone is bad for one’s health. “I have many thoughts from a female perspective. First, I took off my rings when I got tired of people asking whether I was eating alone or waiting for my husband. My two sons got me a little ring with three stones representing the three of us, which I wear. “I took all the photos down except a few of my sons and me or just my sons. I have lots of things that still remind me of my husband. We can’t change our thoughts, hearts or memories but we can add to them. “Death is so much different than divorce and some people just don’t understand that. And watching someone die truly changes us forever. “I want to have my second chance. However, I haven’t truly dated since 1981 (a couple of coffee meet-ups) and I feel lost. I’m not that cute little 27-year-old anymore. “I feel I need a new skill set. I’m not sure how to flirt or where to go to flirt. Usually, when I try something like a group activity there aren’t any men except husbands. Maybe we should all wear an ‘available’ sign with a description like widow or widower, divorced or never married. (See Tom’s rendition of a potential sign above) “I’m a bit uncomfortable trying again. And I wish sometimes that I was a male because my odds would improve. “I’m 70 but I know I have more to give, more life to live and adventures ahead. For me, the biggest thing lost is touch. That includes time together watching a movie or sharing a meal, smiling at each other, listening, and knowing they’ll be there, and they care. “That little peck on the cheek or more, his arm around my back when I may need it, me holding his hand and looking at him from afar. Yes, I miss it all, even the snoring. I miss the power of a good hug. “Tom, I would like your input and ideas. You are always spot on. I wake up in the early hours on Friday to read your column. I know you have covered this many times, but an update would do me good. Keep up your great work, I’m glad you found someone.” Tom’s response to Deanne First, Deanne, I want to congratulate you for having the bravery to share your vulnerability, emptiness, and wishes for love with Champs. That takes guts, which is a positive start to enriching your life. And you are right, being alone isn’t good for your health. And you miss a man’s touch and hugs. Even his snoring (you are brave!). Most senior singles—men and women I know–miss some or all those things. There is nothing like the power of a good hug. You state that you want a second chance at love. You haven’t dated in 43 years, and you’ve been a widow for 10 years. And yes, losing a mate to death is different from a divorce. Do your best to put those thoughts on the back burner. You are virtually starting from scratch. The journey will be a challenge that takes time, energy, and perhaps a little money so be patient. Let’s begin with the most important piece of advice, of which most Champs have heard me state more than one hundred times. “Get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy.” Since your primary purpose is to meet a man, avoid activities that appeal mainly to women, like quilting or basket weaving. For ideas on where to go, check out the MeetUp.com website. Of course, whenever you go out to a place where you might meet people, look nice. You say you don’t know how to flirt or where to go to flirt. I don’t use that term anymore. Instead, I call it ‘being assertive’ (not aggressive). Let’s say you see a man who appeals to you in a store like Costco, Ralph’s, Kroger, Trader Joe’s, or anyplace really. And he isn’t wearing a wedding ring. (No wedding ring doesn’t guarantee he isn’t married or is available). Smile. Be friendly. Strike up a conversation with a simple question such as, “Are these avocados ripe?” Or “What wine do you recommend that goes well with spaghetti?” If he seems receptive, say something like, “I’m single, cooking for myself. Are you single?” If he says “yes,” say, “I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee.” That’s being assertive, not aggressive (which can be a turnoff). And yes, it’s okay to buy a man a cup of coffee. He’ll probably pay for it anyway. Your wearing a sign idea is a fun idea, but it hasn’t caught on in the senior dating community yet. Are there any Champs willing to test wearing a sign? If so, let me know. Something like, “I’m a widow and available. Just ask me.” Who knows, we could be like the Green Bay Packers fans who wear those cheese heads hats. Our Champs gang could wear “available” yellow senior dating signs (again see a suggested sign above). Regardless, you need an id card with your first name and a way for him to reach you. Perhaps an email address that does not include your full name that you only use in dating situations. Or, as our expert dating and relationship coach, Christine Baumgartner advises, “The free service for an anonymous phone number that rings on your personal cell phone is Google Voice.”Get a Google voice phone number. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they met someone nice but they failed to exchange a way to contact each other. Don’t let that happen. You didn’t mention if you’ve tried online dating or not. That’s a whole new ballgame as well. Perhaps consider it. It allows you to cast your search net wide and far from your Orange County, West Coast of California home. “Before you launch into online dating, ask more questions. Proceed very cautiously. Scammers thrive on online dating sites, searching for vulnerable seniors. And yes, you are vulnerable and would be a prime target of scammers. Get sound advice from friends, our Champs, or experts such as Christine mentioned above (Christine@theperfectcatch.com). Lastly, your age, is 70. You’re a young pup. You still have plenty of time to meet someone, but don’t let any more time slip away. We are all pulling for you. Visit my website for more ideas: http://www.findingloveafter50.com |
On Life and Love after 50 